I think I'm a partially lit tree!

(Can you see the bright light I see - mid-bottom, left?)

Our partially lit Christmas tree is standing before me. I've taken down the decorations and yet the tree remains standing with lights on. This year, maybe due to pregnancy or maybe due to the return of joy to me, I have delayed the taking down of the decorations. I don't want Christmas to end. "Just one more day, I'll take it all down in one more day." Here we are on the 9th of January and my decorations are finally down, but the tree remains.

So I sit here, looking at the Rubbermaid tubs waiting to be closed and put away, but all I can see is this single glaring light in my eyes. I never noticed it before, with all the decorations on the tree, but now it is all I can see. I realize my noticing this light is mostly due to the positioning of the single light bulb, but it is also due to my position. If I move - the light becomes hidden by a branch or the angle I see from seems more dim.

Another thing I notice is the tree is really partially lit. We have one, if not two strands of lights that have gone out. So I look at this tree and one light outshines the rest and other spots are dim. It makes me think of how we are supposed to be salt and light. Now that I've clearly noticed the brightly shining light on my tree - I can't help but see it above the rest. It is unavoidable to my eyes now.

One last thing I consider as I look at this tree, it will be down tomorrow, is the fact that it is partially lit. I know there are areas of my life where I believe I may shine for Him, but there are other areas where I know MUCH work is still needed. I look at this tree and see me. Maybe I have one hot spot of light that can't be ignored, while the rest of me is lit - just not outstanding. Yes there are areas that are not lit at all because I'm either resistant to growing in that area of my life or I'm clueless that there is no light there yet. It's still hidden from me.

It's interesting how this tree is bare and yet seems to reveal so much. Maybe that's how I am - so bare (feel so exposed and raw at times) and yet being authentic and genuine does not allow me to hide that. At times I feel there is nowhere to hide because of this unshakable authenticity; I can not even pretend the things I want to pretend. I am so obvious in my disapproval and in my pain and in my joy - it is not something I can control. At times I want to control it all so much, to be mysterious and private but no matter how much I want to hold back the truth - it comes pouring out in my face, body language or my words because it is a flood overtaking me. "I'm FREE!!!! I'm sad! I'm HAPPY!!!! I'm mad! I'm disappointed! I'm HOPEFUL!!!!!" Whatever IT is - it comes out. Not in a way that I take it out on others, but in a way where I want to keep that to myself but can't bare hiding.

I guess that's good and it can be bad too. Some don't appreciate that trait and are very uncomfortable with such raw emotion, but I'm learning to find where I'm embraced and received with gladness and let the rest go their way. No apologies because God made me me! No apologies because, if I am out of line or if I do need correcting, God is definitely gonna show me! I'm a work in progress and I'm LOVING the journey now versus trying to control and purpose things! I'm just me! Shining, dim, bright, totally off, or a beacon. Whatever I am, I am me! This 'tree' is partially lit - there are bright spots, spots that blend in and are not noticed, and a few shaded spots (where the lights are out). I'm not perfect and yet I can still shine in my flawed state. There are still areas where I'm light even when I do not realize it!

I think when we are least aware of our influence and our potential is when we make the biggest impact for Him! May I never know when and where my light shines for Him! May I be clueless to this fact so that I can remain useful for HIS plan. When we 'see' a plan and/or 'way' we can be used is when we have an agenda and a plan and are least flexible. It is when we are flying blind - when we don't see what is obvious to those around us that our light can't help but be a beacon to those in our lives.

Just like that lighthouse is a beacon on a foggy night to ships at sea. Once the lighthouse is lit - all ships in need of direction can't avoid seeing the light. That's what we should be like - we should start in prayer (turn the light on) and yield to THE One who matters and just be. Being is a way more impactful method than telling everyone how to be anyway. When we ARE light, we draw all men unto Him. Being means we know Him enough to reflect Him. Being means we are clueless about it. Being means a life that is at rest. Being is far more valuable than convincing. Being is trusting Him to be in control of the reigns and enjoying the journey. God let me BE whatever, whenever, however. I lay MY plan down!