Warfare and Beauty

The fight - the fight to hide out and keep myself from pain versus being fully and wholly me. It seems to be THE battle I've fought all my life, and continue to face from time to time. To hide is to keep a guard over pieces of me. To keep my heart bottled up in a dark hidden place where no one can hurt me and no one can evaluate me and no one can tear me to bits. Sounds good at the start but it never satisfies.

The more hidden my heart becomes the less of me I am free to be. I feel contrived and less authentic. I feel like I CAN'T be me during those times - like it isn't allowed or welcomed. As if to be me is a HUGE mistake for everyone to see.

I'm re-reading 'Captivating' by John and Stasi Eldredge with a few friends. This week we are reading about being romanced and about the beauty to unveil. That as women we ache to be romanced and we ARE beautiful.

The scripture shared was 1 Peter 3:3-4 "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit."

Not saying that we can't or shouldn't wear beautiful things nor is it saying we should all be gentle and quiet. God makes us all unique and different. The inner beauty rises up from a heart at rest. Striving to BE beautiful is often not beautiful at all. It is only when we are at rest with our selves and who GOD says we are and what HE sees in us is when our beauty flawlessly rises up.

An excerpt from the book "God, in his faithfulness, is changing me. But I remain an extrovert. In fact, instead of making me into someone else, he is make me more me. And that is one of the beautiful things about him. That the more his we become, the more ourselves we become; more our true selves. So it is a good thing that I misunderstood the Scripture. Peter doesn't mean that beautiful women rarely speak above a whisper, if they speak at all. No. To have a gentle and quiet spirit is to have a heart of faith, a heart that trusts in God, a spirit that has been quieted by his love and filled with his peace. Not a heart that is striving and restless."

I know for me, my romance with God has done just that! I feel the most at rest with myself than ever before. I still war out the knowing of that and the resting in that from time to time. Just put me in a situation where I feel unsure about my surroundings or myself and BAM - my restless self rises back up! My striving to hide or be enough self rises up.

The most precious thing of all is that having found this rest with God has led me to quickly see when I'm fighting the urge to be at rest in a situation. And rather than get lost in a cycle of hiding out, He is quick to shine His light of loving truth on the matter and bring me back to where He wants me to be. At rest in Him, not striving to be enough in the room. I'm thankful my striving has become a more rare choice for me these days but when it does rise up - I feel so disappointed in myself for losing my rest in Him. It is never worth losing for anyone or anyplace! My rest in Him is priceless it is painless. It is my Shalom! Why in the world would I leave my very own Shalom to hide myself?

I love feeling like myself! There is no joy in playing guard over my own heart. It is natural to do that from time to time but I do not want to live there ever again. I've been freed from that job years ago and I get so frustrated when I see I've fallen back into that trap again - leaning on myself instead of resting in Him. I have to look at the fact that I am quick to return to Him, I don't stay there long but it sure feels like I'm falling none the less. I'm victorious in this anyway because back in the day I would take 1 step forward in my walk with Him and about 50 backwards. Now, the steps seem more like 20 steps forward and 2 steps backward. Who can complain with those odds?! I know the only way I'm now taking 20 steps forward and so few backwards is ALL due to Him! Without His grace and strength and His love and His smiling over me and His kindness and His mercy.... I would be back at the 1 step forward and 50 backward marker. Lord, may I REMAIN IN rest IN YOU!

Show me how to trust You more readily - even when I feel the urge to rise up and guard myself. Help me quiet the urge to fight for myself and help me rest in trust that YOU have it covered. I can't fight for myself well anyway, I much rather when you do it but I still have pieces I find it my sole job to cover just in case a dagger makes it through your protective covering. It sounds foolish to even say that but that is what my actions scream out - my actions to guard those tiny spots are screaming 'GOD CAN'T HANDLE THIS SO I HAVE TO!' What a sad fact to see glaring in my face - I choose to trust You to guard me beautifully. I just don't know how to stop myself from rising up to defend because even though I'm not saying anything in those moments, my silence is a guard. It keeps me from facing the giants that make me want to hide. I want to hide and yet I want to trust! Help me trust! I hate hiding and feeling beaten down with no voice. I'm tired of the silent smack downs I feel thrown my way whether I sit in silence or I stand and smile. I don't know if I'm in line with Your plan or if I'm hiding. Am I hiding myself in this or are you covering me so well that I feel hidden by You and think it's me? I am shielded by You! I am guarded and safe! I am under your wings! I am under your wings! I am at rest! I trust.

(I feel the need to assure those who may be concerned, it is truly well with me - this post is just the result of glimpses God gives me of times I failed to lean fully on Him. This causes me to see what I let go of, even if for just a moment, and this grieves my heart. No major trials surround me now, just a knowing that at times - I fail to trust Him fully when I want to desperately. That's all this is - a moment of clarity that keeps me pressing toward the mark!)