I think I'm a partially lit tree!

(Can you see the bright light I see - mid-bottom, left?)

Our partially lit Christmas tree is standing before me. I've taken down the decorations and yet the tree remains standing with lights on. This year, maybe due to pregnancy or maybe due to the return of joy to me, I have delayed the taking down of the decorations. I don't want Christmas to end. "Just one more day, I'll take it all down in one more day." Here we are on the 9th of January and my decorations are finally down, but the tree remains.

So I sit here, looking at the Rubbermaid tubs waiting to be closed and put away, but all I can see is this single glaring light in my eyes. I never noticed it before, with all the decorations on the tree, but now it is all I can see. I realize my noticing this light is mostly due to the positioning of the single light bulb, but it is also due to my position. If I move - the light becomes hidden by a branch or the angle I see from seems more dim.

Another thing I notice is the tree is really partially lit. We have one, if not two strands of lights that have gone out. So I look at this tree and one light outshines the rest and other spots are dim. It makes me think of how we are supposed to be salt and light. Now that I've clearly noticed the brightly shining light on my tree - I can't help but see it above the rest. It is unavoidable to my eyes now.

One last thing I consider as I look at this tree, it will be down tomorrow, is the fact that it is partially lit. I know there are areas of my life where I believe I may shine for Him, but there are other areas where I know MUCH work is still needed. I look at this tree and see me. Maybe I have one hot spot of light that can't be ignored, while the rest of me is lit - just not outstanding. Yes there are areas that are not lit at all because I'm either resistant to growing in that area of my life or I'm clueless that there is no light there yet. It's still hidden from me.

It's interesting how this tree is bare and yet seems to reveal so much. Maybe that's how I am - so bare (feel so exposed and raw at times) and yet being authentic and genuine does not allow me to hide that. At times I feel there is nowhere to hide because of this unshakable authenticity; I can not even pretend the things I want to pretend. I am so obvious in my disapproval and in my pain and in my joy - it is not something I can control. At times I want to control it all so much, to be mysterious and private but no matter how much I want to hold back the truth - it comes pouring out in my face, body language or my words because it is a flood overtaking me. "I'm FREE!!!! I'm sad! I'm HAPPY!!!! I'm mad! I'm disappointed! I'm HOPEFUL!!!!!" Whatever IT is - it comes out. Not in a way that I take it out on others, but in a way where I want to keep that to myself but can't bare hiding.

I guess that's good and it can be bad too. Some don't appreciate that trait and are very uncomfortable with such raw emotion, but I'm learning to find where I'm embraced and received with gladness and let the rest go their way. No apologies because God made me me! No apologies because, if I am out of line or if I do need correcting, God is definitely gonna show me! I'm a work in progress and I'm LOVING the journey now versus trying to control and purpose things! I'm just me! Shining, dim, bright, totally off, or a beacon. Whatever I am, I am me! This 'tree' is partially lit - there are bright spots, spots that blend in and are not noticed, and a few shaded spots (where the lights are out). I'm not perfect and yet I can still shine in my flawed state. There are still areas where I'm light even when I do not realize it!

I think when we are least aware of our influence and our potential is when we make the biggest impact for Him! May I never know when and where my light shines for Him! May I be clueless to this fact so that I can remain useful for HIS plan. When we 'see' a plan and/or 'way' we can be used is when we have an agenda and a plan and are least flexible. It is when we are flying blind - when we don't see what is obvious to those around us that our light can't help but be a beacon to those in our lives.

Just like that lighthouse is a beacon on a foggy night to ships at sea. Once the lighthouse is lit - all ships in need of direction can't avoid seeing the light. That's what we should be like - we should start in prayer (turn the light on) and yield to THE One who matters and just be. Being is a way more impactful method than telling everyone how to be anyway. When we ARE light, we draw all men unto Him. Being means we know Him enough to reflect Him. Being means we are clueless about it. Being means a life that is at rest. Being is far more valuable than convincing. Being is trusting Him to be in control of the reigns and enjoying the journey. God let me BE whatever, whenever, however. I lay MY plan down!

Jason Upton- "Under the Shadow"- Live in Albany

Verse 1

I've Been Running Trying To Find Me Refuge
Never Stopping Long Enough To See
All The While You Were Right There Waiting
To Hide Me In The Shadow Of Your Wings

Chorus

Under The Shadow
Under The Shadow
Under The Shadow Of Your Wings
I Will Find My Rest
Under The Shadow
Under The Shadow
Under The Shadow Of Your Wings
I Will Find My Rest

Verse 2

I Get So Thirsty Trying To Find Your Presence
That I Forget To Stop And Take A Drink
All The While You Are Right There Wanting
To Pour Your Healing Water Over Me

Chorus

Under The Shadow
Under The Shadow
Under The Shadow Of Your Wings
I Will Find My Rest
Under The Shadow
Under The Shadow
Under The Shadow Of Your Wings
I Will Find My Rest
In You

Bridge

It's Only In You
It's Only In You Lord

Thanksgiving is my FAVORITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've been thinking about how Thanksgiving is ONE of my favorite days each year, but the truth is it is my MOST favorite holiday!!! The thing I love about Thanksgiving is that it is not about giving/getting anything. It is about gratitude. It is a time to take a fresh look at our lives and say 'WOW, life is good!'. Sure, sometimes life is not all we want it to be - there are times of disappointment but.... amazingly to me - even in the bad times of life I can see how God has preserved us and it wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been. It's a time to appreciate God's grace on our lives!

It's also a time to remember what we DO HAVE. This world we live in presses us to the next thing all the time. The newest, latest, greatest thing to have is ever pressing upon us with a 'you must buy me' mantra in tow. But at Thanksgiving we can look at what we DO have versus what we do not have. We can be thankful for our truly bountiful blessings. Our homes, our vehicles, our washer and dryer, our dishwasher, our refrigerator and stove and beds and on and on. Such simple things we forget to think about. Our washer and dryer is a bit dated and at times I think of what it would be like to have the front loader, but then today as I was loading the washer I thought "I'm so thankful that our washer and dryer is working well. No problems with either of them." Sure, they sound like they are working hard when in use, with all the squeaking and such but... PRAISE GOD THEY WORK!!!!

It's also a time to be thankful for the people God has brought into our lives, family and friends. Sure, we all have those difficult relationships in our lives but.... I see those people as the relationships I learn the most from. They are NOT easy and those relationships often offer me the best they know how to give me today. Maybe it is due to a bias against me or maybe they are in such pain they cannot see how they are so hard to love, or maybe there is a mutually known conflict, whatever the case... I'm not mad at what they cannot give - I'm thankful they are prospering in their lives and that is enough. I don't want to look at what they are not - I do not expect anything more than what they offer. That is enough and that is how I can manage to show thanks for even the difficult people in my life. (And yes, at times, I know that I am the problem in some difficult relationships; but until God reveals that to me I usually do not see clearly either. Until He reveals that I have to approach the difficult relationships as I mention above.)

It's a time to stop and think 'WOW God - I don't know why you blessed me but you have blessed me indeed and for that I give you THANKS!' There is no 'gimmee gimmee gimmee' it is 'thank you, thank you, thank you'. He has done great things for us!

SO HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO YOU ALL! I pray your Thanksgiving is a true day of rest to you and your loved ones, that you are able to taste and see that the Lord, He is good!!

Jesus Culture 09 All I Need - Kim Walker)

Verse 1:
I left my fear by the side of the road
Hear You speak, You won't let go
Fall to my knees, as I lift my hands to pray
Got every reason to be here again
Father's heart that draws me in
And all my eyes wanna see is a glimpse of You

Chorus:
All I need is You
All I need is You, Lord, is You, Lord
All I need is You
All I need is You, Lord, is You, Lord

Verse 2:
One more day, and it's not the same
Your Spirit calls my heart to sing
Drawn to the voice of my Savior once again
Where would my soul be without Your Son
Gave His life to save the earth
Rest in the thought that You're watching over me

Bridge 1:
All I need is You
All I need is You
All I need is You
All I need is You

Bridge 2:
You hold the universe
You hold everyone on earth
You hold the universe
You hold, You hold

Warfare and Beauty

The fight - the fight to hide out and keep myself from pain versus being fully and wholly me. It seems to be THE battle I've fought all my life, and continue to face from time to time. To hide is to keep a guard over pieces of me. To keep my heart bottled up in a dark hidden place where no one can hurt me and no one can evaluate me and no one can tear me to bits. Sounds good at the start but it never satisfies.

The more hidden my heart becomes the less of me I am free to be. I feel contrived and less authentic. I feel like I CAN'T be me during those times - like it isn't allowed or welcomed. As if to be me is a HUGE mistake for everyone to see.

I'm re-reading 'Captivating' by John and Stasi Eldredge with a few friends. This week we are reading about being romanced and about the beauty to unveil. That as women we ache to be romanced and we ARE beautiful.

The scripture shared was 1 Peter 3:3-4 "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit."

Not saying that we can't or shouldn't wear beautiful things nor is it saying we should all be gentle and quiet. God makes us all unique and different. The inner beauty rises up from a heart at rest. Striving to BE beautiful is often not beautiful at all. It is only when we are at rest with our selves and who GOD says we are and what HE sees in us is when our beauty flawlessly rises up.

An excerpt from the book "God, in his faithfulness, is changing me. But I remain an extrovert. In fact, instead of making me into someone else, he is make me more me. And that is one of the beautiful things about him. That the more his we become, the more ourselves we become; more our true selves. So it is a good thing that I misunderstood the Scripture. Peter doesn't mean that beautiful women rarely speak above a whisper, if they speak at all. No. To have a gentle and quiet spirit is to have a heart of faith, a heart that trusts in God, a spirit that has been quieted by his love and filled with his peace. Not a heart that is striving and restless."

I know for me, my romance with God has done just that! I feel the most at rest with myself than ever before. I still war out the knowing of that and the resting in that from time to time. Just put me in a situation where I feel unsure about my surroundings or myself and BAM - my restless self rises back up! My striving to hide or be enough self rises up.

The most precious thing of all is that having found this rest with God has led me to quickly see when I'm fighting the urge to be at rest in a situation. And rather than get lost in a cycle of hiding out, He is quick to shine His light of loving truth on the matter and bring me back to where He wants me to be. At rest in Him, not striving to be enough in the room. I'm thankful my striving has become a more rare choice for me these days but when it does rise up - I feel so disappointed in myself for losing my rest in Him. It is never worth losing for anyone or anyplace! My rest in Him is priceless it is painless. It is my Shalom! Why in the world would I leave my very own Shalom to hide myself?

I love feeling like myself! There is no joy in playing guard over my own heart. It is natural to do that from time to time but I do not want to live there ever again. I've been freed from that job years ago and I get so frustrated when I see I've fallen back into that trap again - leaning on myself instead of resting in Him. I have to look at the fact that I am quick to return to Him, I don't stay there long but it sure feels like I'm falling none the less. I'm victorious in this anyway because back in the day I would take 1 step forward in my walk with Him and about 50 backwards. Now, the steps seem more like 20 steps forward and 2 steps backward. Who can complain with those odds?! I know the only way I'm now taking 20 steps forward and so few backwards is ALL due to Him! Without His grace and strength and His love and His smiling over me and His kindness and His mercy.... I would be back at the 1 step forward and 50 backward marker. Lord, may I REMAIN IN rest IN YOU!

Show me how to trust You more readily - even when I feel the urge to rise up and guard myself. Help me quiet the urge to fight for myself and help me rest in trust that YOU have it covered. I can't fight for myself well anyway, I much rather when you do it but I still have pieces I find it my sole job to cover just in case a dagger makes it through your protective covering. It sounds foolish to even say that but that is what my actions scream out - my actions to guard those tiny spots are screaming 'GOD CAN'T HANDLE THIS SO I HAVE TO!' What a sad fact to see glaring in my face - I choose to trust You to guard me beautifully. I just don't know how to stop myself from rising up to defend because even though I'm not saying anything in those moments, my silence is a guard. It keeps me from facing the giants that make me want to hide. I want to hide and yet I want to trust! Help me trust! I hate hiding and feeling beaten down with no voice. I'm tired of the silent smack downs I feel thrown my way whether I sit in silence or I stand and smile. I don't know if I'm in line with Your plan or if I'm hiding. Am I hiding myself in this or are you covering me so well that I feel hidden by You and think it's me? I am shielded by You! I am guarded and safe! I am under your wings! I am under your wings! I am at rest! I trust.

(I feel the need to assure those who may be concerned, it is truly well with me - this post is just the result of glimpses God gives me of times I failed to lean fully on Him. This causes me to see what I let go of, even if for just a moment, and this grieves my heart. No major trials surround me now, just a knowing that at times - I fail to trust Him fully when I want to desperately. That's all this is - a moment of clarity that keeps me pressing toward the mark!)

God's Grace in Nineveh

Have you ever felt like the journey you were on was detoured towards Nineveh while you weren't looking?! Last night I had a few things on my mind and it hit me - this journey feels like I'm headed to Nineveh. When did that happen?

I am no Jonah, this is for sure, but I can totally relate to that "I don't want to go there feeling. Anywhere but there!" All the while seeing that this may just be where God has been bringing me all along, a full circle moment of sorts. {sigh} Steve and I have found God's favor comes when you least expect it. The favor of God is usually a joyful experience, until it is in Nineveh.

Knowing you have God's favor involves things being quite easy and a fast pace forward all of a sudden. There is peace and ease and a sense of awe that leaves you feeling "What just happened? Really? This is happening to us.... now?! Wow! This sort of thing never happens!" It is a sudden fast track that comes from a divine moment perfectly orchestrated by The One Who spoke the world into existence. I have recently found myself sad about God's favor because it isn't in the place I was hoping it would be. It is in the place He knows has more impact and more purpose than I can see.

Unlike Jonah, I find myself right in the middle of this Nineveh instead of the belly of the whale. But I realized last night that I am in the place physically but my heart is not fully engaged. This was when I began to cry saying 'Why here? Why this place? Why?' and with tears streaming the thought came rushing into my head 'It feels like Nineveh and I don't wanna go!' Clearly I'm there but I didn't want to fully engage - arms distance please.... no closer... nothing to see here - move along. But that's when it became evident that God's favor is surrounding this place and we must engage. We must and I must surrender my hopes/plans/expectations so that I can be someone He can fully mold into His image.

He LOVES the people of Nineveh, I have to press in and release my opinions and see what He sees. He sees what matters and I see a limited view of something that makes me sad. Nineveh received what God sent Jonah to share - they were eager to repent and seek His face. I have to trust that if God sends us to a seeming Nineveh to me; then He has a receptive audience waiting to receive what He sends us to share. God's favor is such a unique and beautiful thing but it can also be a hard thing to walk in. My plans are not His plans - seems like a reoccurring theme in the Bible and in my life. I've got to yield my plans daily so that His plans may fully be fulfilled and His purposes will be accomplished. His favor may be hard to walk in at times, but the reward is always sweet at the end. Even sweeter when you grow in the midst of your favor. He never promised it would be easy but His grace, to walk in the hard places, is always sufficient!

*** The Nineveh I share as 'my Nineveh' is not a corrupt awful place - it is just a place that is not appealing to me. I only came up with the Nineveh example as I feel God showed me how I resist wanting to plug in where He is nudging me to do so. It isn't referring to a bad thing just the fact that like Jonah - I want to go another way instead of the way God was showing me. It was just an example God used to show me my heart regarding this. Just in case someone may try to 'understand' what I may mean - it's just an analogy.

Knowing Who You Are

Lately, I've come to see the value of knowing our true identity, if you don't have a strong knowing of who you are then someone can convince you that you are who they say you are. This is an important thing to know in our daily walk of life. If we waiver in our identity then we are easily swayed with the events of the day. There is no stability in our lives when we are unclear as to who we are.

I have been pondering this thought for sometime now. "Who do I think I am, really?" versus "Who do people think I am?" versus "Who does God say that I am?" It is easy to see who we are with a few labels: I am Morning Song on my blog, I am Melodye in my every day life. Who is Melodye? Well, the obvious answers are "I am the oldest of 4 in my family, a Daughter and Granddaughter of faith filled parents/grandparents, wife of my husband, mother of my children, believer in The One True God, lover of Bible Studies, constant learner, teacher to my children (we home school), friend to many, etc., etc. The list could go on and on.

"Who do I think I am?" I have come to learn that my identity, as comes from my perspective, is surprisingly skewed. I am a perfectionist, when left to my own vices, and so my perspective of myself is often way off. I see a big mess, someone who just can't quite say it right, someone who could have said that/done that/known better. Ever-achieving for better.... the elusive pinnacle of perfect, and yet I know better! I am not perfect, I don't even see myself as perfect but I strive for that. I want to do whatever I do 'THE right way'. I don't want to be slothful or inefficient. I want to be a doer and to do things well.

"Who do they say think I am?" I have little idea of what my friends see when they see me. I hope they see a considerate and kind friend who cares for them. Someone they can lean on and depend on. Someone who loves them and cares for them and wants the best for them. But, no matter what, my mistakes in relationships often overshadow the good reports in my mind (no matter how few and far between they are). This could be the same answer for my family members too.

I hope my kids see a Mom who loves them dearly and a Mom who guards their hearts and teaches them the ways of the Lord. But I often feel failed in this task too because I often mess up and feel like a dog for the bad days, when my temper leads me instead of my prayer life. I hope my husband sees a loving wife who is there for him when he needs me, the wife he needs me to be, the true help that God has called me to be and not off on my own agenda neglecting my role. The truth is, I mess that up too. I look at the things that don't matter at times and neglect what does.

So who am I? Which answer is right? My 'hope to' answer or the perspective of the many 'they's' in my life? Neither! I've come to see how important it is to see and know who I am in Christ. Because 'in Melodye' I am a mess; but 'in Christ' I am victorious. In Christ I am the apple of His eye, in Christ I am a delight to Him, in Christ I am strong, in Christ I am cherished and valued, in Christ I am a conqueror, in Christ I am given supernatural favor. But the key is to stay IN CHRIST! That takes diligence and purposed seeking of Him. In my own strength I am weak, in my own strength I am tired. In Him I am strong, in Him I am renewed when I feel weak.

When I don't know who I am - I am easy to influence by the opinion of another. The only opinion that matters is HIS. If He sees me as beautiful.... I'm beautiful. If He sees me as well pleasing to Him.... then I'm well pleasing, even when another might find my acts to be less than pleasing. If He sees me as strong...... then I am strong, no matter how scared and weak I feel. If He sees me as able.... then no matter how much I feel this is beyond me, I am able. The key is hearing and seeing HIS report of who I am.

Lately there has been a question of sorts that has been a torment to me. "What church do you go to?" This has been a source of pain to me because I know what it feels like to be where I'm supposed to be and thus far, we haven't found that fit in our church hunt. It is so discouraging and I find myself being so embarrassed when someone asks me that simple question. I feel like a failure for not finding the right place yet, I feel like a church hopper and I feel like I'm committed to nothing. I feel like I'm failing my kids. It actually makes me feel a slight twinge of ickiness every time the question surfaces.

Why? Why in the world would I have such a strong feeling towards such a simple question? What is behind this? Why does that matter so much and why in the world is our place so hard to find? I think it matters so much to me because I was raised in church. I have been a faithful attender since in the womb, with a brief break during those crazy college days. To now not 'belong' anywhere is so foreign to me, it feels wrong.

I guess it would be about 10 years ago we began attending a church that brought the whole church thing up a level for me. After attending this church I had a new fire lit within and a feeling of greater purpose was born. I felt the most alive I've ever felt. I was offered a position on staff, I gladly accepted, was going about life with no regrets and BAM..... God moved us. He moved us far away from the comforts we so easily rested in. The time after the move brought the most growth in my life, personally, that I've ever known but the church factor has been another story.

It was last weekend that I began wondering if God was not allowing me to find that fit because of this unique journey I've found myself on since the move. But why would God do that? We are supposed to be connected to the Body. I am very connected to various groups of believers but there is not a single church body that we are involved in as a family. The question hit me, this week,..... 'What if this discontent is a part of God's plan for us - for this season of our walk?' What if HE orchestrated this seeming mess to me? What if He has a greater purpose in this discontent than I can comprehend right now? What if? But why? He wants us plugged in - I KNOW that is true!

Then this weekend some friends nudged me to listen to a conference that was available online and I did. The messages were fabulous and I felt refreshed after every segment! It wasn't until the last segment that I wondered if I found my answer. If you know the story of Gideon, from Judges 7:1-7, Gideon had an army ready for battle and God said 'there are too many with you' and God stripped their army down to a small 300. The 300 went to battle because God wanted to strip Gideon of his confidence. Gideon had confidence in the ability of the many to go to war but who would have confidence in 300? That is foolish. God wanted Gideon's confidence to be IN GOD alone. So sometimes God strips us of our areas of confidence so that when He sends you into your destiny - the job is way too big for you and you are forced to lean on Him. He wants all of our confidence in Him, not in our abilities, skills or training. To take away the things we think we need reinforces our eyes to look only to Him.

Is this what God is doing in me with the church thing? That would seem foolish but... I did have much identity in my church. I was proud to be an XYZ Church attender. I had great leaders empowering me and equipping me. I leaned fully on them and looked to them for guidance. God wanted that to be how I looked at Him. God wants me to look to Him alone, not a church, or a body of believers, or a friend to be my place of trust. He wants to be my all in all!

I may be WAY off with my assessment, because I know the value of gathering together, but I just can't shake the possibility that He may be up to something in this area with me. I believe it is for a specific season but... I can't get past the feeling that this is OK for now... that is until someone asks "where do you go to church?" I want to answer the question with "I live in church! Church is my life - I'm ever at church and gleaning from Him. I don't GO to church... I'm living the church." But that sounds haughty and may offend. But that is how I feel inside. I know the value of a church family - I desperately miss it! But I know He may have a better plan that feels like loss to me and is really a gain. My job is to get through the steps He has for me to conquer now so I can get to the other side. (And I can tell you that I'm gonna wonder if someone will take the "I live church" quotes wrong and I pray no one will - but the side of me that aches to think that I may possibly offend ANYONE... friend or stranger - will toss and turn over this for a few days but... it is a part of this journey I'm on. I need to stand in my confidence IN Him and let Him work on the things that are misunderstood. Not trying to be haughty - just trying to figure this thing out.)

I need to not worry about who others may think I am during this uncomfortable season, I need to stop bashing myself for not finding that fit, I need to rest in Him and trust that He once led me to where we fit perfectly before and He will do it again... when the time is right. It is so hard to feel like something so important to me is the very area that remains in limbo. I know His ways are higher than mine. I know His plans are always way better than mine. Resting in the discomfort is hard. I find it easy to endure for a short time and then I feel a wave of panic wash over me - but then I regroup and find my place of rest, in Him, again. It is a roller coaster ride, and although I love roller coasters, I feel like this real life version is not stopping when I want it to stop. It's like the guy at the control switch just keeps it going and going and going and I'm yelling 'LET me OFF THIS THING!' But I would rather stay on until He knows I'm ready to stand tall in where He is leading me. So I regroup and rest.... again. He has the end in sight, He has the map, I must trust in Him. Reject all feelings and all doubt and trust Him because He is always good.

Walking Through Pain

When we restrict our hearts from God, we injure ourselves. We basically say 'God, I can't trust You, or anyone, with that part of my heart. So I will guard that place in my heart. No thanks, I don't need Your help. I'll take it from here.' But how can we truly guard our heart effectively? The only thing we can do is build up a wall around that injured area. Sadly there is no ointment of truth being applied and no surgery by the Master Physician in that area, so that area remains toxic - but toxic behind the isolated, self-made wall.

What happens next is that we either let NO ONE in that piece of our hearts or.... after much testing of someone - we find someone we are willing to open up to in that area. Since that area has never been tended to and is not healed - it is a matter of time before that someone will bump us in that spot and we don't just respond with "That hurt me, don't do that." But rather it is another time someone has hurt us there so we try to build an even more sturdy wall around that wound than before. It will now be a LONG time before we trust someone with that piece of us ever again!

We then become so walled up in that area that no one is allowed in that dark recess of our heart. That wound is nurtured, but not towards healing, it is nurtured with vows of 'I'll never.' "I'll never trust anyone again. I'll never open up in that area again. I'll never.... I'll never..... I'll never!" We are not bringing healing to our hearts but reinforcing a wall of lies. The lie is that we think we are able to properly care for ourselves in that area. To some that area could be unthinkable abuse, to others it could be neglect... whatever the cause of that wound - the wound has now not been cared for behind the wall self built, but it has been given toxic ointment that has now made this original pain (no matter how large or small it was in the beginning) become infected with additional issues.

We now have reinforced our pain with more pain in that area. All along God wanted us to trust Him with that spot of pain - He made us to ache for Him. So that idea of what a 'true' such and such would be like is that part of our hearts that KNOWS we were made for someone to honor us and cherish us. That someone is HIM. He made us with an ache within that can only be filled by Him and the exciting thing about that is.... there is a piece of His heart that aches for us. There is a spot in God's heart that is all mine and if I reject Him, He cannot fill that spot without me. It's not like He can fill the Melodye spot of His heart with Samantha. It's MY spot! That's the same with our hearts. There is a God spot that cries out for the true expression of love, the true value of who we are, the true loving tender care we long for.

But when we begin looking for that spot to be filled by our family or friends or children... we become more empty because our family/friends AND children combined can never fill the God spot within us. So when we reinforce the 'I don't need a God who would let x-thing happen to me.' we are now toxic in our place of injury by another AND we have a heart ache that can NEVER be filled until we say yes to God. So there we are, walled in our wall of protection, not letting anyone in and not letting God tend to our aching heart. The heart that was made for love now has a wall in the middle of it. This wall surrounds a gaping, aching, toxic, neglected wound that longs to be healed AND a spot that God wants to mend for us.

It is only when we willingly trust Him to see our pain and we willingly trust Him to apply ointment and we willingly allow Him to bandage us up.... that is when healing begins. The tender, aching, throbbing wound still hurts to the touch. It hurts to the simple glance towards it even. But as truth is applied to that spot daily, the heart begins to mend little by little. And before you know it, you have a healed wound. When we look to God to fill our aches and we seek Him to heal our wounds - we are seeking a life of truth. We are able to receive the love He has for us and that ache is gone.

Now, when someone comes along and hurts us there again, we are whole. They don't pierce our hearts with their harshness or with their neglect. We feel the sadness from the injury but it doesn't pierce our heart. No wound is formed. This requires us keeping a constant eye on Him, constantly stopping to re-group when we feel like 'was that real? Did they mean that for me?'. He remains ever near to say "No my precious one. That was a result of their walled up heart. They neglected or abused you because of their pain, it wasn't about you. Rest in me." We can then take a deep breath and let that incident pass, if it is the type of pain that we question repeatedly... He is ever near to talk us through it as many times as it takes to get us through. We are never too much for Him, He is willing to listen to our hearts cry as long as it takes! But the joy of it all is... that on the other side of an injury that we take to Him immediately - we walk out stronger and without any sign of pain.

We walk out with our heads up and with a whole heart that remained in tact, although there were moments of sadness, the heart was never pierced. Rather than the incident piercing us, and changing us, it pierced Him and He carries us through without a side effect to follow. All that remains is the confidence built in His ability to carry us through a hard time. All that remains is a faith that has grown stronger, all that remains is a precious Father's love covering us and keeping us whole. Had we jumped away from His covering and followed our instinct to self-protect we would have taken much time to heal and be willing to show Him our pain (not to mention we would have likely hurt the other person in the process). But instead we went His way - we sought Him with every.single doubt and we were refreshed immediately with truth. It washed over us and removed any residue that may have sat upon our hearts and produced anger or hurt. A whole heart in the battle. What a miracle!

This is possible. How audacious of me to consider such a thought!?! I can tell you that earlier in my life - I've been the one to take my pain and be the protector of my own heart. What a tiring job - what a lonely job - what a sad job I did of guarding myself. I've also walked through a trying time with Him and followed His way and as a result I walked out of that pain with joy unspeakable and a peace that I still cannot understand. I am still amazed at how beautifully He guarded me and protected me. I was whole throughout the entire process. Not that I never cried or felt pain but the pain was quickly washed away, with my tears being poured out to Him. As soon as I felt the heaviness of it all, the weight was gone, He lifted my burden. I didn't marinate in it and let it seep into my heart, which produces a heavy heart.

I've walked through pain both ways and I can tell you, from experience that in the self-built walls... I lived a cursed life. A toiling and striving that was never productive. It was fruitless yet the most tiring experience ever. Walking under the shadow of His wings, while hurting, was a blessing. It produced life and it showed me how I only need Him to fill me. Any extras (good family and good friends) are a blessing but I only really need Him. He is enough and He is good to me and He cares for my heart beautifully. Much better than I could myself. What a blessing pain can be when it is kept in the very hand of God. Pain hurts no matter what but the sting and toxins cannot pierce His hands!

Choose Life.... Choose Blessings

Thinking about the curses side of the table, it does seem harsh for a curse to be passed down through generations at all. When I think of it that way it is a bit sad but I see the scripture states the curse in Exodus 20: 4-6 refers to those who hate God. It isn't like they are unsure of what they think of God but they hate God. They hate what He stands for and they hate His ways no matter what. Hate is defined as to dislike intensely or passionately. Synonyms for hate are loathe, despise, or detest. There are many more but this isn't a simple "I don't understand you God therefore I say no to you." This is an active agenda of hate.

I think that is the kind of hate that exists in an extreme few. Maybe I'm naive but I think the number of people who hate God with that kind of venom and agenda are few. I think the average person who says no to God may not hate Him, they may just not understand Him. I think God is not so harsh with those who simply cannot come to a decision, although consequences occur for not choosing. You must choose God or you will not be saved. It does require a decision. But to those who actively pursue hatred towards Him, to those there is a generational curse that is involved.

I think of the racists out there as an example to use. For those involved in extreme hate groups against one race or another - they often pass their agenda of hate onto their children. They are not passive in their desire to influence their children in their opinion. They are active and it is clear that if a child is raised in that naive single view of the world - they too will manifest that same racism. If they somehow have other influences in their lives that have enough influence to counter that agenda of hate... that child may form his own opinion and not adopt the hate of their father. It may take a few generations for the truth to pierce into a family. Just look at how long this nation took for a generation to look past color and to the individual. It is still a battle that some fight - they are seen as a race first in some peoples eyes versus being seen as a person who matters. Over 40 years to begin seeing a glimpse of hope in that area. Racism is an example that makes it so it is easy to see how a generation can be influenced to adopt a toxic view of the world.

I think those extreme examples, although that is not the only way people show hate towards God, show how some are never willing - there entire life - to see beyond their small view of truth. That extreme person will never say yes to God and will never let go of their agenda, unless God performs a miracle in their life. That is totally possible but considering a generational curse made me wonder what it would take for God to decide to allow that curse to remain for more than a single generation and I see now how a family can choose to reject truth as long as they choose to. God's choice would be that they see Him in truth and receive Him. But they do have a choice to reject Him - God doesn't force Himself on us. He wants us to choose Him. God prefers to bless but we actually choose the curse when we reject Him.

(Just wanted to note that I know Job didn't sin and had hardship/trials that were not warranted and were a test of his faith. There are times that hardships are purposed beyond us and come into our lives as a way to glorify God. Not saying that never happens but I am strictly speaking to the incidents where we do bring a curse upon ourselves by rejecting God's truth in specific areas. "Idols on our heart block worship, idols are there because we believe lies." Idol worship of any kind brings a curse upon our lives, no matter how small it may seem. A curse produces death in your life - it limits you. A blessings produces life in your life - it opens you up to more life.)

It is hard to imagine God allowing curses on us - His children. How could He? But I know there are times, as a parent, that you realize some lessons will not be fully received until the consequence of that choice is allowed to fully play out. There are times we, like our kids, need the full weight of our consequence for our choices to show us the effect a decision has on our life (and possibly has on the lives of those around us). As a mom, I would MUCH rather my kids take my advice and listen to my warnings but I know that they are human and must test the system. It is what we do. But no matter how much I want to guard them and keep them from experiencing sadness, disappointment or hurt... I know that certain experiences will often stick with them way longer than my warnings.

So, curses exist. It's sad but true. As the scripture says in Deuteronomy 30:19-20 "This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the LORD your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him." God chooses life for us.... God chooses blessings for us.... any other journey into the land of curses is often by our own doing. Consequences exist for our own good because if we did not have them every now and then, we may not fully appreciate the blessings.