The Race

Last night I awoke a few times - nothing earth shattering but in that twinkling of consciousness I had this visual of a baby learning to walk. Often times the momentum of walking alone will cause the baby to run unexpectedly and usually they will fall flat on their tummy/hands. They are forward falling because of their posture of arms outstretched and leaning towards where they are going. Later on, of course, they learn to balance better and are less likely to tumble forward but now land on that cushy diaper beneath them.

The second visual was of an experienced runner. One who knows how to time themselves and to properly run the race to endure. They press past their pain and do not give up easily. They know how to pace themselves and therefore they will finish - not necessarily the first to finish the race but they will finish. They have sacrificed much to train for this moment.

The third visual was of someone with great zeal - running as fast as they could so they could make quick progress to only see that very early on they were out of breath, may need to stop to rest in order to continue, may not finish at all because of the cramping and severe stress they've put on their body.

I think we all have found ourselves in each scenario listed above. Remove the 'runner' example and replace that with your job, parenting, your walk with God or anything. It all can fit. At first we are all in - leaning forward towards the mark ahead. No turning back because our eyes are fixed on where we want to go. The second example is one of an old pro. The third is one who is familiar with the skill at hand but really doesn't know as much as they think they know about the skill.

Looking back on life in general I can see many years I lived life in the 3rd scenario. Whether it be about God or my job or raising kids or... or... or. I found that way of life to be filled with MY effort to strive and work to 'make' things happen. It was an exhausting experience with little to show for all the work.

Recently some of that striving has vanished. I don't know what the final lesson was but the inner dialogue and struggle has ended. That doesn't mean I do not progress or learn or grow - it just means I am finding more rest in the journey because I am not running in an overzealous fashion anymore but taking a slow and steady pace that allows me to cross the finish line more often.

I think I did manage to cross the finish line occasionally when I was in scenario 3 in life but my lessons learned were easily lost because my focus was on the work I did. There was rarely time to rest and take in the lesson at hand. This last year specifically has brought much rest and much learning to the core of myself and maybe that is why the finish line has been crossed more often. More little wins that contribute to the bigger wins. The little win of not letting things get to my heart when they shouldn't. The little wins of enjoying the question at hand in my life rather than trying to erase any and all questions with my flawed understanding. I'm learning that some things cannot be understood because human nature alone causes us to do unthinkable things from time to time. Often times with that 'I don't know why I, or why they, did that' feeling hovering ever near.

When we are in the infant stage of life in our walk with God - we are ever focused on the job of stepping. We are conscious of every step taken and we take it with great caution. Every tiny step is a win. When we are over confident and 'know' it all, our eyes are not fixed on any goal in sight because we have it figured out anyway so who really needs to do all that work to cross the finish line. But the conditioned runner - that runner knows the value of pace, focus and endurance. The work has been done before the big day and now it's time to finish strong. The eyes are on the finish line - a goal is in sight and therefore victory is inevitable.

To look back and see that even though life is still hard at times; and even though I still mess up sometimes; I am still crossing the finish line. How exciting! No, my 'run' is not perfect and there are moments I want to give up and quit 'working' still, but the ability to endure has increased due to regular practice throughout the week. It is a daily training, not a weekly one. It is a moment by moment training, not only a daily one. It is a constant conversation, not a neglected one.

It is the most alive I've ever felt and I can't imagine why I ever tried it my way first. To find His rest and to still goof is far less of a fall than striving and working diligently on things myself. To only find my 'help' was only a longer fall. His rest is better. His way is better. I won't look back - wounds are healing and mistakes are being healed but I'm still pressing on with my eyes on Him. I hope I never take my eyes off His again. It's so much more fun to cooperate and live life His way than to go my own way and ask Him to fix my mess. There are far fewer casualties His way!