Pity Post Follow-Up

Another 'aha' moment. The pity post below has been hard for me to express effectively and I'm getting a bit more clarity as this is all being 'talked' out. This follow up is NOT meant for anyone but me. I hope if someone out there gets clarity on this as well - then they will be at peace too but this was just another piece of the puzzle I feel I can 'see' more clearly now.

So, I'm thinking some may have an aversion to the phrases 'pity party' or 'whining'. I guess I can say that I have dared to go there with people in my life - meaning join them and listen and say all the 'ahuhs' at the proper time to only find that down the road I still thought issues x, y and z were issues for them. Since those issues were REGULAR, if not daily, complaints.

As a friend who had faithfully played the role of passive listener regularly for this friend, I offered the regular encouraging words that in the past made this friend feel she could go on. Not that I said anything brilliant or worthy of quoting but these 'acknowledgements' of her pain once made her feel I understood her. Without warning the standard acknowledgements brought a SEVERE reaction of anger. Without warning this person has become an enemy of sorts, but not by my choosing. This person has shut me out of her life (and continues to do so) and doesn't seem to notice that through all of this I may have been hurt too.

The only thing I'm left with is a void and wondering of why all of a sudden the words that were soothing no longer helped. I've seen how an encouraging word - no matter how well intended can literally cut someone as deeply as a hateful word. If the one who speaks of her pain all the time is allowed to wallow in that phase too long it does harm the relationship. It does so on many levels. That person may very well become depressed and/or have a meltdown of sorts. That person may resent you for knowing so much of their 'dark' thoughts. That person may suddenly heal over the issues they've now drug you through over the years and it may be hard for you, the innocent bystander, to see things as rosey as they now do. Or that person may just change without warning and now the thing that brought peace now cuts them to their core.

So I see now why that relationship is severed AND I see why it may very well be a healthy solution now; and yet I don't know where it all went downhill - officially. I know that God brings good to all things and I see how He is trying to show me truth in all of this. I see how this topic alone has brought me to a place of feeling defensive and alone - due to feeling misunderstood, but now I see that may have been necessary for me to further dive into what God wanted me to see.

It is never good to be cut off from someone and it never feels good to think I've had a role in that but knowing God brings good to all things allows me to let this deep pain not feel so achy. To feel this rejection is hard to deal with, to feel that my good effort brought destruction makes me sad. To know I did the best I knew to do and God can make good of my mess is all I have now. But - ultimately I'm not the one who 'caused' this... I only allowed it.

I've learned to sort of shut down when I'm around perpetual complainers and I think I see why now. I've been burned by one and I don't know how to effectively listen while making them feel heard - without offering up a potential sacrifice of another relationship. I know there is a difference between healthy venting and whining/complaining non-stop... but without warning healthy venting turned INTO whining/complaining non-stop. That's not healthy and now that's what I avoid but how do you balance the 2? How do you be a friend who listens without enabling someone to their own destruction and/or the destruction of a friend?

I think in my naive effort to 'be there' for her I never realized that for this friend - she was in over her head and possibly needed professional help. Not that she was nuts but she (as I had been too) had just come out of a TRAUMATIC TIME - one that stops your life and makes you regroup. You have no choice but to face the new reality and it WASN'T what you expected it to EVER be either!

I'm realizing my heart had hidden the constant pain of this situation from me and obviously God is wanting to heal me in this area. I want to be healthy enough to know when to say STOP, but right now I don't know when that would be - so instead I panic and try to avoid the current friend I want to support or worse - I encourage them when they want anything but encouragement. So thank you all - to those who understood me and especially to those who did not. By this question percolating in my heart a bit more - a root issue was revealed. Lack of trust. God help me to trust again!