2008 - What a year!

*****WARNING - this post is LONG and is about a difficult time in my life. If you aren't interested in hearing about the loveliness of my God you may want to skip this novella.****

2008 was a tough year for me. Looking back - it was stuffed full, the kind of full where you stuff the closet so full you need help to close the door. It was an uncomfortable year and good all at once. It was only in the looking back that I now see a method to the seeming madness. It wasn't until the very last week of December that it became clear what all happened in 2008.

The year really began without much pomp and circumstance. I began attending a small group at church for saving money and felt empowered in an area that seemed so difficult for me. In fact, the first meeting of that group I felt so overwhelmed - that it brought me to tears. God made quick work of teaching me and I began to see much learning in a short time in this area. It was God answering the cry of my heart. Sometime towards the beginning of the year (I don't know exactly when because I really wanted to forget) I received some discouraging news about someone close to me. At first I was fine because it really wasn't about me.. but after awhile I began having issues.

It wasn't issues with that person, necessarily. It is now clear (after God gave me a little glimpse at perspective the last week of Dec) that that incident was a final straw for me. It triggered a grieving process that went on the rest of the year. Everything that happened in 2008 was touched by grief for me. I was in another small group with friends and found myself a mess over many different topics. Sobbing to the point of physically shaking.

Looking back - I saw NONE of these incidents as being connected to one another but they all were. I grieved every.single.thing.that has ever gone wrong in my life. I think my main source of grief was of any and all expectations I had in my life. Grieving things that were long resolved to my head but my heart was still an oozing gooey mess (without my knowing).

In 2008 God was so gracious to allow us to visit family and friends several times. On one trip to see friends/family I decided to make an appointment with a former mentor. During that visit in June God really did some deep work in my life. I now know that meeting was my spring board for breakthrough.

Then in July my former pastor preached via DVD in our hometown, we were in the One Prayer series. His sermon caused a grief to soar up like I didn't know I could have. He spoke on "Lord Make Us Extremely Generous" and I left the service during prayer because I was sobbing. We picked up the kids and were on our way home. I was talking with Steve about how sad I was that we were ever exposed to such a life changing church as HPC if we were no longer going to be plugged into ministry the way we were trained. Our church here was great but there is just something unique about Pastor Dino and the heartbeat of HPC. I think all churches have their own heartbeat which is why we need different churches. On our drive home I was lamenting my heartbreak when I asked Steve "What is our calling now if we can't plug in like we are trained to? What are we here for? Did our calling change?" That is when the car in front of us turned into a parking lot, revealing the license plate of the car in front of them. (I must tell you that Steve and I have always felt we are called to give. It has been the truest thing we've ever known. It is like air to us.) So the license plate read: BRN2GV.

I began crying because it was as though Abba Father answered my desperate cry for help. He saw my confusion and my aching heart. He knows we have a calling and he didn't change the calling while we were in this hard place. I knew we were so out of our element here that it hurt. That license plate confirmed to me that our calling hasn't changed. We are just in a different season right now. That was when I began to mourn the feeling of being bound. I began to notice the areas that made me feel bound. The areas that we were once flowing in on a regular basis were so stifled here. It was like a spotlight showed up with me and lit up every area that once had life in our lives but was now dead. I began a mourning beyond my understanding.

I began to plug into other ministries outside of our church - anything to feel alive and anything to find answers. I went on a retreat in September with friends from back home and God really was so precious and tender to heal my heart. I felt the pain in my heart unlike anything I've ever felt. I truly felt how tender and bruised it was from over the years. Then I felt how whole I felt after the retreat. It was supernatural. I've never felt anything like that EVER!

I returned home in September feeling renewed and strong and alive. Alive like I hadn't felt in decades! The thing that confused me was I still had moments of grief. Then in November... a cry of my heart was answered. We found a church with a heartbeat that fits us. Our former church is fabulous and we have no complaints - it just never felt like home to us. We felt like we were visiting for 3 years. I can't explain why - we just didn't belong there.

We began attending the new church and it felt like life returned to our family as a unit. Steve began plugging in and it just felt right. The ache in our hearts was gone and we began feeling whole again. Truths were being revealed to us - things that were hard for us were now becoming easy. Friends began to come forth - the kind of people you can be genuine with and they will do the same. No awkwardness - just real people you feel like yourself around.

By December Steve and I felt we hit the lottery in many areas of pain. Things that felt so wrong were beyond right - they were like little pieces of heaven. God revealed much truth on why and what He was up to during that time - the answers we had been seeking for years. Many lessons were learned and heartaches healed. Although our lives are far from perfect - there is NOTHING like KNOWING God and KNOWING He's a cry away. He's been so immediate in answering the cries of our heart - it makes me realize how many times He's been there in the past but we were too busy trying to make everything right that we didn't notice.

This post is more or less a remembrance for me. A way to mark what the Lord has done for us. It is also meant to encourage you - if you are in a hard place... He is there. One thing I've learned more than anything else this year is... the times I felt SO alone (and that was most of 2008) He was gently cradling me in His arms as I cried on His shoulder. So tender and so concerned for me - his daughter. The river of tears in 2008 were gently collected - every single tear - and they are all His now. 2008 was a lonely year - one of my loneliest times yet but I began 2009 with such strength and such fullness that looking back on the pain of 2008 truly brings me joy today. 2009 is proving to be a joyous time and a time for the impossible to be possible for us. What a change a year can make - if God is allowed full access to our deepest darkest pains. I truly learned how swift.. how extremely swiftly our Lord will swoop in an answer the cries of our heart - we must cry out to Him though. He does need our permission to get involved. He lets us lead if we refuse to seek Him. He's such a gentleman - He waits to be asked before He assumes a thing. Even when He knows best. What an awesome, lovely, precious, on-time, GOOD, GREAT, God I serve. I am humbled by any good deeds He would allow to come to me. It is so good to KNOW there IS purpose in all of our pain.

I stopped comparing, for today.

It is easy to dismiss the good you ARE doing when you are busy comparing your journey to others. I thought we were not getting enough Bible in our lessons, once I looked at what we were doing I found we were fine all along.

We were:
1. Listening to Bible story CD's (with music too) in the van

2. I read Bible verses repeatedly until HC began saying "Shh, shh Mom. I want to say it by myself." (Like the Lord's Prayer)

3. We have learned 3 Bible scriptures (not counting the passages mentioned in #2)

4. We read Bible Stories - we have a collection of Veggie Tale books that discuss character issues like Sharing , etc.

5. We read prayer poems

6. We start our school day with worship

7. We pray. HC is even telling me "I trust God Mom. I told God I trust Him to help me with x-thing." This has become a common statement lately. Which tells me SHE is praying on her own too!

Anyway, just wanted to say that when we are busy comparing our journey to another person's journey - we often miss what we ARE doing right. Not to mention the constant supervision of me, Mom, has taught my kids conflict resolution. They are friends (9 times out of 10). Not in theory. They really ARE friends. They take care of each other, they help each other, they encourage each other, they LIKE each other, they are genuinely kind to one another!! That doesn't just happen!! It isn't my doing, it is a God thing. Obviously God knows how to reach my kids hearts and He is busy doing just that! What an awesome thing to recognize!

So I will stop comparing my journey to yours for today. Then tomorrow, I will choose to stop again! Such an easy thing to say but so difficult to do. I think we all tend to look to our fellow Moms, and their kids, as a barometer for our kids. It is easy to forget that our kids are different. They have different gifts, talents and abilities as well as different emotional needs and different methods of learning. God is the only one with the plan that will work. He knows how to lead us so we can lead them! I hate to say that I tend to check in with my Mom friends on how they handle x-issue before I pray sometimes. I hope to seek Him first in this area. I will do that today!

Answered Prayer

January has been an unusual month for me. I've never blogged during the month of January, so I may find this experience to be normal, but I felt the weight of 2008 on my shoulders. We were recovering from the travels of Christmas and we were getting back into the groove of school. A lot of adjusting it seems.

Our church always begins the year with prayer and fasting, this year was no different. I've never been one to fast (this fact changed January 2006 - my first fast). I know it is a personal discipline and one that should be done by God's leading AND one that is done privately. I do not share my experience to broadcast this information to the world, but to put my praise in context!

So, recovering from travels and getting back to routine was accompanied by a deep time of seeking. I found my heart heavy for where we are going in our Home School journey next year. HC and I are doing great, now that we've overcome a few bumps in the road, but I feel an urgency to train her more using the Bible. I asked around to a few Moms in real life and blog life, "What do you use?? Do you LOVE it or is it just acceptable?" etc. Their answers didn't help me. (Go figure) :)

Time for a common reminder AGAIN. This journey isn't being led by the Joneses AND if 'so and so's' family is called to x-curriculum, that doesn't mean we are! I still felt I was missing the opportunity to share God's Word with my kids. Here I am able to train them up in the way they should go but I feel lost in the how.

Our local Home School group met Monday, January 21st, to discuss our semester field trips and to visit. Before this meeting I was being stirred as stated. I had my list of things I felt would accomplish a great education for my soon to be K-5 daughter in August. I felt empowered but still missing the Bible tool. I am always empowered by a list of what I plan to do, but I also know that list is subject to change. God always makes the final cuts, I am just glad to have a general direction at all. Later in the week I received a notice from Scholastic that the book club we joined (last year) was finished - we had all the books in that sequence. The next book coming to me was.....

Did I ever tell you that I love the God factor of my life!! I love when He peeks His Almighty Head into my life to say "I've been working on this WAY before I put this burden on your heart!!!!!"

Ok, so the next book Scholastic was sending my way was this (which arrived Friday):

I was thrilled!! This devotional has great Devotions with things we can do together to make the Bible story come alive. JUST WHAT I WAS SEARCHING FOR!! I say searching, but more like a consuming search! The devotion can be used with about 5 Veggie movies that also reinforce the Bible story. YAY isn't enough! So for the remainder of our Pre-K school time we have a great devotion to start off the Bible portion of our learning.

OK, so the week before our meeting I found a website for a curriculum that interests me. It is Heart of Wisdom. I know we are at the beginning of our journey but I want a general direction for our family. I have a lot of questions still but at least I feel drawn to something finally! Did I mention that I was wanting the HOW of getting God's word into our future studies?? They are the HOW curriculum. :) HOW funny is that!

So, I found that website and the host just happened to offer a contest. I registered the weekend before my meeting and the day after our meeting I found out that I won an E-book. It was beyond a thrill to me because I could see what a unit study was!! The E-book really gave me a glimpse to see if HC is ready for the units or if I should wait until a year or two to start unit studies.

This may have been the most boring read for you but this is answered prayer to me. The kind of prayer that aches your soul. My daughter's education is in my hands and the weight of knowing that is sometimes too much to bear! I feel like know God heard the cries of my heart AGAIN! That is beyond exciting to me! So I give MUCH PRAISE today!!!!

SNOW SNOW SNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOORAY HOORAY!!! WE ARE HAVING A SNOW DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HC tasting snow!
HC finally has the snow she prayed for!!!!!!!
It keeps snowing and snowing and snowing!!!! YIPPEE!!!!