The Race

Last night I awoke a few times - nothing earth shattering but in that twinkling of consciousness I had this visual of a baby learning to walk. Often times the momentum of walking alone will cause the baby to run unexpectedly and usually they will fall flat on their tummy/hands. They are forward falling because of their posture of arms outstretched and leaning towards where they are going. Later on, of course, they learn to balance better and are less likely to tumble forward but now land on that cushy diaper beneath them.

The second visual was of an experienced runner. One who knows how to time themselves and to properly run the race to endure. They press past their pain and do not give up easily. They know how to pace themselves and therefore they will finish - not necessarily the first to finish the race but they will finish. They have sacrificed much to train for this moment.

The third visual was of someone with great zeal - running as fast as they could so they could make quick progress to only see that very early on they were out of breath, may need to stop to rest in order to continue, may not finish at all because of the cramping and severe stress they've put on their body.

I think we all have found ourselves in each scenario listed above. Remove the 'runner' example and replace that with your job, parenting, your walk with God or anything. It all can fit. At first we are all in - leaning forward towards the mark ahead. No turning back because our eyes are fixed on where we want to go. The second example is one of an old pro. The third is one who is familiar with the skill at hand but really doesn't know as much as they think they know about the skill.

Looking back on life in general I can see many years I lived life in the 3rd scenario. Whether it be about God or my job or raising kids or... or... or. I found that way of life to be filled with MY effort to strive and work to 'make' things happen. It was an exhausting experience with little to show for all the work.

Recently some of that striving has vanished. I don't know what the final lesson was but the inner dialogue and struggle has ended. That doesn't mean I do not progress or learn or grow - it just means I am finding more rest in the journey because I am not running in an overzealous fashion anymore but taking a slow and steady pace that allows me to cross the finish line more often.

I think I did manage to cross the finish line occasionally when I was in scenario 3 in life but my lessons learned were easily lost because my focus was on the work I did. There was rarely time to rest and take in the lesson at hand. This last year specifically has brought much rest and much learning to the core of myself and maybe that is why the finish line has been crossed more often. More little wins that contribute to the bigger wins. The little win of not letting things get to my heart when they shouldn't. The little wins of enjoying the question at hand in my life rather than trying to erase any and all questions with my flawed understanding. I'm learning that some things cannot be understood because human nature alone causes us to do unthinkable things from time to time. Often times with that 'I don't know why I, or why they, did that' feeling hovering ever near.

When we are in the infant stage of life in our walk with God - we are ever focused on the job of stepping. We are conscious of every step taken and we take it with great caution. Every tiny step is a win. When we are over confident and 'know' it all, our eyes are not fixed on any goal in sight because we have it figured out anyway so who really needs to do all that work to cross the finish line. But the conditioned runner - that runner knows the value of pace, focus and endurance. The work has been done before the big day and now it's time to finish strong. The eyes are on the finish line - a goal is in sight and therefore victory is inevitable.

To look back and see that even though life is still hard at times; and even though I still mess up sometimes; I am still crossing the finish line. How exciting! No, my 'run' is not perfect and there are moments I want to give up and quit 'working' still, but the ability to endure has increased due to regular practice throughout the week. It is a daily training, not a weekly one. It is a moment by moment training, not only a daily one. It is a constant conversation, not a neglected one.

It is the most alive I've ever felt and I can't imagine why I ever tried it my way first. To find His rest and to still goof is far less of a fall than striving and working diligently on things myself. To only find my 'help' was only a longer fall. His rest is better. His way is better. I won't look back - wounds are healing and mistakes are being healed but I'm still pressing on with my eyes on Him. I hope I never take my eyes off His again. It's so much more fun to cooperate and live life His way than to go my own way and ask Him to fix my mess. There are far fewer casualties His way!

God's Chisel - The Skit Guys

I've Been Captivated by THE Picture of Love

I'm really enjoying the book "Captivating" that I've been reading. It's one I've had on my shelf for about 1 year and I've finally made my way to opening the cover. I think this was the time I needed to read this book the most. I love when He leads me to a treasure like this one - at just the right time. :) God is so good! He is our pursuer! He is our protector! He is in CRAZY love with us! I so love Him!

This book is about 'Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul'. WOW! Well, from what I've read thus far (and I'm on chapter 6 now) this book is so very revealing to the attacks that Satan has had on women from Eve onward. Satan didn't just choose to deceive Eve randomly - he chose her as his target for very specific reasons. It is so amazing to see the heart reason for this attack and how this lie has been so readily bought by the entire human race (yes - that means men and women have bought this lie). It is eye opening at the very least. It clearly shows what God designed women for and how Satan has corrupted that and/or distorted it so much that we don't even know why we ache in the pit of our soul for that something that we instinctively KNOW is missing. But we do.

Anyway, at the beginning of chapter 6 a familiar scripture is shared and then put in modern lingo. It is the scripture that Jesus read when He officially started His ministry, it is from Isaiah 61: 1-3.

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion ----
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.

This is what Jesus was most passionate about - this was the core desire of His heart for ministry.

The modern lingo of the scripture above:

God has sent me on a mission.
I have some great news for you.
God has sent me to restore and release something.
And that something is you.
I am here to give you back your heart and set you free.
I am furious at the Enemy who did this to you, and I will fight
against him.
Let me comfort you.
For, dear one, I will bestow beauty upon you
where you have known only devastation.
Joy, in the places of your deep sorrow.
And I will robe your heart in thankful praise
in exchange for your resignation and despair.
(From the book 'Captivating' by John and Stasi Eldredge)

He loves us - OH how He loves us! OH how He loves us! OH how He LOVES! (If you haven't listened to that song I posted on my blog a few days ago via youtube- you need to listen to it and drink in the truth of His love! He loves us dearly! The depth of His love is amazing! I adore Him!)

Understand the Season

I love the way God does things. Last week I tried to share this story in another post but I could not remember the details. I couldn't find where I saved the email either. Wouldn't you know it that a group that often sends me email updates included this story in their email update yesterday! I love it! ;)

Now, when I first heard this story it was from the perspective of not judging one another by the one season we see that person going through. A reminder that we are all more than the one season we are going through at this time. But yesterday this story was shared with a slight change in the focus. We must not even judge our own lives too quickly - what a great message. So I hope you enjoy reading this story of seasons - I know it is a great lesson in perspective no matter how you apply the lesson.

Understand the Season

There was a man who had four sons. He wanted his sons to learn not to judge things too quickly. So he sent each of them on a quest to go and look at a pear tree that was a great distance away.

The first son went in the winter, the second in the spring, the third in summer and the youngest son in the fall.

When they had all gone and returned, he called them all together to describe what they had seen. The first son said that the tree was ugly, bent and twisted.

The second son said it was covered with green buds and full of promise.

The third son disagreed; he said it was lad with blossoms that smelled so sweet and looked so beautiful, it was the most graceful thing he had ever seen.

The last son disagreed with all of them; he said it was ripe and drooping with fruit, full of life and fulfillment.

The father then explained to his sons that they were all right, because they had each seen but only one season in the tree's life. He told them that you cannot judge a tree or person by only one season. The essence of who they are and the pleasure, joy and love that comes from that life can only be measured at the end, when all the seasons are up.

If you give up when it's winter, you will miss the promise of spring, the beauty of your summer and the fulfillment of your fall.

The moral of the story for all of us is, don't let the pain of one season destroy the joy of all the rest. Today I want to remind you not to judge life by one difficult season. As you persevere through the difficult and challenging seasons in your life, know that better times are on their way. Don't grow weary in doing right or working hard because in due season you will flourish and have success!

Closed Eyes and Closed Heart

I just heard this said "I just closed my eyes and my heart and I just did it." 'It' can represent a multitude of things. For this particular person, it was something that they were not proud they did. That phrase is such a perfect one - I just closed my eyes and my heart and I just did it. I don't know about you but there have been times in my life that I've just closed my eyes and my heart and did something on my "I would never" list. It can be as simple as hurting someone you care about or as big as the worst moments are in our individual lives. It even occurs when we choose not to forgive an offense. It is a slippery slope we find ourselves on when we close our eyes and heart.

As is the case with any sort of neglect, self inflicted or otherwise, there are consequences. I know the after effects that immediately followed for me can vary from self hatred to much wondering of what was I thinking. What causes us to come to the point of willingly closing our eyes and our heart to do the things we never want to do? Thankfully I've not found myself in this place very often and I hope I continue to guard against the urge to close my eyes and heart again; but I thought this phrase so well describes the process we may go through when we do shut down.

Our heart and eyes cannot bear the information so they must be intentionally closed down in an effort to preserve self. Willingly closing our heart can cause us to become hard hearted if we are not careful. Have you ever willingly closed your eyes and heart to something or someone? Have you gone to the next step of willingly opening your eyes and heart to those areas now? It is not the easiest step to take but a necessary one. Without willingly opening your eyes and heart in that area again - you are building a wall that will only harm you when all is said and done. It is smart to take some time to carefully walk through the process of properly healing before opening up again; but in the end it is the most vital step toward a healthier you.

"I'm Just Trying to Help"

I've found myself in a strange place lately. I do not have the words to properly express this strange place so I will share a 'story' with you. Let's pretend I have a house with a bad shutter.

Let's pretend a friend calls me and says "Hey there. I just noticed that your shutter was loose and wanted to make sure you were aware of that. I didn't want it to get worse and you not know it."

I say "Thank you friend. I did notice that shutter. I've actually attempted to repair that very shutter a few times before but that silly shutter continues to come loose when certain types of storms blow through our neighborhood. Thank you for thinking of me and lending a helping hand."

The next day the friend calls back "Hey, I know you are aware of your bad shutter but... you really need to get your shutter fixed. This is not something you can wait on - you need to move on this right now because it is more serious than you can see."

Me "Thank you for your concern for me - but I have called the repair man and he says he will be here soon to properly repair this. Thank you again for taking the time to let me know about my shutter but it really isn't as bad as it must appear to you."

Friend calls the next day "I've now reported you to the home owners association, since you are unwilling to make this issue right. You have obviously been neglecting matters at your home and somebody needed to say this to you - it has become an offense to all who see it."

Me "No comment." (Because now I see my words are not being heard so - there is nothing to say anymore.)

Friend sends a demolition company to my house with dynamite to blow up this neglected home because it is obvious to 'them' that this 'shutter' problem is way bigger than anyone thought. A repair man won't do - a demolition team is necessary because the house is obviously about to tip over from all that damage the simple shutter brought to this home.

It all begin with a kind effort to help but it has now become a source of destruction. Some lend an innocent helping hand that becomes an all out effort to destroy you to your very core. Hard lesson to learn but I'm trying to find good in all of this - right now I can't see any.

The biggest lesson learned was that this friend never really knew me and therefore didn't know how minor the issue they saw was. To them there was more to the story but all the 'more' was via their imagination. The story was simple but now it has become destructive. It has been a sad few weeks but I'm renewing my strength right now, or should I say that HE is renewing my strength right now. When someone misunderstands you it hurts, but when they insist on misunderstanding you and get mad that you won't say they are right.... that is a fight not worth fighting. It's not worth fighting because the only way you 'win' is by agreeing with the lie that they believe is true. That's never worth doing.

The More I Seek You

The More I Seek You
(Christ for the Nations)

The more I seek You
The more I find You
The more I find You
The more I love You

I wanna sit at your feet,
drink from the cup in Your hand
Lay back against You and breathe,
feel your heartbeat
This love is so deep,
its more that I can stand
I melt in Your peace,
its overwhelming

How He Loves Us - Kim Walker / Jesus Culture

He is jealous for me
Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great your affections are for me.
Oh, how He loves us so
Oh, how He loves us
How He loves us so.

Yeah, He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves.

So we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way

That he loves us,
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves

He loves us,
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves


Cause He loves us,
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves

Yeah, He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves

Do You See What He Sees?

Recently I've become aware of how it matters how we 'see' something. It has become clear to me that the perception we have as we enter a situation affects what we 'see' in that situation. Our 'perception' of a situation will GREATLY affect what we see in that situation. We may not see the obvious full picture in front of us if we are caught filtering that 'sight' through the 'how does this affect me' filter. I have been listening to messages and reading books by Kim Clement lately. He has really opened my eyes, over the last few years, to this truth more and more. It is becoming clear to me that some really do have eyes to see and ears to hear and some really do not.

It isn't a fault to anyone that they do or do not see. It is often our perception of a situation that interferes with any truth being clear. I know as I've grown in my faith there have been sermons I've sat in on and thought "I see, by reading, how this is CLEARLY in the Bible but in my mind/heart I don't truly 'see' how that is a wrong or bad thing." Often times - that truth would be one I would voluntarily let go of because understanding did not accompany that truth.

I was listening to a CD this weekend and in the CD Kim said "Some will touch the hem and some will enter the holy of holies". WOW! That hit me - some will only touch the hem of his garment because that is as far as they are willing to press in and some will go all the way because they are ALL in! That was amazingly clear to me - in the church some want just enough of God to get by and some want to be in over their head with God. To be in over your head with God means you are not just knee deep in the river but you are flowing with the flow of the river and your feet cannot touch! You are letting Him lead/guide you and you release all control to Him. He chooses where you flow in this river, you are no longer steering. THAT is over your head. That is the kind of ride that I choose to take.

I just read "The voice of God is only a sound to those who are conscious of their weakness and sin, but to those who are aware of their position in Christ, the sound is a clear voice." (Kim Clement) This again is something I'm finding rings very true in the day to day of life. When we know where we stand in a relationship with someone it is easier to clearly hear the heart of the person. When it is a new relationship and we are not confident in our standing with that person, we can often imagine the worst and not hear what they really say - we're too busy interpreting them to enjoy them.

When I look at the church - anytime you hear about 'the end times' some think about 'will I be in the rapture or will I be here during tribulation?'. The eyes of sight are focused in on 'how does THIS affect me?' While listening to the CD I mentioned before, Kim often mentioned how in Revelation it is mentioned that there are a 'great cloud of witnesses cheering us on'. How long has this truth been overlooked in an effort to 'see'/understand the 'where will I be in the end times suffering?' question. We are all sinners and know we cannot live perfectly so this makes sense to ponder this - but not so much that we miss all the rest of what God has to say about end times.

A great cloud of witnesses cheers us on.... Kim went further to say "David is looking down asking where are all the David's?.... Ruth is looking down asking where are all the Ruth's?.... Joshua is looking down asking where are all the Joshua's?...... Moses is looking down asking where are all the Moses'? where are all the Esther's? and on and on it could go. Where are all the now people with the passion and zeal to stand up like the people who God used to do mighty things? Will they rise up or will they be caught being ordinary? Are the now time Davids obeying and listening to God's call or are they being ordinary? Are the now time Davids looking at God's Word through the filter of 'how does this truth affect me personally?' or are they all into being 'even more undignified than this!'

Our 'sight' causes us to miss the bigger picture in an effort to excuse or defend our own position and then we are left frustrated by the truth rather than encouraged by it. It is exciting to have eyes to see and ears to hear - may I never stop seeing and hearing what HE wants me to see and hear! I pray that all the many David's, Ruth's, Joshua's, Esther's, etc. will begin to SEE with clear sight and HEAR with clear ears so that they may fulfill the call to be what God has purposed them to be. To not be ordinary but to make room for God's extra-ordinary. To make room for the supernatural to be birthed again. For HIS kingdom to come and HIS will to be done in earth as it is in heaven. For those who are called to more, for them to be willing to step up into more and not be bound by their lack of sight or by fear of being misunderstood and considered a freak or weird or such. I pray that those who are called 'to more' will begin to CLEARLY hear His voice and not be discouraged by those who only hear a sound. I pray that sight would be clear and hearing would be clear - in spite of those who do not see/hear what you see/hear! God's desire is to be seen and heard - we must be willing to press in and fulfill the call He gives us. I pray we will answer Him with a 'yes I see you and yes I hear you and yes I will do'.

Growing

I find at times it is easy to see the journey of growing as messy. It is actually a beautiful time, or let's just say I've learned to finally see the beauty in growing. We've all heard the analogy of a blanket being made and from our view we see the knotted up ugly side of our lives but from God's view it is a beautiful masterpiece!

There have been many years of my life that I've seen every unpleasant experience as a shameful or disgraceful experience and often times wished those times away. I know that growing is not easy - when we see the beautiful sunflower in full bloom we never consider the days that turned into weeks that turned into months for that beautiful flower to grow from a hard seed into a beautiful flower with delicate petals.

At first the seed is pressed down into a dark, cold place - all alone. A place that seems a little scary even. And who knows the force or the breaking it must go through to then break out of the hard shell so that the roots can first grow downward. Without healthy roots the flower may not even break the ground above. The roots grow and the plant still is in a dark, cold place and all alone. It would be fruitless to dig up the seed after a few weeks to see why it was growing so slowly or see why it was growing down first or to see if it was growing at all. That would kill the process all together - so it takes patience and faith after planting to wait for something beautiful to come of the waiting on the unseen growth at work.

But then the first glimpse of light is there and although things may seem much brighter and better - there is still growing to be done. If the bloom would open now - the flower would rot and never become beautiful. So it is necessary for the flower to go through every stage of growth or it cannot become what it is called to be - a beautiful sunflower. Of course, I am not an expert on plant growth and who knows the many other analogies that could be made but the point being - growing is work. Growing is a process and it hurts at times but if you keep pressing onward, with hope and expectation, the journey can become fun - although still rigorous and draining.

Anytime I come to a place of understanding something new I go through the uncomfortable stages and then eventually begin to see the light of day. I don't remain in the dark cold place forever. It is just a part of the journey and I'm learning to even embrace that phase too. Why not? The better things are under the surface means the better things will be for the entire ride.

I'm reminded of a story I've read of a father sending his 4 sons out to see this one tree. Each son went alone and each son came back with a report of this tree. Each report was different because each son only saw the tree in a different season. The father told the kids "Just like that tree, we all go through seasons in our lives. The Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall seasons of our life are all moments we pass through. So don't judge a tree by the one season you see that tree in - there is so much more to the tree than what you see in that moment. So it is with each of us. We all have so much more to us than what is easily seen in a moment of life."

I do not remember the story verbatim but that is the gist. We can all choose to count someone out due to a moment we see them go through or take the time to know the whole of them. I've felt the nudge to share how God shows things to me and it has brought a few unexpected opinions but that is OK. God is still moving me forward to grow and be all that HE has called me to be. My responsibility is to honor that and I do not usually debate what God is showing me. I ask for wisdom and understanding so that I may grow and learn. I do not have all the right answers or perspectives - God uses incidents to show me truth. That doesn't mean there are not many sides to that truth but if He hones in on one area for me to see - I've come to realize that I need to see that. Not that I discount the whole picture but I look deeply into that 1 spot that maybe I've not fully seen well before. That is how He stirs me. Not so that I am only left with one view of the issue shared, but that my whole view is more in line with what it should be and not out of balance. So the 1 thing is not the whole thing. It is one spot on the Dalmatian - it is a single area of clarity that assists in the whole being better.

ABBA Father

Here is another great song from Daniel Doss Band - called Abba Father. I love their CD so much because it is great melodically but the lyrics are BEAUTIFUL too!

Abba Father, You have loved me
With a love like I've never known
Abba Father, You have saved me
From the depths that I'll never know

What a great Father You are
What a great Father You are

You have loved with arms wide open
You have held me through it all
You are faithful to the broken
Lord, You hear me when I call

Thank You, Lord for all that You've done
Thank You, Lord for giving Your Son
When I was lost You came after me
When I deserved such great penalty

What a great Father You are
What a great Father You are

You have loved with arms wide open
You have held me through it all
You are faithful to the broken
Lord, You hear me when I call.
________

I love how gentle and kind God is. I love that He doesn't react harshly with us - He's so gentle and accepting. What a beautiful gift to feel accepted as we are! What a great Father He IS!

Learning to Trust His Heart

I will be attending a retreat soon with trusting God as the study. I've known this since June. Funny how knowing that and connecting the dots is a completely different thing. I have been feeling much anxiety this week and have felt out of sorts like I haven't felt in a LONG time.

One thing I've learned over the last 2 years is when I see little problems surface in my life - instead of falling into the 'usual trap' I've begun asking "OK God, what's THIS about?". I see the fruit and benefit of that response WAY more than the usual cycle of reacting to my issue again in the same erred way again and finding the same result again - misery.

Now, I just start asking 'What do YOU want me to see in this God? What are YOU trying to show me in this all too familiar pattern?' The crazy thing is.... He does show me! So trust is what was announced for our retreat topic and wouldn't you know it that He began pointing out 'See - you don't trust me to guard your heart here.... or you don't trust me to guard you there. You put up a wall that you didn't realize here... or you are reacting defensively there.'

In the past this self-examination would have left me feeling defeated and hurt and lonely and probably depressed. But NOW - I still go through the sadness or hurt or loneliness BUT since I know He is showing me my triggers and where He wants to heal me - now I can press through the pain versus running the other way in tears. That's what I see happening now - this is normally a private walk and for whatever reason I chose (or He nudged - starting to doubt why I went public now) to share this journey this time. It seemed like a fruitful thing at the time but now I'm doubting myself.

I saw myself as not trusting person x or y because of cause a or b. And believe me - those were smart choices I made because of the facts! It was the OBVIOUS solution. Now - I see how my lack of trust in person x or y is really my not trusting God to properly guard my heart from those people. It has nothing to do with them - not one bit at all! These sort of patterns cannot be broken over night - unless God does a miraculous work. I trust that this trust issue will be resolved because He has made an appointment with me and given me a direction that He seeks me to find freedom in. Sounds simple enough - until those trust issues bounce up and hit you in the face and/or hit you in the heart.... again. I seek to trust... I want to trust... I need to learn how to trust again.

Hebrews 13:5
".....I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. I will not, I will not, I will not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake nor let you down (relax My hold on you)! Assuredly not!" (from the Amplified Bible)

I'm holding on to this promise!

Pity Post Follow-Up

Another 'aha' moment. The pity post below has been hard for me to express effectively and I'm getting a bit more clarity as this is all being 'talked' out. This follow up is NOT meant for anyone but me. I hope if someone out there gets clarity on this as well - then they will be at peace too but this was just another piece of the puzzle I feel I can 'see' more clearly now.

So, I'm thinking some may have an aversion to the phrases 'pity party' or 'whining'. I guess I can say that I have dared to go there with people in my life - meaning join them and listen and say all the 'ahuhs' at the proper time to only find that down the road I still thought issues x, y and z were issues for them. Since those issues were REGULAR, if not daily, complaints.

As a friend who had faithfully played the role of passive listener regularly for this friend, I offered the regular encouraging words that in the past made this friend feel she could go on. Not that I said anything brilliant or worthy of quoting but these 'acknowledgements' of her pain once made her feel I understood her. Without warning the standard acknowledgements brought a SEVERE reaction of anger. Without warning this person has become an enemy of sorts, but not by my choosing. This person has shut me out of her life (and continues to do so) and doesn't seem to notice that through all of this I may have been hurt too.

The only thing I'm left with is a void and wondering of why all of a sudden the words that were soothing no longer helped. I've seen how an encouraging word - no matter how well intended can literally cut someone as deeply as a hateful word. If the one who speaks of her pain all the time is allowed to wallow in that phase too long it does harm the relationship. It does so on many levels. That person may very well become depressed and/or have a meltdown of sorts. That person may resent you for knowing so much of their 'dark' thoughts. That person may suddenly heal over the issues they've now drug you through over the years and it may be hard for you, the innocent bystander, to see things as rosey as they now do. Or that person may just change without warning and now the thing that brought peace now cuts them to their core.

So I see now why that relationship is severed AND I see why it may very well be a healthy solution now; and yet I don't know where it all went downhill - officially. I know that God brings good to all things and I see how He is trying to show me truth in all of this. I see how this topic alone has brought me to a place of feeling defensive and alone - due to feeling misunderstood, but now I see that may have been necessary for me to further dive into what God wanted me to see.

It is never good to be cut off from someone and it never feels good to think I've had a role in that but knowing God brings good to all things allows me to let this deep pain not feel so achy. To feel this rejection is hard to deal with, to feel that my good effort brought destruction makes me sad. To know I did the best I knew to do and God can make good of my mess is all I have now. But - ultimately I'm not the one who 'caused' this... I only allowed it.

I've learned to sort of shut down when I'm around perpetual complainers and I think I see why now. I've been burned by one and I don't know how to effectively listen while making them feel heard - without offering up a potential sacrifice of another relationship. I know there is a difference between healthy venting and whining/complaining non-stop... but without warning healthy venting turned INTO whining/complaining non-stop. That's not healthy and now that's what I avoid but how do you balance the 2? How do you be a friend who listens without enabling someone to their own destruction and/or the destruction of a friend?

I think in my naive effort to 'be there' for her I never realized that for this friend - she was in over her head and possibly needed professional help. Not that she was nuts but she (as I had been too) had just come out of a TRAUMATIC TIME - one that stops your life and makes you regroup. You have no choice but to face the new reality and it WASN'T what you expected it to EVER be either!

I'm realizing my heart had hidden the constant pain of this situation from me and obviously God is wanting to heal me in this area. I want to be healthy enough to know when to say STOP, but right now I don't know when that would be - so instead I panic and try to avoid the current friend I want to support or worse - I encourage them when they want anything but encouragement. So thank you all - to those who understood me and especially to those who did not. By this question percolating in my heart a bit more - a root issue was revealed. Lack of trust. God help me to trust again!

To Pity or To Encourage? - What a Question!

Lately I've been a voyeur of sorts. I've been on the outskirts of tragedy and ordinary discomforts, and of unnecessary freak outs for that matter. It has been an interesting time of gleaning. This wasn't a journey I sought out for myself, it sort of landed in my lap.

There have been people in my life who've had loved ones pass away and they've demonstrated such STRONG faith in God in the midst of their severest pain. They've shared their pain of the moment along with the confidence in God's ability to do and BE good in the midst of such loss. My time peeking into this experience has really caused me to reflect on myself and those I now see going through life's ups and downs.

This sight of such confidence and faith has made me weep uncontrollably at times and then left me feeling a desire to BE stronger. To not get so caught up in the little whining we all are prone to from time to time. It has made me unusually sensitive to the way we all tend to share a very MINOR inconvenience and present it in such a way that it appears our world is crashing down around us. It has become obvious to me, after watching all of these displays, that we all sometimes fall into the trap of wanting everyone around us to pity us for something that we should clearly deal with! It isn't THAT bad!

I've also witnessed another family go through the same road of grief and go into the 'why' phase of grief. (I'm sure the strong family will go through this phase too but I'm just sharing what God has shown me in all of this.) Hearing their heart cries of why and the feeling of desperately aching for that loved one is so easy to understand. To see their hearts literally ACHE makes my heart ACHE and I desire to hold them tightly and take their ache away.

I'm learning that some of our ordinary whining is another form of grief, some is warranted and some is not. Grieving the death of a friend or family member is a worthy journey in grief but grieving the loss of sleep or a phase of life with our kids/marriage (as a random example) causes a grief of sorts too. But it does often cause those who've been there before us to offer a common story to encourage you that it will get better. I've become very aware of watching those who share those minor hiccups of life continuously, they welcome (eagerly welcome) all of those who say 'You have such a hard life. Poor you.'. Sadly, the moment someone offers the teeniest bit of advice to encourage their friend they are silenced by the whining friend. The whining friend then tends to discontinue any further discussions on that topic. They don't say it but they are not allowing the person with the practical reality check to enter in the conversation. Well, they aren't WELCOMING them to talk because they are opposed to the reality check.

This whole observation has brought me MUCH understanding. I'm one who likes to encourage my friends when I see them crying out from a life experience. Sure, I know their world is not REALLY crumbling but I want to offer something to show them I care. There have been MANY times I've done such and I've pulled back my outstretched hand of friendship to find my hand was slapped. I've left these scenarios feeling "What did I do wrong? Did I offend them?". As a result, that relationship feels distant and I feel I must stifle myself around that person because I didn't know how I messed things up.

After watching these situations God has really shown me that there are seasons that people do NOT want any help or advice. They WANT pity they don't want an encouraging word or a cheery smile. They want to roll around in the 'poor me' world as long as they can get away with it. I'm ALL about a pity party! I can truly throw down in a pity party when they arise. I just think we are all better served if we advise our friends that encouragement needs to be left at the door for now due to an unplanned pity party. That way we aren't hurting one another without knowing.

The family who was not in the place to be encouraged through the death in their family - I respected their stance SO MUCH more because they said "I know so and so is in a better place but I just want them here now. I know that isn't fair or right but that's how I feel." Knowing they knew this made it so much easier to let them go 'there' with their cries because you knew where they stood. They were in that unreasonable phase and THEY knew that! (I of course would NEVER consider this experience of grief to be whining, by ANY means. So please do not mistake my use of whining and this example as being one in the same. This example was just one God used to magnify the examples in daily life. This family was authentic with where they were in the process, unlike many in ordinary places of pain.)

I've learned that there is a time and a place for an encouraging word now and I see that those friends who've basically slapped me for daring to encourage them felt insulted by my encouraging word. I'm learning through all of this to guard even an encouraging word, or let's say I will still give it but the instance I am slapped I will stop trying to comfort them for that moment, and realize that their unnecessary slap was really them just saying 'no thank you' to a friend lending an ear/encouraging word. It isn't personal - it is only where they are right now. That allows me to not get my feelings hurt and fall into the pit of wondering about the entire friendship. Now I can offer grace by being quiet knowing they are content, for now, in their misery (they have the Eeyore syndrome).