2008 - What a year!

*****WARNING - this post is LONG and is about a difficult time in my life. If you aren't interested in hearing about the loveliness of my God you may want to skip this novella.****

2008 was a tough year for me. Looking back - it was stuffed full, the kind of full where you stuff the closet so full you need help to close the door. It was an uncomfortable year and good all at once. It was only in the looking back that I now see a method to the seeming madness. It wasn't until the very last week of December that it became clear what all happened in 2008.

The year really began without much pomp and circumstance. I began attending a small group at church for saving money and felt empowered in an area that seemed so difficult for me. In fact, the first meeting of that group I felt so overwhelmed - that it brought me to tears. God made quick work of teaching me and I began to see much learning in a short time in this area. It was God answering the cry of my heart. Sometime towards the beginning of the year (I don't know exactly when because I really wanted to forget) I received some discouraging news about someone close to me. At first I was fine because it really wasn't about me.. but after awhile I began having issues.

It wasn't issues with that person, necessarily. It is now clear (after God gave me a little glimpse at perspective the last week of Dec) that that incident was a final straw for me. It triggered a grieving process that went on the rest of the year. Everything that happened in 2008 was touched by grief for me. I was in another small group with friends and found myself a mess over many different topics. Sobbing to the point of physically shaking.

Looking back - I saw NONE of these incidents as being connected to one another but they all were. I grieved every.single.thing.that has ever gone wrong in my life. I think my main source of grief was of any and all expectations I had in my life. Grieving things that were long resolved to my head but my heart was still an oozing gooey mess (without my knowing).

In 2008 God was so gracious to allow us to visit family and friends several times. On one trip to see friends/family I decided to make an appointment with a former mentor. During that visit in June God really did some deep work in my life. I now know that meeting was my spring board for breakthrough.

Then in July my former pastor preached via DVD in our hometown, we were in the One Prayer series. His sermon caused a grief to soar up like I didn't know I could have. He spoke on "Lord Make Us Extremely Generous" and I left the service during prayer because I was sobbing. We picked up the kids and were on our way home. I was talking with Steve about how sad I was that we were ever exposed to such a life changing church as HPC if we were no longer going to be plugged into ministry the way we were trained. Our church here was great but there is just something unique about Pastor Dino and the heartbeat of HPC. I think all churches have their own heartbeat which is why we need different churches. On our drive home I was lamenting my heartbreak when I asked Steve "What is our calling now if we can't plug in like we are trained to? What are we here for? Did our calling change?" That is when the car in front of us turned into a parking lot, revealing the license plate of the car in front of them. (I must tell you that Steve and I have always felt we are called to give. It has been the truest thing we've ever known. It is like air to us.) So the license plate read: BRN2GV.

I began crying because it was as though Abba Father answered my desperate cry for help. He saw my confusion and my aching heart. He knows we have a calling and he didn't change the calling while we were in this hard place. I knew we were so out of our element here that it hurt. That license plate confirmed to me that our calling hasn't changed. We are just in a different season right now. That was when I began to mourn the feeling of being bound. I began to notice the areas that made me feel bound. The areas that we were once flowing in on a regular basis were so stifled here. It was like a spotlight showed up with me and lit up every area that once had life in our lives but was now dead. I began a mourning beyond my understanding.

I began to plug into other ministries outside of our church - anything to feel alive and anything to find answers. I went on a retreat in September with friends from back home and God really was so precious and tender to heal my heart. I felt the pain in my heart unlike anything I've ever felt. I truly felt how tender and bruised it was from over the years. Then I felt how whole I felt after the retreat. It was supernatural. I've never felt anything like that EVER!

I returned home in September feeling renewed and strong and alive. Alive like I hadn't felt in decades! The thing that confused me was I still had moments of grief. Then in November... a cry of my heart was answered. We found a church with a heartbeat that fits us. Our former church is fabulous and we have no complaints - it just never felt like home to us. We felt like we were visiting for 3 years. I can't explain why - we just didn't belong there.

We began attending the new church and it felt like life returned to our family as a unit. Steve began plugging in and it just felt right. The ache in our hearts was gone and we began feeling whole again. Truths were being revealed to us - things that were hard for us were now becoming easy. Friends began to come forth - the kind of people you can be genuine with and they will do the same. No awkwardness - just real people you feel like yourself around.

By December Steve and I felt we hit the lottery in many areas of pain. Things that felt so wrong were beyond right - they were like little pieces of heaven. God revealed much truth on why and what He was up to during that time - the answers we had been seeking for years. Many lessons were learned and heartaches healed. Although our lives are far from perfect - there is NOTHING like KNOWING God and KNOWING He's a cry away. He's been so immediate in answering the cries of our heart - it makes me realize how many times He's been there in the past but we were too busy trying to make everything right that we didn't notice.

This post is more or less a remembrance for me. A way to mark what the Lord has done for us. It is also meant to encourage you - if you are in a hard place... He is there. One thing I've learned more than anything else this year is... the times I felt SO alone (and that was most of 2008) He was gently cradling me in His arms as I cried on His shoulder. So tender and so concerned for me - his daughter. The river of tears in 2008 were gently collected - every single tear - and they are all His now. 2008 was a lonely year - one of my loneliest times yet but I began 2009 with such strength and such fullness that looking back on the pain of 2008 truly brings me joy today. 2009 is proving to be a joyous time and a time for the impossible to be possible for us. What a change a year can make - if God is allowed full access to our deepest darkest pains. I truly learned how swift.. how extremely swiftly our Lord will swoop in an answer the cries of our heart - we must cry out to Him though. He does need our permission to get involved. He lets us lead if we refuse to seek Him. He's such a gentleman - He waits to be asked before He assumes a thing. Even when He knows best. What an awesome, lovely, precious, on-time, GOOD, GREAT, God I serve. I am humbled by any good deeds He would allow to come to me. It is so good to KNOW there IS purpose in all of our pain.