To Pity or To Encourage? - What a Question!

Lately I've been a voyeur of sorts. I've been on the outskirts of tragedy and ordinary discomforts, and of unnecessary freak outs for that matter. It has been an interesting time of gleaning. This wasn't a journey I sought out for myself, it sort of landed in my lap.

There have been people in my life who've had loved ones pass away and they've demonstrated such STRONG faith in God in the midst of their severest pain. They've shared their pain of the moment along with the confidence in God's ability to do and BE good in the midst of such loss. My time peeking into this experience has really caused me to reflect on myself and those I now see going through life's ups and downs.

This sight of such confidence and faith has made me weep uncontrollably at times and then left me feeling a desire to BE stronger. To not get so caught up in the little whining we all are prone to from time to time. It has made me unusually sensitive to the way we all tend to share a very MINOR inconvenience and present it in such a way that it appears our world is crashing down around us. It has become obvious to me, after watching all of these displays, that we all sometimes fall into the trap of wanting everyone around us to pity us for something that we should clearly deal with! It isn't THAT bad!

I've also witnessed another family go through the same road of grief and go into the 'why' phase of grief. (I'm sure the strong family will go through this phase too but I'm just sharing what God has shown me in all of this.) Hearing their heart cries of why and the feeling of desperately aching for that loved one is so easy to understand. To see their hearts literally ACHE makes my heart ACHE and I desire to hold them tightly and take their ache away.

I'm learning that some of our ordinary whining is another form of grief, some is warranted and some is not. Grieving the death of a friend or family member is a worthy journey in grief but grieving the loss of sleep or a phase of life with our kids/marriage (as a random example) causes a grief of sorts too. But it does often cause those who've been there before us to offer a common story to encourage you that it will get better. I've become very aware of watching those who share those minor hiccups of life continuously, they welcome (eagerly welcome) all of those who say 'You have such a hard life. Poor you.'. Sadly, the moment someone offers the teeniest bit of advice to encourage their friend they are silenced by the whining friend. The whining friend then tends to discontinue any further discussions on that topic. They don't say it but they are not allowing the person with the practical reality check to enter in the conversation. Well, they aren't WELCOMING them to talk because they are opposed to the reality check.

This whole observation has brought me MUCH understanding. I'm one who likes to encourage my friends when I see them crying out from a life experience. Sure, I know their world is not REALLY crumbling but I want to offer something to show them I care. There have been MANY times I've done such and I've pulled back my outstretched hand of friendship to find my hand was slapped. I've left these scenarios feeling "What did I do wrong? Did I offend them?". As a result, that relationship feels distant and I feel I must stifle myself around that person because I didn't know how I messed things up.

After watching these situations God has really shown me that there are seasons that people do NOT want any help or advice. They WANT pity they don't want an encouraging word or a cheery smile. They want to roll around in the 'poor me' world as long as they can get away with it. I'm ALL about a pity party! I can truly throw down in a pity party when they arise. I just think we are all better served if we advise our friends that encouragement needs to be left at the door for now due to an unplanned pity party. That way we aren't hurting one another without knowing.

The family who was not in the place to be encouraged through the death in their family - I respected their stance SO MUCH more because they said "I know so and so is in a better place but I just want them here now. I know that isn't fair or right but that's how I feel." Knowing they knew this made it so much easier to let them go 'there' with their cries because you knew where they stood. They were in that unreasonable phase and THEY knew that! (I of course would NEVER consider this experience of grief to be whining, by ANY means. So please do not mistake my use of whining and this example as being one in the same. This example was just one God used to magnify the examples in daily life. This family was authentic with where they were in the process, unlike many in ordinary places of pain.)

I've learned that there is a time and a place for an encouraging word now and I see that those friends who've basically slapped me for daring to encourage them felt insulted by my encouraging word. I'm learning through all of this to guard even an encouraging word, or let's say I will still give it but the instance I am slapped I will stop trying to comfort them for that moment, and realize that their unnecessary slap was really them just saying 'no thank you' to a friend lending an ear/encouraging word. It isn't personal - it is only where they are right now. That allows me to not get my feelings hurt and fall into the pit of wondering about the entire friendship. Now I can offer grace by being quiet knowing they are content, for now, in their misery (they have the Eeyore syndrome).