I think I'm a partially lit tree!

(Can you see the bright light I see - mid-bottom, left?)

Our partially lit Christmas tree is standing before me. I've taken down the decorations and yet the tree remains standing with lights on. This year, maybe due to pregnancy or maybe due to the return of joy to me, I have delayed the taking down of the decorations. I don't want Christmas to end. "Just one more day, I'll take it all down in one more day." Here we are on the 9th of January and my decorations are finally down, but the tree remains.

So I sit here, looking at the Rubbermaid tubs waiting to be closed and put away, but all I can see is this single glaring light in my eyes. I never noticed it before, with all the decorations on the tree, but now it is all I can see. I realize my noticing this light is mostly due to the positioning of the single light bulb, but it is also due to my position. If I move - the light becomes hidden by a branch or the angle I see from seems more dim.

Another thing I notice is the tree is really partially lit. We have one, if not two strands of lights that have gone out. So I look at this tree and one light outshines the rest and other spots are dim. It makes me think of how we are supposed to be salt and light. Now that I've clearly noticed the brightly shining light on my tree - I can't help but see it above the rest. It is unavoidable to my eyes now.

One last thing I consider as I look at this tree, it will be down tomorrow, is the fact that it is partially lit. I know there are areas of my life where I believe I may shine for Him, but there are other areas where I know MUCH work is still needed. I look at this tree and see me. Maybe I have one hot spot of light that can't be ignored, while the rest of me is lit - just not outstanding. Yes there are areas that are not lit at all because I'm either resistant to growing in that area of my life or I'm clueless that there is no light there yet. It's still hidden from me.

It's interesting how this tree is bare and yet seems to reveal so much. Maybe that's how I am - so bare (feel so exposed and raw at times) and yet being authentic and genuine does not allow me to hide that. At times I feel there is nowhere to hide because of this unshakable authenticity; I can not even pretend the things I want to pretend. I am so obvious in my disapproval and in my pain and in my joy - it is not something I can control. At times I want to control it all so much, to be mysterious and private but no matter how much I want to hold back the truth - it comes pouring out in my face, body language or my words because it is a flood overtaking me. "I'm FREE!!!! I'm sad! I'm HAPPY!!!! I'm mad! I'm disappointed! I'm HOPEFUL!!!!!" Whatever IT is - it comes out. Not in a way that I take it out on others, but in a way where I want to keep that to myself but can't bare hiding.

I guess that's good and it can be bad too. Some don't appreciate that trait and are very uncomfortable with such raw emotion, but I'm learning to find where I'm embraced and received with gladness and let the rest go their way. No apologies because God made me me! No apologies because, if I am out of line or if I do need correcting, God is definitely gonna show me! I'm a work in progress and I'm LOVING the journey now versus trying to control and purpose things! I'm just me! Shining, dim, bright, totally off, or a beacon. Whatever I am, I am me! This 'tree' is partially lit - there are bright spots, spots that blend in and are not noticed, and a few shaded spots (where the lights are out). I'm not perfect and yet I can still shine in my flawed state. There are still areas where I'm light even when I do not realize it!

I think when we are least aware of our influence and our potential is when we make the biggest impact for Him! May I never know when and where my light shines for Him! May I be clueless to this fact so that I can remain useful for HIS plan. When we 'see' a plan and/or 'way' we can be used is when we have an agenda and a plan and are least flexible. It is when we are flying blind - when we don't see what is obvious to those around us that our light can't help but be a beacon to those in our lives.

Just like that lighthouse is a beacon on a foggy night to ships at sea. Once the lighthouse is lit - all ships in need of direction can't avoid seeing the light. That's what we should be like - we should start in prayer (turn the light on) and yield to THE One who matters and just be. Being is a way more impactful method than telling everyone how to be anyway. When we ARE light, we draw all men unto Him. Being means we know Him enough to reflect Him. Being means we are clueless about it. Being means a life that is at rest. Being is far more valuable than convincing. Being is trusting Him to be in control of the reigns and enjoying the journey. God let me BE whatever, whenever, however. I lay MY plan down!

Warfare and Beauty

The fight - the fight to hide out and keep myself from pain versus being fully and wholly me. It seems to be THE battle I've fought all my life, and continue to face from time to time. To hide is to keep a guard over pieces of me. To keep my heart bottled up in a dark hidden place where no one can hurt me and no one can evaluate me and no one can tear me to bits. Sounds good at the start but it never satisfies.

The more hidden my heart becomes the less of me I am free to be. I feel contrived and less authentic. I feel like I CAN'T be me during those times - like it isn't allowed or welcomed. As if to be me is a HUGE mistake for everyone to see.

I'm re-reading 'Captivating' by John and Stasi Eldredge with a few friends. This week we are reading about being romanced and about the beauty to unveil. That as women we ache to be romanced and we ARE beautiful.

The scripture shared was 1 Peter 3:3-4 "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit."

Not saying that we can't or shouldn't wear beautiful things nor is it saying we should all be gentle and quiet. God makes us all unique and different. The inner beauty rises up from a heart at rest. Striving to BE beautiful is often not beautiful at all. It is only when we are at rest with our selves and who GOD says we are and what HE sees in us is when our beauty flawlessly rises up.

An excerpt from the book "God, in his faithfulness, is changing me. But I remain an extrovert. In fact, instead of making me into someone else, he is make me more me. And that is one of the beautiful things about him. That the more his we become, the more ourselves we become; more our true selves. So it is a good thing that I misunderstood the Scripture. Peter doesn't mean that beautiful women rarely speak above a whisper, if they speak at all. No. To have a gentle and quiet spirit is to have a heart of faith, a heart that trusts in God, a spirit that has been quieted by his love and filled with his peace. Not a heart that is striving and restless."

I know for me, my romance with God has done just that! I feel the most at rest with myself than ever before. I still war out the knowing of that and the resting in that from time to time. Just put me in a situation where I feel unsure about my surroundings or myself and BAM - my restless self rises back up! My striving to hide or be enough self rises up.

The most precious thing of all is that having found this rest with God has led me to quickly see when I'm fighting the urge to be at rest in a situation. And rather than get lost in a cycle of hiding out, He is quick to shine His light of loving truth on the matter and bring me back to where He wants me to be. At rest in Him, not striving to be enough in the room. I'm thankful my striving has become a more rare choice for me these days but when it does rise up - I feel so disappointed in myself for losing my rest in Him. It is never worth losing for anyone or anyplace! My rest in Him is priceless it is painless. It is my Shalom! Why in the world would I leave my very own Shalom to hide myself?

I love feeling like myself! There is no joy in playing guard over my own heart. It is natural to do that from time to time but I do not want to live there ever again. I've been freed from that job years ago and I get so frustrated when I see I've fallen back into that trap again - leaning on myself instead of resting in Him. I have to look at the fact that I am quick to return to Him, I don't stay there long but it sure feels like I'm falling none the less. I'm victorious in this anyway because back in the day I would take 1 step forward in my walk with Him and about 50 backwards. Now, the steps seem more like 20 steps forward and 2 steps backward. Who can complain with those odds?! I know the only way I'm now taking 20 steps forward and so few backwards is ALL due to Him! Without His grace and strength and His love and His smiling over me and His kindness and His mercy.... I would be back at the 1 step forward and 50 backward marker. Lord, may I REMAIN IN rest IN YOU!

Show me how to trust You more readily - even when I feel the urge to rise up and guard myself. Help me quiet the urge to fight for myself and help me rest in trust that YOU have it covered. I can't fight for myself well anyway, I much rather when you do it but I still have pieces I find it my sole job to cover just in case a dagger makes it through your protective covering. It sounds foolish to even say that but that is what my actions scream out - my actions to guard those tiny spots are screaming 'GOD CAN'T HANDLE THIS SO I HAVE TO!' What a sad fact to see glaring in my face - I choose to trust You to guard me beautifully. I just don't know how to stop myself from rising up to defend because even though I'm not saying anything in those moments, my silence is a guard. It keeps me from facing the giants that make me want to hide. I want to hide and yet I want to trust! Help me trust! I hate hiding and feeling beaten down with no voice. I'm tired of the silent smack downs I feel thrown my way whether I sit in silence or I stand and smile. I don't know if I'm in line with Your plan or if I'm hiding. Am I hiding myself in this or are you covering me so well that I feel hidden by You and think it's me? I am shielded by You! I am guarded and safe! I am under your wings! I am under your wings! I am at rest! I trust.

(I feel the need to assure those who may be concerned, it is truly well with me - this post is just the result of glimpses God gives me of times I failed to lean fully on Him. This causes me to see what I let go of, even if for just a moment, and this grieves my heart. No major trials surround me now, just a knowing that at times - I fail to trust Him fully when I want to desperately. That's all this is - a moment of clarity that keeps me pressing toward the mark!)

God's Grace in Nineveh

Have you ever felt like the journey you were on was detoured towards Nineveh while you weren't looking?! Last night I had a few things on my mind and it hit me - this journey feels like I'm headed to Nineveh. When did that happen?

I am no Jonah, this is for sure, but I can totally relate to that "I don't want to go there feeling. Anywhere but there!" All the while seeing that this may just be where God has been bringing me all along, a full circle moment of sorts. {sigh} Steve and I have found God's favor comes when you least expect it. The favor of God is usually a joyful experience, until it is in Nineveh.

Knowing you have God's favor involves things being quite easy and a fast pace forward all of a sudden. There is peace and ease and a sense of awe that leaves you feeling "What just happened? Really? This is happening to us.... now?! Wow! This sort of thing never happens!" It is a sudden fast track that comes from a divine moment perfectly orchestrated by The One Who spoke the world into existence. I have recently found myself sad about God's favor because it isn't in the place I was hoping it would be. It is in the place He knows has more impact and more purpose than I can see.

Unlike Jonah, I find myself right in the middle of this Nineveh instead of the belly of the whale. But I realized last night that I am in the place physically but my heart is not fully engaged. This was when I began to cry saying 'Why here? Why this place? Why?' and with tears streaming the thought came rushing into my head 'It feels like Nineveh and I don't wanna go!' Clearly I'm there but I didn't want to fully engage - arms distance please.... no closer... nothing to see here - move along. But that's when it became evident that God's favor is surrounding this place and we must engage. We must and I must surrender my hopes/plans/expectations so that I can be someone He can fully mold into His image.

He LOVES the people of Nineveh, I have to press in and release my opinions and see what He sees. He sees what matters and I see a limited view of something that makes me sad. Nineveh received what God sent Jonah to share - they were eager to repent and seek His face. I have to trust that if God sends us to a seeming Nineveh to me; then He has a receptive audience waiting to receive what He sends us to share. God's favor is such a unique and beautiful thing but it can also be a hard thing to walk in. My plans are not His plans - seems like a reoccurring theme in the Bible and in my life. I've got to yield my plans daily so that His plans may fully be fulfilled and His purposes will be accomplished. His favor may be hard to walk in at times, but the reward is always sweet at the end. Even sweeter when you grow in the midst of your favor. He never promised it would be easy but His grace, to walk in the hard places, is always sufficient!

*** The Nineveh I share as 'my Nineveh' is not a corrupt awful place - it is just a place that is not appealing to me. I only came up with the Nineveh example as I feel God showed me how I resist wanting to plug in where He is nudging me to do so. It isn't referring to a bad thing just the fact that like Jonah - I want to go another way instead of the way God was showing me. It was just an example God used to show me my heart regarding this. Just in case someone may try to 'understand' what I may mean - it's just an analogy.

Knowing Who You Are

Lately, I've come to see the value of knowing our true identity, if you don't have a strong knowing of who you are then someone can convince you that you are who they say you are. This is an important thing to know in our daily walk of life. If we waiver in our identity then we are easily swayed with the events of the day. There is no stability in our lives when we are unclear as to who we are.

I have been pondering this thought for sometime now. "Who do I think I am, really?" versus "Who do people think I am?" versus "Who does God say that I am?" It is easy to see who we are with a few labels: I am Morning Song on my blog, I am Melodye in my every day life. Who is Melodye? Well, the obvious answers are "I am the oldest of 4 in my family, a Daughter and Granddaughter of faith filled parents/grandparents, wife of my husband, mother of my children, believer in The One True God, lover of Bible Studies, constant learner, teacher to my children (we home school), friend to many, etc., etc. The list could go on and on.

"Who do I think I am?" I have come to learn that my identity, as comes from my perspective, is surprisingly skewed. I am a perfectionist, when left to my own vices, and so my perspective of myself is often way off. I see a big mess, someone who just can't quite say it right, someone who could have said that/done that/known better. Ever-achieving for better.... the elusive pinnacle of perfect, and yet I know better! I am not perfect, I don't even see myself as perfect but I strive for that. I want to do whatever I do 'THE right way'. I don't want to be slothful or inefficient. I want to be a doer and to do things well.

"Who do they say think I am?" I have little idea of what my friends see when they see me. I hope they see a considerate and kind friend who cares for them. Someone they can lean on and depend on. Someone who loves them and cares for them and wants the best for them. But, no matter what, my mistakes in relationships often overshadow the good reports in my mind (no matter how few and far between they are). This could be the same answer for my family members too.

I hope my kids see a Mom who loves them dearly and a Mom who guards their hearts and teaches them the ways of the Lord. But I often feel failed in this task too because I often mess up and feel like a dog for the bad days, when my temper leads me instead of my prayer life. I hope my husband sees a loving wife who is there for him when he needs me, the wife he needs me to be, the true help that God has called me to be and not off on my own agenda neglecting my role. The truth is, I mess that up too. I look at the things that don't matter at times and neglect what does.

So who am I? Which answer is right? My 'hope to' answer or the perspective of the many 'they's' in my life? Neither! I've come to see how important it is to see and know who I am in Christ. Because 'in Melodye' I am a mess; but 'in Christ' I am victorious. In Christ I am the apple of His eye, in Christ I am a delight to Him, in Christ I am strong, in Christ I am cherished and valued, in Christ I am a conqueror, in Christ I am given supernatural favor. But the key is to stay IN CHRIST! That takes diligence and purposed seeking of Him. In my own strength I am weak, in my own strength I am tired. In Him I am strong, in Him I am renewed when I feel weak.

When I don't know who I am - I am easy to influence by the opinion of another. The only opinion that matters is HIS. If He sees me as beautiful.... I'm beautiful. If He sees me as well pleasing to Him.... then I'm well pleasing, even when another might find my acts to be less than pleasing. If He sees me as strong...... then I am strong, no matter how scared and weak I feel. If He sees me as able.... then no matter how much I feel this is beyond me, I am able. The key is hearing and seeing HIS report of who I am.

Lately there has been a question of sorts that has been a torment to me. "What church do you go to?" This has been a source of pain to me because I know what it feels like to be where I'm supposed to be and thus far, we haven't found that fit in our church hunt. It is so discouraging and I find myself being so embarrassed when someone asks me that simple question. I feel like a failure for not finding the right place yet, I feel like a church hopper and I feel like I'm committed to nothing. I feel like I'm failing my kids. It actually makes me feel a slight twinge of ickiness every time the question surfaces.

Why? Why in the world would I have such a strong feeling towards such a simple question? What is behind this? Why does that matter so much and why in the world is our place so hard to find? I think it matters so much to me because I was raised in church. I have been a faithful attender since in the womb, with a brief break during those crazy college days. To now not 'belong' anywhere is so foreign to me, it feels wrong.

I guess it would be about 10 years ago we began attending a church that brought the whole church thing up a level for me. After attending this church I had a new fire lit within and a feeling of greater purpose was born. I felt the most alive I've ever felt. I was offered a position on staff, I gladly accepted, was going about life with no regrets and BAM..... God moved us. He moved us far away from the comforts we so easily rested in. The time after the move brought the most growth in my life, personally, that I've ever known but the church factor has been another story.

It was last weekend that I began wondering if God was not allowing me to find that fit because of this unique journey I've found myself on since the move. But why would God do that? We are supposed to be connected to the Body. I am very connected to various groups of believers but there is not a single church body that we are involved in as a family. The question hit me, this week,..... 'What if this discontent is a part of God's plan for us - for this season of our walk?' What if HE orchestrated this seeming mess to me? What if He has a greater purpose in this discontent than I can comprehend right now? What if? But why? He wants us plugged in - I KNOW that is true!

Then this weekend some friends nudged me to listen to a conference that was available online and I did. The messages were fabulous and I felt refreshed after every segment! It wasn't until the last segment that I wondered if I found my answer. If you know the story of Gideon, from Judges 7:1-7, Gideon had an army ready for battle and God said 'there are too many with you' and God stripped their army down to a small 300. The 300 went to battle because God wanted to strip Gideon of his confidence. Gideon had confidence in the ability of the many to go to war but who would have confidence in 300? That is foolish. God wanted Gideon's confidence to be IN GOD alone. So sometimes God strips us of our areas of confidence so that when He sends you into your destiny - the job is way too big for you and you are forced to lean on Him. He wants all of our confidence in Him, not in our abilities, skills or training. To take away the things we think we need reinforces our eyes to look only to Him.

Is this what God is doing in me with the church thing? That would seem foolish but... I did have much identity in my church. I was proud to be an XYZ Church attender. I had great leaders empowering me and equipping me. I leaned fully on them and looked to them for guidance. God wanted that to be how I looked at Him. God wants me to look to Him alone, not a church, or a body of believers, or a friend to be my place of trust. He wants to be my all in all!

I may be WAY off with my assessment, because I know the value of gathering together, but I just can't shake the possibility that He may be up to something in this area with me. I believe it is for a specific season but... I can't get past the feeling that this is OK for now... that is until someone asks "where do you go to church?" I want to answer the question with "I live in church! Church is my life - I'm ever at church and gleaning from Him. I don't GO to church... I'm living the church." But that sounds haughty and may offend. But that is how I feel inside. I know the value of a church family - I desperately miss it! But I know He may have a better plan that feels like loss to me and is really a gain. My job is to get through the steps He has for me to conquer now so I can get to the other side. (And I can tell you that I'm gonna wonder if someone will take the "I live church" quotes wrong and I pray no one will - but the side of me that aches to think that I may possibly offend ANYONE... friend or stranger - will toss and turn over this for a few days but... it is a part of this journey I'm on. I need to stand in my confidence IN Him and let Him work on the things that are misunderstood. Not trying to be haughty - just trying to figure this thing out.)

I need to not worry about who others may think I am during this uncomfortable season, I need to stop bashing myself for not finding that fit, I need to rest in Him and trust that He once led me to where we fit perfectly before and He will do it again... when the time is right. It is so hard to feel like something so important to me is the very area that remains in limbo. I know His ways are higher than mine. I know His plans are always way better than mine. Resting in the discomfort is hard. I find it easy to endure for a short time and then I feel a wave of panic wash over me - but then I regroup and find my place of rest, in Him, again. It is a roller coaster ride, and although I love roller coasters, I feel like this real life version is not stopping when I want it to stop. It's like the guy at the control switch just keeps it going and going and going and I'm yelling 'LET me OFF THIS THING!' But I would rather stay on until He knows I'm ready to stand tall in where He is leading me. So I regroup and rest.... again. He has the end in sight, He has the map, I must trust in Him. Reject all feelings and all doubt and trust Him because He is always good.

Walking Through Pain

When we restrict our hearts from God, we injure ourselves. We basically say 'God, I can't trust You, or anyone, with that part of my heart. So I will guard that place in my heart. No thanks, I don't need Your help. I'll take it from here.' But how can we truly guard our heart effectively? The only thing we can do is build up a wall around that injured area. Sadly there is no ointment of truth being applied and no surgery by the Master Physician in that area, so that area remains toxic - but toxic behind the isolated, self-made wall.

What happens next is that we either let NO ONE in that piece of our hearts or.... after much testing of someone - we find someone we are willing to open up to in that area. Since that area has never been tended to and is not healed - it is a matter of time before that someone will bump us in that spot and we don't just respond with "That hurt me, don't do that." But rather it is another time someone has hurt us there so we try to build an even more sturdy wall around that wound than before. It will now be a LONG time before we trust someone with that piece of us ever again!

We then become so walled up in that area that no one is allowed in that dark recess of our heart. That wound is nurtured, but not towards healing, it is nurtured with vows of 'I'll never.' "I'll never trust anyone again. I'll never open up in that area again. I'll never.... I'll never..... I'll never!" We are not bringing healing to our hearts but reinforcing a wall of lies. The lie is that we think we are able to properly care for ourselves in that area. To some that area could be unthinkable abuse, to others it could be neglect... whatever the cause of that wound - the wound has now not been cared for behind the wall self built, but it has been given toxic ointment that has now made this original pain (no matter how large or small it was in the beginning) become infected with additional issues.

We now have reinforced our pain with more pain in that area. All along God wanted us to trust Him with that spot of pain - He made us to ache for Him. So that idea of what a 'true' such and such would be like is that part of our hearts that KNOWS we were made for someone to honor us and cherish us. That someone is HIM. He made us with an ache within that can only be filled by Him and the exciting thing about that is.... there is a piece of His heart that aches for us. There is a spot in God's heart that is all mine and if I reject Him, He cannot fill that spot without me. It's not like He can fill the Melodye spot of His heart with Samantha. It's MY spot! That's the same with our hearts. There is a God spot that cries out for the true expression of love, the true value of who we are, the true loving tender care we long for.

But when we begin looking for that spot to be filled by our family or friends or children... we become more empty because our family/friends AND children combined can never fill the God spot within us. So when we reinforce the 'I don't need a God who would let x-thing happen to me.' we are now toxic in our place of injury by another AND we have a heart ache that can NEVER be filled until we say yes to God. So there we are, walled in our wall of protection, not letting anyone in and not letting God tend to our aching heart. The heart that was made for love now has a wall in the middle of it. This wall surrounds a gaping, aching, toxic, neglected wound that longs to be healed AND a spot that God wants to mend for us.

It is only when we willingly trust Him to see our pain and we willingly trust Him to apply ointment and we willingly allow Him to bandage us up.... that is when healing begins. The tender, aching, throbbing wound still hurts to the touch. It hurts to the simple glance towards it even. But as truth is applied to that spot daily, the heart begins to mend little by little. And before you know it, you have a healed wound. When we look to God to fill our aches and we seek Him to heal our wounds - we are seeking a life of truth. We are able to receive the love He has for us and that ache is gone.

Now, when someone comes along and hurts us there again, we are whole. They don't pierce our hearts with their harshness or with their neglect. We feel the sadness from the injury but it doesn't pierce our heart. No wound is formed. This requires us keeping a constant eye on Him, constantly stopping to re-group when we feel like 'was that real? Did they mean that for me?'. He remains ever near to say "No my precious one. That was a result of their walled up heart. They neglected or abused you because of their pain, it wasn't about you. Rest in me." We can then take a deep breath and let that incident pass, if it is the type of pain that we question repeatedly... He is ever near to talk us through it as many times as it takes to get us through. We are never too much for Him, He is willing to listen to our hearts cry as long as it takes! But the joy of it all is... that on the other side of an injury that we take to Him immediately - we walk out stronger and without any sign of pain.

We walk out with our heads up and with a whole heart that remained in tact, although there were moments of sadness, the heart was never pierced. Rather than the incident piercing us, and changing us, it pierced Him and He carries us through without a side effect to follow. All that remains is the confidence built in His ability to carry us through a hard time. All that remains is a faith that has grown stronger, all that remains is a precious Father's love covering us and keeping us whole. Had we jumped away from His covering and followed our instinct to self-protect we would have taken much time to heal and be willing to show Him our pain (not to mention we would have likely hurt the other person in the process). But instead we went His way - we sought Him with every.single doubt and we were refreshed immediately with truth. It washed over us and removed any residue that may have sat upon our hearts and produced anger or hurt. A whole heart in the battle. What a miracle!

This is possible. How audacious of me to consider such a thought!?! I can tell you that earlier in my life - I've been the one to take my pain and be the protector of my own heart. What a tiring job - what a lonely job - what a sad job I did of guarding myself. I've also walked through a trying time with Him and followed His way and as a result I walked out of that pain with joy unspeakable and a peace that I still cannot understand. I am still amazed at how beautifully He guarded me and protected me. I was whole throughout the entire process. Not that I never cried or felt pain but the pain was quickly washed away, with my tears being poured out to Him. As soon as I felt the heaviness of it all, the weight was gone, He lifted my burden. I didn't marinate in it and let it seep into my heart, which produces a heavy heart.

I've walked through pain both ways and I can tell you, from experience that in the self-built walls... I lived a cursed life. A toiling and striving that was never productive. It was fruitless yet the most tiring experience ever. Walking under the shadow of His wings, while hurting, was a blessing. It produced life and it showed me how I only need Him to fill me. Any extras (good family and good friends) are a blessing but I only really need Him. He is enough and He is good to me and He cares for my heart beautifully. Much better than I could myself. What a blessing pain can be when it is kept in the very hand of God. Pain hurts no matter what but the sting and toxins cannot pierce His hands!

Choose Life.... Choose Blessings

Thinking about the curses side of the table, it does seem harsh for a curse to be passed down through generations at all. When I think of it that way it is a bit sad but I see the scripture states the curse in Exodus 20: 4-6 refers to those who hate God. It isn't like they are unsure of what they think of God but they hate God. They hate what He stands for and they hate His ways no matter what. Hate is defined as to dislike intensely or passionately. Synonyms for hate are loathe, despise, or detest. There are many more but this isn't a simple "I don't understand you God therefore I say no to you." This is an active agenda of hate.

I think that is the kind of hate that exists in an extreme few. Maybe I'm naive but I think the number of people who hate God with that kind of venom and agenda are few. I think the average person who says no to God may not hate Him, they may just not understand Him. I think God is not so harsh with those who simply cannot come to a decision, although consequences occur for not choosing. You must choose God or you will not be saved. It does require a decision. But to those who actively pursue hatred towards Him, to those there is a generational curse that is involved.

I think of the racists out there as an example to use. For those involved in extreme hate groups against one race or another - they often pass their agenda of hate onto their children. They are not passive in their desire to influence their children in their opinion. They are active and it is clear that if a child is raised in that naive single view of the world - they too will manifest that same racism. If they somehow have other influences in their lives that have enough influence to counter that agenda of hate... that child may form his own opinion and not adopt the hate of their father. It may take a few generations for the truth to pierce into a family. Just look at how long this nation took for a generation to look past color and to the individual. It is still a battle that some fight - they are seen as a race first in some peoples eyes versus being seen as a person who matters. Over 40 years to begin seeing a glimpse of hope in that area. Racism is an example that makes it so it is easy to see how a generation can be influenced to adopt a toxic view of the world.

I think those extreme examples, although that is not the only way people show hate towards God, show how some are never willing - there entire life - to see beyond their small view of truth. That extreme person will never say yes to God and will never let go of their agenda, unless God performs a miracle in their life. That is totally possible but considering a generational curse made me wonder what it would take for God to decide to allow that curse to remain for more than a single generation and I see now how a family can choose to reject truth as long as they choose to. God's choice would be that they see Him in truth and receive Him. But they do have a choice to reject Him - God doesn't force Himself on us. He wants us to choose Him. God prefers to bless but we actually choose the curse when we reject Him.

(Just wanted to note that I know Job didn't sin and had hardship/trials that were not warranted and were a test of his faith. There are times that hardships are purposed beyond us and come into our lives as a way to glorify God. Not saying that never happens but I am strictly speaking to the incidents where we do bring a curse upon ourselves by rejecting God's truth in specific areas. "Idols on our heart block worship, idols are there because we believe lies." Idol worship of any kind brings a curse upon our lives, no matter how small it may seem. A curse produces death in your life - it limits you. A blessings produces life in your life - it opens you up to more life.)

It is hard to imagine God allowing curses on us - His children. How could He? But I know there are times, as a parent, that you realize some lessons will not be fully received until the consequence of that choice is allowed to fully play out. There are times we, like our kids, need the full weight of our consequence for our choices to show us the effect a decision has on our life (and possibly has on the lives of those around us). As a mom, I would MUCH rather my kids take my advice and listen to my warnings but I know that they are human and must test the system. It is what we do. But no matter how much I want to guard them and keep them from experiencing sadness, disappointment or hurt... I know that certain experiences will often stick with them way longer than my warnings.

So, curses exist. It's sad but true. As the scripture says in Deuteronomy 30:19-20 "This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the LORD your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him." God chooses life for us.... God chooses blessings for us.... any other journey into the land of curses is often by our own doing. Consequences exist for our own good because if we did not have them every now and then, we may not fully appreciate the blessings.

More on Blessings and Curses

I am amazed that I would have anything else to say on the Blessing and Curses matter but I woke up with this thought 'How amazing of God to limit the curse on us but offer a limitless blessing!' I mean, if someone HATES God - deliberately worships another god - that curse upon that family for rejecting God is over within 3 or 4 generations. Meaning by the 3rd or 4th generation - God allows the eyes of that generation to be open to Him.

How cool is that!?! So, if my grandparent's parents rejected God and chose an idol as their god alone and if they HATED God.... then by the time I came along the curse would be removed and I would have eyes to see and ears to hear. The only thing left would be for my heart to seek after God and choose to trust God and ask for His forgiveness and for me to receive Christ as my Savior. In my situation, there are still two living generations before me and so it is quite possible for them to see my choice and it is quite possible for them to choose to turn to God as well. There is an end to the curse.

But the blessing..... OH! WOW! The blessings are unending! The choice to worship God and to seek Him brings blessing for 1000 generations. That is immeasurable! That is beyond what I could imagine! That is beyond the realm of my influence! That is a merciful and compassionate God!

I know I related the scripture of Exodus 20: 4-6 with 'seeing and hearing' and that is not a direct interpretation of that scripture but I do see how living under the umbrella of a distorted truth versus living under the umbrella of THE Truth is a form of a curse in our lives. Distorted truth limits us, distorted truth binds us up in areas of our lives, distorted truths keep us from full freedom in Christ. The umbrella of Christ, THE Truth, provides real freedom in all areas of our lives.

A mindset can be a curse of sorts because it blocks us from seeing who God really is. It blinds us to understanding the heart of God. We all have mindsets that block us from seeing God truly. I know I've seen a few distorted truths shown under The Light of Truth recently, via prayer, and the great thing is once you see The Truth in the matter at hand - all it takes is for you to repent for believing the lie (distorted truth), renounce agreement with that lie, acknowledge the truth and accept The Truth and you are now free to live under The Truth umbrella in that area. No more leaning on a lie as your foundation. It's that simple. Then you must live your life by The Truth and stop your mind from wandering in the circles of thinking the old way, you must set your mind on your new found freedom.

I am sure I'm not finished seeing lies exposed in my own life. I'm not done revealing distorted truths, because they are often these little twists on The Truth and until God reveals them to you and until you have eyes to see and ears to hear.... you just may not be willing to accept your 'facts' are lies. God is so kind and generous to allow us to take one truth at a time, so that our lives become more stabilized on HIM versus giving it all to us at once and leaving us with our heads spinning. We can become free and strong in one area, live it out - time to adjust our living to Truth before revealing the next lie we are bound up in. Can you imagine if He exposed it all to us at once - how overwhelming to try to correct ALL our distorted truths at once.

Removing lies and building on His Truth in our lives IS the Christian walk. We don't just accept Christ as our Savior, repent of our sinful ways and go on. We must ask Him daily, seek Him daily to open our eyes to see anew and offer our ears to hear His voice. It takes a willing heart to walk it out. We can walk out our faith without seeking for more, but that is not living a victorious life. That's living a forgiven life - and believe me, it is not nearly as fun. I've been at the place where I wasn't seeking Truth daily or wanting to hear fresh from Him each day. I was still saved, still a Christian, but the fun of my Christian walk came when I sought Him daily - I desired to see Him and hear from Him daily. He became a daily part of my day, I still have room to grow in this, and I began to ask Him..... 'What do YOU want me to see in this situation?' I quit accessing the situation based on what my limited, human eyes could see and began asking for a glimpse of the picture from His side of the story. That has been a far more successful walk, less moments where I over step the situation and blurt out something I cannot take back. Seeking Him daily includes Him in the day and gives me a chance to choose life over and over and over and over. That's harder to do when I'm just walking out my forgiven life. How far do you want to go in your walk with Him? It is only limited by the limits we put on God, He doesn't keep us at arms length... we do that to Him. It is WAY more fun to keep Him in the daily moments of each day - He really makes life more fun than you could ever imagine. There's always more!

Blessings and Curses

Tonight I was enjoying an unexpected discussion regarding blessings and curses and was challenged to look more into the topic. I recalled a scripture mentioning that the curses were limited to the 3rd or 4th generation but the blessings went much farther. I wanted to say for 1000 generations but that sounded like such a LONG time and I wasn't sure. The conversation led to seeking the scripture out for ourselves to glean more. (All scripture is from the Amplified translation.)

When I arrived home I opened my Bible and began the search. I found many scriptures discussing blessings and curses and finally landed on the one I was thinking of. Exodus 20:4-6 "You shall not make yourself any graven image {to worship it} or any likeness of anything that is in the heavens above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; You shall not bow down yourself to them or serve them; for I the Lord your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children to the third and fourth generation of those who hate Me, But showing mercy and steadfast love to a thousand generations of those who love Me and keep My commandments."

Then I read this note: 'Idols on our heart block worship; idols are there because we believe in lies.' So, anything we believe and live by that is opposed to God's truth is an idol. Any idol we bow down to (ie buy into the lie) produces a curse in our lives. Interesting, I love aha moments! As I was reading and flipping through my Bible I saw the following scriptures jump out at me:

John 8:32 "And you will know the Truth, and the Truth will set you free."
John 8: 36 "So if the Son liberates you, then you are really and unquestionably free."
John 8:43 "Why do you misunderstand what I say? It is because you are unable to hear what I am saying. {You cannot bear to listen to My message; your ears are shut to My teaching.}
John 8:47 "Whoever is of God listens to God. {Those who belong to God hear the words of God.} This is the reason you do not listen {to those words, to Me}: because you do not belong to God and are not of God or in harmony with Him."

So, if we choose to look at, or base our perspective off of, something that is opposed to God's word then we are buying into a lie. The lie produces an idol that blocks us from receiving further truth. But if we welcome His Truth then the Truth will set us free and we are free without doubt! We must choose to seek THE Truth and not be found looking for our truth to be confirmed. If we desire to see Him and what He sees, then we will accept His truth with open arms. His truth can only produce life in our lives. But we do have the choice to truly hear The Truth or reject it.

Here is an example of rejecting the truth before their eyes: In these scriptures, the Pharisees did not see Jesus for who He Was but as a sinner. Jesus had just healed the blind man and they were questioning "who is this fellow?". Can't you just hear the tone in that question?!

John 9: 29-30 "We know for certain that God spoke with Moses, but as for this Fellow, we know nothing about where He hails from. The man replied, Well, this is astonishing! Here a Man has opened my eyes and yet you do not know where He comes from."

John 9:39 "Then Jesus said, I came into this world for judgment {as a Separator, in order that there may be separation between those who believe on Me and those who reject Me}, to make the sightless see and to make those who see become blind."

John 9:41 "Jesus said to them, If you were blind, you would have no sin; but because you now claim to have sight, your sin remains. {If you were blind, you would not be guilty of sin; but because you insist, We do see clearly, you are unable to escape your guilt.}"

John 10:10 "The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows).

So the blind man didn't sin, he was blind. Being blind is not a sin. The Pharisees thought they knew it all and were convinced that they knew the real truth and they were looking to judge and condemn Christ because He didn't fit into their perfect little box. Their confidence in their own sight was their sin, they were not open to The Truth that stood before them. They boldly and confidently rejected what was obvious - the Truth! Satan comes to kill, steal and destroy - to rob us of any and all Truth. The more distorted truth we base our lives off of is a distraction from THE Truth. To live by a distorted truth is to make an idol - to say "I can depend on me - no one else" is a distorted truth and THE Truth is "Blessed is the man who trusts in You {leaning and believing on you, committing all and confidently looking to You, and that without fear or misgiving}!" Psalm 84:12

John 10:24 - 30 "So the Jews surrounded Him and began asking Him, How long are You going to keep us in doubt and suspense? If You are really the Christ (the Messiah), tell us so plainly and openly. Jesus answered them, I have told you so, yet you do not believe Me {you do not trust Me and rely on Me}. The very works that I do by the power of My Father and in My Father's name bear witness concerning Me {they are My credentials and evidence in support of Me}. But you do not believe and trust and rely on Me because you do not belong to My fold {you are not sheep of Mine}. The sheep that are My own hear and are listening to My voice; and I know them, and they follow Me. And I give them eternal life, and they shall never lose it or perish throughout the ages. {To all eternity they shall never by any means be destroyed.} And no one is able to snatch them out of My hand. My Father, Who has given them to Me, is greater and mightier than all {else}; and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father's hand. I and the Father are One."

Having a preconceived idea of how things will be or should be does alter our ability to truly trust and see what God wants us to see. The Jews expected Christ to be more royal and grand - this ordinary Christ was not what they were looking for, and that is why many missed Him. They had a picture of Him before He came. He didn't fit their plan for Christ and so they were blinded to Him when He was performing the miraculous all around them. A curse can be as simple as not having eyes to see Him and ears to hear Him. The good news is that all that is required to break this curse is to see Him as He IS in your situation and accept Him. Then you are under the umbrella of 1000 generations (not years) of blessings. How? You open the door of hearing and seeing to your household in every area that you choose to see Him in. You must be open to Him and ask to see Him, He wants You to seek Him and you will find Him. He loves you and wants you to love Him. If you ask Him to show you what He wants you to see in the situation at hand, He will show you and you will find the Truth has set you free! Free Indeed!

His Grace IS Sufficient!!

The puzzle pieces of my life are coming together lately. Many 'aha' moments. This morning I read the following in an email: "My grace is sufficient for the demands of today. Take one moment at a time and one step at a time and trust Me with all of your heart. Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."

As I read this email and the scripture it jumped out at me again. "God's sufficiency in the midst of insufficiency." If you've read my last two posts you will easily notice what I saw. I will explain the connection but first I must add another detail to this whole story.

There was a time in my life where I felt I had done things as I should. I was that girl. The one who obeyed all the rules and didn't notice how much of a gift that was to myself. I had my eyes focused on other things as an indicator for a successful life. I saw the fun my friends had, I saw how they lacked the guilt meter within their head that kept me from the 'fun' I saw them readily enjoying. I wanted to be brave enough to live it up too. I wanted to stop feeling like life was passing me by while I sat on the side lines watching all the fun. I didn't see how this gift of keeping myself from these sort of pleasures was truly a gift to myself. Shoulda, coulda, woulda told that girl to keep on keepin' on but... my eyes were off course and I followed the fun.

While on my trip down 'fun' lane, God began chasing me down. What happened was every.single.time I turned on the TV or radio or anything really - there would be a Pastor on TV preaching on the scripture passage of Matthew 6:33-34. It wasn't like every channel had it on but it would not fail that if I couldn't find something to watch on TV, my channel flipping would find a Pastor reading that scripture at the moment I 'tuned in'. It took several instances of this before I began to stop and listen, out of curiosity that EVERY Pastor was preaching on this scripture. The thing is I knew God all my life and I KNEW that this wasn't a coincidence. I finally began listening when I was channel flipping.

After some time I went home to visit my parents and I agreed to attend a church service with them. I grew up going to church but went my own way for about 3 years before this chase surfaced. I had a friend from high school call me and tell me of nightmares she was having about me and many other weird things. So, I go to church with my parents and on my way to church (I drove separate b/c they were in choir and Sunday School so I went alone) my tire went flat. I drove on my rim for too long because I knew I had no one to call to help me. All my connections were in my new community and I lost all contact back home. So I drove as far as I felt I could and then walked to church. I had this overwhelming fear come over me and I began to have anxiety as I almost ran to church. My Mom saw me walk in the door from the choir loft - she saw the panic on my face and came to see if I was OK.

Would you believe..... the Pastor got on stage and he said "Would you open your Bible's to Matthew 6:33-36?". O.M.G.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I knew God was at the point of this 'chase' after me that things were about to change. I was about to get back on the road I lived all my life. The three year sabbatical was over - time to get back on THE right track again. I relented and I said yes to Christ again and life began changing little by little.

Here I am today, reading a simple email, with the understanding of my latest adventure in life WITH God and finding His message to me has been the same all along. "MY grace is sufficient for thee!" "MY grace is enough!" "I AM enough!"

It's no coincidence on this day that my 222 moment and my return to the Lord moment have the same message. Everything around me is insufficient - to some degree - but HE is NEVER insufficient. It is only when I take my eyes off of Him and put them on the issue at hand that I minimize His abilities. Just like Peter, when my eyes are in full focus on Him - I'm well cared for. When I let my eyes wonder to the luxuries of life or the cares of this world - then I'm sinking before I know it. Gotta keep my eyes on Him. Gotta KNOW that He IS enough! He is sufficient and if I keep that at the center of my life then I will not ride the roller coaster of emotions; I will remain steady in the palm of His hand while chaos surrounds me. Now THAT is the kind of security I want!

Oh How He Whispers!

Last summer I reunited with some friends and they mentioned a retreat they were going to attend. I knew the ministry leader was great and I was so hungry for a God moment. I know God had been ministering to me 1 on 1 and that was EXCITING!!!! The only thing was I had a taste of the deepness of God, while under this ministry leader before, and I had not found anything like it since. To say I was excited and thrilled about this retreat was a slight understatement.

The plans were set - things were in order - I was looking forward to our time together and then... Hurricane Gustav hit. This meant that if there was severe damage to the area where we were staying the retreat was cancelled. Gustav arrived on September 1, 2008 and our retreat was on September 4, 2008, we found out that our retreat location was not affected but everyone attending the retreat was affected. They were without power, fuel and the after affects seemed to be on going for sometime. The retreat wasn't cancelled because the facilities would not allow us to postpone or refund money so... the show must go on.

We arrived and boy was it a great time of refreshing and much teaching that was truly life changing. Thankfully my husband saw the personal benefit this time was for me and when they announced their retreat in May 2009, I was able to go. Then I just returned from our retreat that was September 10, 2009. Each retreat has been life-changing for me and I am so glad to have reconnected to this source of ministry again.

I said all of that to say, every retreat there has been a unique thing that has happened on my ride home. I ALWAYS see an abundance of yellow butterflies. How crazy is that?! I know they are around before and after retreat but for whatever reason - they are everywhere I look as I drive home. I thought it unique and yet wondered if there could be more to this 'coincidence'. I believe that God is always trying to speak to us - He uses His creation as He likes to accomplish that. Whether it be a recurring number (222 for me - see last post) or a yellow butterfly.

Needless to say, I began searching for meaning behind yellow butterflies. I found that yellow represents Gift. "A gift (with feeling); gift from or of God; marriage; family; honor. Welcome home (as in "a yellow ribbon") The scripture reference for yellow:

Though ye have lain among the pots, yet shall ye be as the wings of a dove [spiritual] covered with silver [knowledge], and her feather with yellow gold [spirit of wisdom and the glory of God] Psalm 68:13

Butterfly represents freedom. "Flighty (flitting about); fragile" There were scripture references to transformation which often refers to butterflies.

And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind... Romans 12:2

So can I deduce that the wisdom gleaned at retreat is a fragile gift of God that produces freedom as I bring these truths home? I don't see why it can't represent that or it could just be about walking in the freedom attained during that time away. Either way - I'm taking it! He may even have a more personal reason than that, one I've yet to discover but that's what I love most about my God. He is ever revealing a new glimpse of truth of Himself to me. He keeps me on this adventure of my life - this chase of sorts. He chases me down with His goodness, I'm often too busy to recognize His gentle whispers toward me. If nothing else I am encouraged to see that I'm now awake to Him. I see a pattern, and yes it may take 3 times before I put things together, and I look for what He may want me to see in that silly or truly heavy situation.

He does the same when I am weary and fighting a battle too. Just yesterday I was wavering in an issue I've had to take a stand in lately. I had the urge to respond opposite how He has been leading me to respond. I was battling this thought - the just get it over with and move on feeling - when I decided to talk with a friend. I so want it to be over! It was clear to me that my friend confirmed what I already knew - it isn't time to move on. I hated that this meant this battle is not over yet. But OH how my want to was distracting me with the desire for the ease of getting this over with.

I picked up my Beth Moore Esther study and read "Sometimes God is more aware than we of just how much He requires of us. He knows how hard it's going to be for us." and then I read (in reference to Mordecai standing at the king's gate) "Mordecai's unwillingness to bow in 5:9 recalls his refusal in 3:2, but with one huge difference. This time Mordecai not only refused to bow but even to stand. Any time He calls us to die, His purpose is to reveal larger life." OK, I thought, I get it. I know when I studied chapter 3 of Esther God revealed a call 'to stand' to me. Then here I am wavering with standing, by wanting to remove this issue and move on, to only be reminded again the significance of standing when no one knows why in the world you dare to stand.

Fast forward to later that day when a fellow blogger stopped in for a visit and said hello. She shared that she felt the urge to come 'see me' after reading a comment I shared on another blog. She read it yesterday but I wrote it almost a month ago. I went back to that comment - out of curiosity and wouldn't you know it. I was sharing my revelation of needing to stand with this friend and by no strange coincidence - I reminded myself of the depth of truth God showed me back when I first posted that comment. Then I went to that person's blog to say thank you and her post was on 'Time to Take a Stand'. See.. even when things seem painful God uses multiple ways to get to us. To nudge us, to encourage us, to talk to us, to love us! He is our pursuer!! I think we miss his pursuits more than we notice!

My heart cry today is "I have eyes to see, I have ears to hear, I have a heart to know you God. Please heighten my seeing, my hearing and my knowing! I don't want to miss another whisper from You!"

Rend Your Heart

"Even now," declares the Lord,
"return to me with all your heart,
with fasting and weeping and mourning."

Rend your heart
and not your garments.
Return to the Lord your God,
for he is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and abounding in love,
and he relents from sending calamity.

Who knows? He may turn and have pity
and leave behind a blessing --
grain offerings and drink offerings
for the Lord your God.

Blow the trumpet in Zion,
declare a holy fast,
call a sacred assembly.
Gather the people,
consecrate the assembly;
bring together the elders,
gather the children,
those nursing at the breast.
Let the bridegroom leave his room
and the bride her chamber.

Let the priests, who minister before the Lord,
weep between the temple porch and the altar.
Let them say, "Spare your people, O Lord.
Do not make your inheritance an object of scorn,
a byword among the nations.
Why should they say among the peoples,
'Where is there God?' "
Joel 2: 12-17
****************************************

When Esther's words were reported to Mordecai,
he sent back this answer: "Do not think that because
you are in the king's house you alone of all the Jews
will escape. For if you remain silent at this time,
relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from
another place, but you and your father's family
will perish. And WHO KNOWS but that you have
come to royal position for such a time as this?"

Then Esther sent this replay to Mordecai: "Go,
gather together all the Jews who are in Susa, and
fast for me. Do not eat or drink for three days,
night or day. I and my maids will fast as you do.
When this is done, I will go to the king, even though
it is against the law. And if I perish, I perish."

So Mordecai went away and carried out all of
Esthers' instructions.
Esther 4:12-17
*************************************

"Beloved, in the times of greatest struggle when you
make the Godward decision over convenience, earthly
comfort, or carnal pleasure, you too have come to a
critical moment in the fulfillment of your destiny. A
defining moment. A war is being waged over your head
in the unseen realm, and a great cloud of witnesses is
cheering you on. You have no idea what's at stake."
Beth Moore ~ Esther Study

A Time to.....

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

What time are you in?

The Race

Last night I awoke a few times - nothing earth shattering but in that twinkling of consciousness I had this visual of a baby learning to walk. Often times the momentum of walking alone will cause the baby to run unexpectedly and usually they will fall flat on their tummy/hands. They are forward falling because of their posture of arms outstretched and leaning towards where they are going. Later on, of course, they learn to balance better and are less likely to tumble forward but now land on that cushy diaper beneath them.

The second visual was of an experienced runner. One who knows how to time themselves and to properly run the race to endure. They press past their pain and do not give up easily. They know how to pace themselves and therefore they will finish - not necessarily the first to finish the race but they will finish. They have sacrificed much to train for this moment.

The third visual was of someone with great zeal - running as fast as they could so they could make quick progress to only see that very early on they were out of breath, may need to stop to rest in order to continue, may not finish at all because of the cramping and severe stress they've put on their body.

I think we all have found ourselves in each scenario listed above. Remove the 'runner' example and replace that with your job, parenting, your walk with God or anything. It all can fit. At first we are all in - leaning forward towards the mark ahead. No turning back because our eyes are fixed on where we want to go. The second example is one of an old pro. The third is one who is familiar with the skill at hand but really doesn't know as much as they think they know about the skill.

Looking back on life in general I can see many years I lived life in the 3rd scenario. Whether it be about God or my job or raising kids or... or... or. I found that way of life to be filled with MY effort to strive and work to 'make' things happen. It was an exhausting experience with little to show for all the work.

Recently some of that striving has vanished. I don't know what the final lesson was but the inner dialogue and struggle has ended. That doesn't mean I do not progress or learn or grow - it just means I am finding more rest in the journey because I am not running in an overzealous fashion anymore but taking a slow and steady pace that allows me to cross the finish line more often.

I think I did manage to cross the finish line occasionally when I was in scenario 3 in life but my lessons learned were easily lost because my focus was on the work I did. There was rarely time to rest and take in the lesson at hand. This last year specifically has brought much rest and much learning to the core of myself and maybe that is why the finish line has been crossed more often. More little wins that contribute to the bigger wins. The little win of not letting things get to my heart when they shouldn't. The little wins of enjoying the question at hand in my life rather than trying to erase any and all questions with my flawed understanding. I'm learning that some things cannot be understood because human nature alone causes us to do unthinkable things from time to time. Often times with that 'I don't know why I, or why they, did that' feeling hovering ever near.

When we are in the infant stage of life in our walk with God - we are ever focused on the job of stepping. We are conscious of every step taken and we take it with great caution. Every tiny step is a win. When we are over confident and 'know' it all, our eyes are not fixed on any goal in sight because we have it figured out anyway so who really needs to do all that work to cross the finish line. But the conditioned runner - that runner knows the value of pace, focus and endurance. The work has been done before the big day and now it's time to finish strong. The eyes are on the finish line - a goal is in sight and therefore victory is inevitable.

To look back and see that even though life is still hard at times; and even though I still mess up sometimes; I am still crossing the finish line. How exciting! No, my 'run' is not perfect and there are moments I want to give up and quit 'working' still, but the ability to endure has increased due to regular practice throughout the week. It is a daily training, not a weekly one. It is a moment by moment training, not only a daily one. It is a constant conversation, not a neglected one.

It is the most alive I've ever felt and I can't imagine why I ever tried it my way first. To find His rest and to still goof is far less of a fall than striving and working diligently on things myself. To only find my 'help' was only a longer fall. His rest is better. His way is better. I won't look back - wounds are healing and mistakes are being healed but I'm still pressing on with my eyes on Him. I hope I never take my eyes off His again. It's so much more fun to cooperate and live life His way than to go my own way and ask Him to fix my mess. There are far fewer casualties His way!

I've Been Captivated by THE Picture of Love

I'm really enjoying the book "Captivating" that I've been reading. It's one I've had on my shelf for about 1 year and I've finally made my way to opening the cover. I think this was the time I needed to read this book the most. I love when He leads me to a treasure like this one - at just the right time. :) God is so good! He is our pursuer! He is our protector! He is in CRAZY love with us! I so love Him!

This book is about 'Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul'. WOW! Well, from what I've read thus far (and I'm on chapter 6 now) this book is so very revealing to the attacks that Satan has had on women from Eve onward. Satan didn't just choose to deceive Eve randomly - he chose her as his target for very specific reasons. It is so amazing to see the heart reason for this attack and how this lie has been so readily bought by the entire human race (yes - that means men and women have bought this lie). It is eye opening at the very least. It clearly shows what God designed women for and how Satan has corrupted that and/or distorted it so much that we don't even know why we ache in the pit of our soul for that something that we instinctively KNOW is missing. But we do.

Anyway, at the beginning of chapter 6 a familiar scripture is shared and then put in modern lingo. It is the scripture that Jesus read when He officially started His ministry, it is from Isaiah 61: 1-3.

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion ----
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.

This is what Jesus was most passionate about - this was the core desire of His heart for ministry.

The modern lingo of the scripture above:

God has sent me on a mission.
I have some great news for you.
God has sent me to restore and release something.
And that something is you.
I am here to give you back your heart and set you free.
I am furious at the Enemy who did this to you, and I will fight
against him.
Let me comfort you.
For, dear one, I will bestow beauty upon you
where you have known only devastation.
Joy, in the places of your deep sorrow.
And I will robe your heart in thankful praise
in exchange for your resignation and despair.
(From the book 'Captivating' by John and Stasi Eldredge)

He loves us - OH how He loves us! OH how He loves us! OH how He LOVES! (If you haven't listened to that song I posted on my blog a few days ago via youtube- you need to listen to it and drink in the truth of His love! He loves us dearly! The depth of His love is amazing! I adore Him!)

Do You See What He Sees?

Recently I've become aware of how it matters how we 'see' something. It has become clear to me that the perception we have as we enter a situation affects what we 'see' in that situation. Our 'perception' of a situation will GREATLY affect what we see in that situation. We may not see the obvious full picture in front of us if we are caught filtering that 'sight' through the 'how does this affect me' filter. I have been listening to messages and reading books by Kim Clement lately. He has really opened my eyes, over the last few years, to this truth more and more. It is becoming clear to me that some really do have eyes to see and ears to hear and some really do not.

It isn't a fault to anyone that they do or do not see. It is often our perception of a situation that interferes with any truth being clear. I know as I've grown in my faith there have been sermons I've sat in on and thought "I see, by reading, how this is CLEARLY in the Bible but in my mind/heart I don't truly 'see' how that is a wrong or bad thing." Often times - that truth would be one I would voluntarily let go of because understanding did not accompany that truth.

I was listening to a CD this weekend and in the CD Kim said "Some will touch the hem and some will enter the holy of holies". WOW! That hit me - some will only touch the hem of his garment because that is as far as they are willing to press in and some will go all the way because they are ALL in! That was amazingly clear to me - in the church some want just enough of God to get by and some want to be in over their head with God. To be in over your head with God means you are not just knee deep in the river but you are flowing with the flow of the river and your feet cannot touch! You are letting Him lead/guide you and you release all control to Him. He chooses where you flow in this river, you are no longer steering. THAT is over your head. That is the kind of ride that I choose to take.

I just read "The voice of God is only a sound to those who are conscious of their weakness and sin, but to those who are aware of their position in Christ, the sound is a clear voice." (Kim Clement) This again is something I'm finding rings very true in the day to day of life. When we know where we stand in a relationship with someone it is easier to clearly hear the heart of the person. When it is a new relationship and we are not confident in our standing with that person, we can often imagine the worst and not hear what they really say - we're too busy interpreting them to enjoy them.

When I look at the church - anytime you hear about 'the end times' some think about 'will I be in the rapture or will I be here during tribulation?'. The eyes of sight are focused in on 'how does THIS affect me?' While listening to the CD I mentioned before, Kim often mentioned how in Revelation it is mentioned that there are a 'great cloud of witnesses cheering us on'. How long has this truth been overlooked in an effort to 'see'/understand the 'where will I be in the end times suffering?' question. We are all sinners and know we cannot live perfectly so this makes sense to ponder this - but not so much that we miss all the rest of what God has to say about end times.

A great cloud of witnesses cheers us on.... Kim went further to say "David is looking down asking where are all the David's?.... Ruth is looking down asking where are all the Ruth's?.... Joshua is looking down asking where are all the Joshua's?...... Moses is looking down asking where are all the Moses'? where are all the Esther's? and on and on it could go. Where are all the now people with the passion and zeal to stand up like the people who God used to do mighty things? Will they rise up or will they be caught being ordinary? Are the now time Davids obeying and listening to God's call or are they being ordinary? Are the now time Davids looking at God's Word through the filter of 'how does this truth affect me personally?' or are they all into being 'even more undignified than this!'

Our 'sight' causes us to miss the bigger picture in an effort to excuse or defend our own position and then we are left frustrated by the truth rather than encouraged by it. It is exciting to have eyes to see and ears to hear - may I never stop seeing and hearing what HE wants me to see and hear! I pray that all the many David's, Ruth's, Joshua's, Esther's, etc. will begin to SEE with clear sight and HEAR with clear ears so that they may fulfill the call to be what God has purposed them to be. To not be ordinary but to make room for God's extra-ordinary. To make room for the supernatural to be birthed again. For HIS kingdom to come and HIS will to be done in earth as it is in heaven. For those who are called to more, for them to be willing to step up into more and not be bound by their lack of sight or by fear of being misunderstood and considered a freak or weird or such. I pray that those who are called 'to more' will begin to CLEARLY hear His voice and not be discouraged by those who only hear a sound. I pray that sight would be clear and hearing would be clear - in spite of those who do not see/hear what you see/hear! God's desire is to be seen and heard - we must be willing to press in and fulfill the call He gives us. I pray we will answer Him with a 'yes I see you and yes I hear you and yes I will do'.

ABBA Father

Here is another great song from Daniel Doss Band - called Abba Father. I love their CD so much because it is great melodically but the lyrics are BEAUTIFUL too!

Abba Father, You have loved me
With a love like I've never known
Abba Father, You have saved me
From the depths that I'll never know

What a great Father You are
What a great Father You are

You have loved with arms wide open
You have held me through it all
You are faithful to the broken
Lord, You hear me when I call

Thank You, Lord for all that You've done
Thank You, Lord for giving Your Son
When I was lost You came after me
When I deserved such great penalty

What a great Father You are
What a great Father You are

You have loved with arms wide open
You have held me through it all
You are faithful to the broken
Lord, You hear me when I call.
________

I love how gentle and kind God is. I love that He doesn't react harshly with us - He's so gentle and accepting. What a beautiful gift to feel accepted as we are! What a great Father He IS!

Blessed Is The One

Blessed is the one who trusts You
Like a tree that cannot be moved
You say jump to arms wide open
I am scared but I am willing

For blessed is the one
Blessed is the one who trusts You

You, faithful, just and good
Shepherd of my heart
Lead me to where You are

And I remember all Your goodness
Suffering through the desert places
You never said it would be easy
You just promised You'd be with me

For blessed is the one
Blessed is the one who trusts You

You, faithful, just and good
Shepherd of my heart
Lead me to where You are
You, who holds my destiny
I'll follow foolishly
Your love will be my song
So I will trust You

I will trust You in the pain
When I can't see past today
When it's hard to lift my hands to praise You
I will trust You

(Daniel Doss Band - Greater Than Us All CD)

Sacrifice of Praise

Today I heard someone share on this topic and it caused me to ponder if I really do sacrifice (give up my rights to) certain hotspots within my life. A hotspot is something I learned about years ago when we had a few dogs in our lives. One dog would find a sore on his neck or leg or wherever and rather than leave it alone, so that it could heal, he continuously scratched and bit at this area until a hotspot appeared. We had to put cream on this area and if he persisted, we had to put a cone on his neck to block him from his continuous efforts of relief. The sad thing was, his effort to bring immediate relief was causing an infected gash that could not heal. He couldn't resist the urge for the quick relief of a scratch although that scratch was to his own demise.

So the points shared today about the Sacrifice of Praise are this: Sacrifice = giving up rights to something.

1. I give up my right to understand what God is doing in my life. He is a mystery and that is a good thing. When I'm in a place of wonder, needing/wanting an answer or direction this is not comforting to give up this right, but I must.
2. I give up my right to depend on my own resources. At times He makes it real easy to stop depending on self. Those days without a job or those incidents that cannot be settled without a miracle. Those are places we are now no longer able to depend on what we bring to the table.
3. I give up the right to be in control. I cannot choose how God will bring relief or the answer. And the answer doesn't always look like I expect it to look. But didn't Jesus disappoint the Israelites because He wasn't grand enough for them? He wasn't a King or majestic enough for their liking. He was ordinary. We often want/expect a grand 'ta-dah' moment and He quietly brings an answer that, if we are not careful, we overlook and never receive because we think that is too ordinary of an answer for God to provide.
4. I give up my right to expect sympathy and admiration for my courage. NO PITY PARTY!
5. I give up my right to carry my own load. This is pride, I don't need your help.
6. I give up my right to wallow in my guilt. Not allowed to live in shame.
7. I give up my right to judge others. Blaming them for not being what I expected or such. We must praise God for who they are now - even in their less appealing state - and not for what we desire them to be.
8. I give up my right to judge myself.
9. I give up my right to judge my circumstances.
10. I give up my right to dictate terms of my training program. God sees what needs to be corrected or redirected in our lives WAY more clearly than we ever do. Trust that He has this all under control.

Basically we must sacrifice these rights, on purpose, to be in the mindset to truly praise. Praise Him for the sacrifice. It's more than submission, it's contentment. Acceptance with gratitude. It's an abandoned trust that He has it all under control and I don't need to run around like crazy trying to fix it all. I can trust Him to bring the good He has stored up for me at just the right time. Because unlike me, He's actually able to perform what He promises. And unlike me He knows, without a doubt, when it's the PERFECT time to say yes and when it's the PERFECT time to say no. He doesn't hope He's right.... He KNOWS He's right. I often have good intentions but He ALWAYS has our good in mind.

Let FREEDOM Ring!

"Let freedom ring
Let the white dove sing
Let the whole world know that today is the day of a reckoning
Let the weak be strong
Let the right be wrong
Roll the stone away
Let the GUILTY pay
It's Independence Day"

Hear Ye Hear Ye - all citizens of this once great country! May we rise up and return to our freedom once again! May the many races of America rise up as one people - all agendas (including racism) and limits be removed once and for all! May the political parties cease and unity reign. May ALL CAREER politicians be removed and may true pioneers - those with real vision for the betterment of us ALL rise up and be seen as true warriors for our nation. May the 'us them' mentality be forever gone and may the majority rise up for the rights our founding Fathers fought so dearly to preserve for us. May the ultra liberal and ultra conservatives lose their voices so that the majority may speak and be clearly heard!

May the rich have compassion and be stirred to reach out and lend a hand to the poor but may the government NEVER enforce this! May the sole enforcer of this tender compassion come solely from our creator - the one who DID create us ALL equal! May the poor be cared for properly - with dignity and with the agenda of carefully teaching them to fish so their dignity may be restored rather than teaching them to expect a check. Someone with dignity will far surpass someone trained to look for the meager rationings thrown at them. It is the fight to survive, that is within us all, that stirs us on - not the fight to sit and wait for charity.

May the sick be well cared for, and once again may it be that they are cared for with dignity. Not in such a way that bankrupts them and causes them to lose all they have for the simple pleasure of breathing clearly another day! May this not be done with an iron fist that limits the best we can be but with a hand of tenderness and compassion that causes a Doctor to not watch a family suffer due to not having $ or insurance. May the doctor patient relationship be restored and may true freedom reign within this field once again. May the drug companies and insurance companies get their hands off the doctors so they can properly diagnose medical issues and not throw a pill at us when we aren't well!

May the church rise up with compassion and love. May the church be Christ - rather than another business entity looking for who's the best among their peers. May the church return to it's first love and seek God's face, rather than His hand. May the church lose it's haughty way of looking down on those whom stir the very heart of God. Those who act out in such crazy ways but are ultimately seeking love. Those who've been wounded by the hand of another - they need the one true solution to the ails of their lives and not a judgmental glance from the 'holy'.

May America be TRULY FREE again - Father God heal our land!

Hear Us From Heaven (by Jared Anderson)

Verse:
Lord, hear our cry
Come heal our land
Breath life into these dry and thirsty souls
Lord, hear our prayer
Forgive our sin
And as we call on Your name
Would You make this a place For Your glory to dwell

Chorus:
Open the blind eyes
Unlock the deaf ears
Come to Your people
As we draw near
Hear us from heaven
Touch our generation
We are Your people
Crying out in desperation

Lord hear our song
Your children worship
As we sing out Your praise
Would You make this a place for Your glory to dwell

Bridge:
Hear Us From Heaven,
Hear Us From Heaven,
Hear Us From Heaven (4x)

His Love is so Deep!

Today I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with love. Love for my sweet Lord and Savior. What an amazing thing to be flooded with LOVE. The pure love, not the tainted "if then" stuff but the "I love you because you are precious to me" stuff, that sends me spinning into the open arms of my Lord.

To know that even when I'm at my worst - He stands there with open arms hoping I'll choose to run to Him with my disappointments or hurt rather than another. When I feel the most alone He gently carries me so that I do not have the added burden of walking through those dark and lonely days alone.

This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand. I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming.

He is holy, amazing, precious! He's my provider! He's my strong tower! He's my savior! He's my ABBA! He's perfect and good! He's gentle and tender! He's strong and powerful! He's so GOOD! He's patient! His eyes shine with love for me! Forgiving! Redeeming! Restoring! He's ALWAYS on time! The Lifter of my head! Romancing! Pursuing One!