Learning to Trust His Heart

I will be attending a retreat soon with trusting God as the study. I've known this since June. Funny how knowing that and connecting the dots is a completely different thing. I have been feeling much anxiety this week and have felt out of sorts like I haven't felt in a LONG time.

One thing I've learned over the last 2 years is when I see little problems surface in my life - instead of falling into the 'usual trap' I've begun asking "OK God, what's THIS about?". I see the fruit and benefit of that response WAY more than the usual cycle of reacting to my issue again in the same erred way again and finding the same result again - misery.

Now, I just start asking 'What do YOU want me to see in this God? What are YOU trying to show me in this all too familiar pattern?' The crazy thing is.... He does show me! So trust is what was announced for our retreat topic and wouldn't you know it that He began pointing out 'See - you don't trust me to guard your heart here.... or you don't trust me to guard you there. You put up a wall that you didn't realize here... or you are reacting defensively there.'

In the past this self-examination would have left me feeling defeated and hurt and lonely and probably depressed. But NOW - I still go through the sadness or hurt or loneliness BUT since I know He is showing me my triggers and where He wants to heal me - now I can press through the pain versus running the other way in tears. That's what I see happening now - this is normally a private walk and for whatever reason I chose (or He nudged - starting to doubt why I went public now) to share this journey this time. It seemed like a fruitful thing at the time but now I'm doubting myself.

I saw myself as not trusting person x or y because of cause a or b. And believe me - those were smart choices I made because of the facts! It was the OBVIOUS solution. Now - I see how my lack of trust in person x or y is really my not trusting God to properly guard my heart from those people. It has nothing to do with them - not one bit at all! These sort of patterns cannot be broken over night - unless God does a miraculous work. I trust that this trust issue will be resolved because He has made an appointment with me and given me a direction that He seeks me to find freedom in. Sounds simple enough - until those trust issues bounce up and hit you in the face and/or hit you in the heart.... again. I seek to trust... I want to trust... I need to learn how to trust again.

Hebrews 13:5
".....I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. I will not, I will not, I will not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake nor let you down (relax My hold on you)! Assuredly not!" (from the Amplified Bible)

I'm holding on to this promise!