I think I'm a partially lit tree!

(Can you see the bright light I see - mid-bottom, left?)

Our partially lit Christmas tree is standing before me. I've taken down the decorations and yet the tree remains standing with lights on. This year, maybe due to pregnancy or maybe due to the return of joy to me, I have delayed the taking down of the decorations. I don't want Christmas to end. "Just one more day, I'll take it all down in one more day." Here we are on the 9th of January and my decorations are finally down, but the tree remains.

So I sit here, looking at the Rubbermaid tubs waiting to be closed and put away, but all I can see is this single glaring light in my eyes. I never noticed it before, with all the decorations on the tree, but now it is all I can see. I realize my noticing this light is mostly due to the positioning of the single light bulb, but it is also due to my position. If I move - the light becomes hidden by a branch or the angle I see from seems more dim.

Another thing I notice is the tree is really partially lit. We have one, if not two strands of lights that have gone out. So I look at this tree and one light outshines the rest and other spots are dim. It makes me think of how we are supposed to be salt and light. Now that I've clearly noticed the brightly shining light on my tree - I can't help but see it above the rest. It is unavoidable to my eyes now.

One last thing I consider as I look at this tree, it will be down tomorrow, is the fact that it is partially lit. I know there are areas of my life where I believe I may shine for Him, but there are other areas where I know MUCH work is still needed. I look at this tree and see me. Maybe I have one hot spot of light that can't be ignored, while the rest of me is lit - just not outstanding. Yes there are areas that are not lit at all because I'm either resistant to growing in that area of my life or I'm clueless that there is no light there yet. It's still hidden from me.

It's interesting how this tree is bare and yet seems to reveal so much. Maybe that's how I am - so bare (feel so exposed and raw at times) and yet being authentic and genuine does not allow me to hide that. At times I feel there is nowhere to hide because of this unshakable authenticity; I can not even pretend the things I want to pretend. I am so obvious in my disapproval and in my pain and in my joy - it is not something I can control. At times I want to control it all so much, to be mysterious and private but no matter how much I want to hold back the truth - it comes pouring out in my face, body language or my words because it is a flood overtaking me. "I'm FREE!!!! I'm sad! I'm HAPPY!!!! I'm mad! I'm disappointed! I'm HOPEFUL!!!!!" Whatever IT is - it comes out. Not in a way that I take it out on others, but in a way where I want to keep that to myself but can't bare hiding.

I guess that's good and it can be bad too. Some don't appreciate that trait and are very uncomfortable with such raw emotion, but I'm learning to find where I'm embraced and received with gladness and let the rest go their way. No apologies because God made me me! No apologies because, if I am out of line or if I do need correcting, God is definitely gonna show me! I'm a work in progress and I'm LOVING the journey now versus trying to control and purpose things! I'm just me! Shining, dim, bright, totally off, or a beacon. Whatever I am, I am me! This 'tree' is partially lit - there are bright spots, spots that blend in and are not noticed, and a few shaded spots (where the lights are out). I'm not perfect and yet I can still shine in my flawed state. There are still areas where I'm light even when I do not realize it!

I think when we are least aware of our influence and our potential is when we make the biggest impact for Him! May I never know when and where my light shines for Him! May I be clueless to this fact so that I can remain useful for HIS plan. When we 'see' a plan and/or 'way' we can be used is when we have an agenda and a plan and are least flexible. It is when we are flying blind - when we don't see what is obvious to those around us that our light can't help but be a beacon to those in our lives.

Just like that lighthouse is a beacon on a foggy night to ships at sea. Once the lighthouse is lit - all ships in need of direction can't avoid seeing the light. That's what we should be like - we should start in prayer (turn the light on) and yield to THE One who matters and just be. Being is a way more impactful method than telling everyone how to be anyway. When we ARE light, we draw all men unto Him. Being means we know Him enough to reflect Him. Being means we are clueless about it. Being means a life that is at rest. Being is far more valuable than convincing. Being is trusting Him to be in control of the reigns and enjoying the journey. God let me BE whatever, whenever, however. I lay MY plan down!

Warfare and Beauty

The fight - the fight to hide out and keep myself from pain versus being fully and wholly me. It seems to be THE battle I've fought all my life, and continue to face from time to time. To hide is to keep a guard over pieces of me. To keep my heart bottled up in a dark hidden place where no one can hurt me and no one can evaluate me and no one can tear me to bits. Sounds good at the start but it never satisfies.

The more hidden my heart becomes the less of me I am free to be. I feel contrived and less authentic. I feel like I CAN'T be me during those times - like it isn't allowed or welcomed. As if to be me is a HUGE mistake for everyone to see.

I'm re-reading 'Captivating' by John and Stasi Eldredge with a few friends. This week we are reading about being romanced and about the beauty to unveil. That as women we ache to be romanced and we ARE beautiful.

The scripture shared was 1 Peter 3:3-4 "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit."

Not saying that we can't or shouldn't wear beautiful things nor is it saying we should all be gentle and quiet. God makes us all unique and different. The inner beauty rises up from a heart at rest. Striving to BE beautiful is often not beautiful at all. It is only when we are at rest with our selves and who GOD says we are and what HE sees in us is when our beauty flawlessly rises up.

An excerpt from the book "God, in his faithfulness, is changing me. But I remain an extrovert. In fact, instead of making me into someone else, he is make me more me. And that is one of the beautiful things about him. That the more his we become, the more ourselves we become; more our true selves. So it is a good thing that I misunderstood the Scripture. Peter doesn't mean that beautiful women rarely speak above a whisper, if they speak at all. No. To have a gentle and quiet spirit is to have a heart of faith, a heart that trusts in God, a spirit that has been quieted by his love and filled with his peace. Not a heart that is striving and restless."

I know for me, my romance with God has done just that! I feel the most at rest with myself than ever before. I still war out the knowing of that and the resting in that from time to time. Just put me in a situation where I feel unsure about my surroundings or myself and BAM - my restless self rises back up! My striving to hide or be enough self rises up.

The most precious thing of all is that having found this rest with God has led me to quickly see when I'm fighting the urge to be at rest in a situation. And rather than get lost in a cycle of hiding out, He is quick to shine His light of loving truth on the matter and bring me back to where He wants me to be. At rest in Him, not striving to be enough in the room. I'm thankful my striving has become a more rare choice for me these days but when it does rise up - I feel so disappointed in myself for losing my rest in Him. It is never worth losing for anyone or anyplace! My rest in Him is priceless it is painless. It is my Shalom! Why in the world would I leave my very own Shalom to hide myself?

I love feeling like myself! There is no joy in playing guard over my own heart. It is natural to do that from time to time but I do not want to live there ever again. I've been freed from that job years ago and I get so frustrated when I see I've fallen back into that trap again - leaning on myself instead of resting in Him. I have to look at the fact that I am quick to return to Him, I don't stay there long but it sure feels like I'm falling none the less. I'm victorious in this anyway because back in the day I would take 1 step forward in my walk with Him and about 50 backwards. Now, the steps seem more like 20 steps forward and 2 steps backward. Who can complain with those odds?! I know the only way I'm now taking 20 steps forward and so few backwards is ALL due to Him! Without His grace and strength and His love and His smiling over me and His kindness and His mercy.... I would be back at the 1 step forward and 50 backward marker. Lord, may I REMAIN IN rest IN YOU!

Show me how to trust You more readily - even when I feel the urge to rise up and guard myself. Help me quiet the urge to fight for myself and help me rest in trust that YOU have it covered. I can't fight for myself well anyway, I much rather when you do it but I still have pieces I find it my sole job to cover just in case a dagger makes it through your protective covering. It sounds foolish to even say that but that is what my actions scream out - my actions to guard those tiny spots are screaming 'GOD CAN'T HANDLE THIS SO I HAVE TO!' What a sad fact to see glaring in my face - I choose to trust You to guard me beautifully. I just don't know how to stop myself from rising up to defend because even though I'm not saying anything in those moments, my silence is a guard. It keeps me from facing the giants that make me want to hide. I want to hide and yet I want to trust! Help me trust! I hate hiding and feeling beaten down with no voice. I'm tired of the silent smack downs I feel thrown my way whether I sit in silence or I stand and smile. I don't know if I'm in line with Your plan or if I'm hiding. Am I hiding myself in this or are you covering me so well that I feel hidden by You and think it's me? I am shielded by You! I am guarded and safe! I am under your wings! I am under your wings! I am at rest! I trust.

(I feel the need to assure those who may be concerned, it is truly well with me - this post is just the result of glimpses God gives me of times I failed to lean fully on Him. This causes me to see what I let go of, even if for just a moment, and this grieves my heart. No major trials surround me now, just a knowing that at times - I fail to trust Him fully when I want to desperately. That's all this is - a moment of clarity that keeps me pressing toward the mark!)

God's Grace in Nineveh

Have you ever felt like the journey you were on was detoured towards Nineveh while you weren't looking?! Last night I had a few things on my mind and it hit me - this journey feels like I'm headed to Nineveh. When did that happen?

I am no Jonah, this is for sure, but I can totally relate to that "I don't want to go there feeling. Anywhere but there!" All the while seeing that this may just be where God has been bringing me all along, a full circle moment of sorts. {sigh} Steve and I have found God's favor comes when you least expect it. The favor of God is usually a joyful experience, until it is in Nineveh.

Knowing you have God's favor involves things being quite easy and a fast pace forward all of a sudden. There is peace and ease and a sense of awe that leaves you feeling "What just happened? Really? This is happening to us.... now?! Wow! This sort of thing never happens!" It is a sudden fast track that comes from a divine moment perfectly orchestrated by The One Who spoke the world into existence. I have recently found myself sad about God's favor because it isn't in the place I was hoping it would be. It is in the place He knows has more impact and more purpose than I can see.

Unlike Jonah, I find myself right in the middle of this Nineveh instead of the belly of the whale. But I realized last night that I am in the place physically but my heart is not fully engaged. This was when I began to cry saying 'Why here? Why this place? Why?' and with tears streaming the thought came rushing into my head 'It feels like Nineveh and I don't wanna go!' Clearly I'm there but I didn't want to fully engage - arms distance please.... no closer... nothing to see here - move along. But that's when it became evident that God's favor is surrounding this place and we must engage. We must and I must surrender my hopes/plans/expectations so that I can be someone He can fully mold into His image.

He LOVES the people of Nineveh, I have to press in and release my opinions and see what He sees. He sees what matters and I see a limited view of something that makes me sad. Nineveh received what God sent Jonah to share - they were eager to repent and seek His face. I have to trust that if God sends us to a seeming Nineveh to me; then He has a receptive audience waiting to receive what He sends us to share. God's favor is such a unique and beautiful thing but it can also be a hard thing to walk in. My plans are not His plans - seems like a reoccurring theme in the Bible and in my life. I've got to yield my plans daily so that His plans may fully be fulfilled and His purposes will be accomplished. His favor may be hard to walk in at times, but the reward is always sweet at the end. Even sweeter when you grow in the midst of your favor. He never promised it would be easy but His grace, to walk in the hard places, is always sufficient!

*** The Nineveh I share as 'my Nineveh' is not a corrupt awful place - it is just a place that is not appealing to me. I only came up with the Nineveh example as I feel God showed me how I resist wanting to plug in where He is nudging me to do so. It isn't referring to a bad thing just the fact that like Jonah - I want to go another way instead of the way God was showing me. It was just an example God used to show me my heart regarding this. Just in case someone may try to 'understand' what I may mean - it's just an analogy.

Knowing Who You Are

Lately, I've come to see the value of knowing our true identity, if you don't have a strong knowing of who you are then someone can convince you that you are who they say you are. This is an important thing to know in our daily walk of life. If we waiver in our identity then we are easily swayed with the events of the day. There is no stability in our lives when we are unclear as to who we are.

I have been pondering this thought for sometime now. "Who do I think I am, really?" versus "Who do people think I am?" versus "Who does God say that I am?" It is easy to see who we are with a few labels: I am Morning Song on my blog, I am Melodye in my every day life. Who is Melodye? Well, the obvious answers are "I am the oldest of 4 in my family, a Daughter and Granddaughter of faith filled parents/grandparents, wife of my husband, mother of my children, believer in The One True God, lover of Bible Studies, constant learner, teacher to my children (we home school), friend to many, etc., etc. The list could go on and on.

"Who do I think I am?" I have come to learn that my identity, as comes from my perspective, is surprisingly skewed. I am a perfectionist, when left to my own vices, and so my perspective of myself is often way off. I see a big mess, someone who just can't quite say it right, someone who could have said that/done that/known better. Ever-achieving for better.... the elusive pinnacle of perfect, and yet I know better! I am not perfect, I don't even see myself as perfect but I strive for that. I want to do whatever I do 'THE right way'. I don't want to be slothful or inefficient. I want to be a doer and to do things well.

"Who do they say think I am?" I have little idea of what my friends see when they see me. I hope they see a considerate and kind friend who cares for them. Someone they can lean on and depend on. Someone who loves them and cares for them and wants the best for them. But, no matter what, my mistakes in relationships often overshadow the good reports in my mind (no matter how few and far between they are). This could be the same answer for my family members too.

I hope my kids see a Mom who loves them dearly and a Mom who guards their hearts and teaches them the ways of the Lord. But I often feel failed in this task too because I often mess up and feel like a dog for the bad days, when my temper leads me instead of my prayer life. I hope my husband sees a loving wife who is there for him when he needs me, the wife he needs me to be, the true help that God has called me to be and not off on my own agenda neglecting my role. The truth is, I mess that up too. I look at the things that don't matter at times and neglect what does.

So who am I? Which answer is right? My 'hope to' answer or the perspective of the many 'they's' in my life? Neither! I've come to see how important it is to see and know who I am in Christ. Because 'in Melodye' I am a mess; but 'in Christ' I am victorious. In Christ I am the apple of His eye, in Christ I am a delight to Him, in Christ I am strong, in Christ I am cherished and valued, in Christ I am a conqueror, in Christ I am given supernatural favor. But the key is to stay IN CHRIST! That takes diligence and purposed seeking of Him. In my own strength I am weak, in my own strength I am tired. In Him I am strong, in Him I am renewed when I feel weak.

When I don't know who I am - I am easy to influence by the opinion of another. The only opinion that matters is HIS. If He sees me as beautiful.... I'm beautiful. If He sees me as well pleasing to Him.... then I'm well pleasing, even when another might find my acts to be less than pleasing. If He sees me as strong...... then I am strong, no matter how scared and weak I feel. If He sees me as able.... then no matter how much I feel this is beyond me, I am able. The key is hearing and seeing HIS report of who I am.

Lately there has been a question of sorts that has been a torment to me. "What church do you go to?" This has been a source of pain to me because I know what it feels like to be where I'm supposed to be and thus far, we haven't found that fit in our church hunt. It is so discouraging and I find myself being so embarrassed when someone asks me that simple question. I feel like a failure for not finding the right place yet, I feel like a church hopper and I feel like I'm committed to nothing. I feel like I'm failing my kids. It actually makes me feel a slight twinge of ickiness every time the question surfaces.

Why? Why in the world would I have such a strong feeling towards such a simple question? What is behind this? Why does that matter so much and why in the world is our place so hard to find? I think it matters so much to me because I was raised in church. I have been a faithful attender since in the womb, with a brief break during those crazy college days. To now not 'belong' anywhere is so foreign to me, it feels wrong.

I guess it would be about 10 years ago we began attending a church that brought the whole church thing up a level for me. After attending this church I had a new fire lit within and a feeling of greater purpose was born. I felt the most alive I've ever felt. I was offered a position on staff, I gladly accepted, was going about life with no regrets and BAM..... God moved us. He moved us far away from the comforts we so easily rested in. The time after the move brought the most growth in my life, personally, that I've ever known but the church factor has been another story.

It was last weekend that I began wondering if God was not allowing me to find that fit because of this unique journey I've found myself on since the move. But why would God do that? We are supposed to be connected to the Body. I am very connected to various groups of believers but there is not a single church body that we are involved in as a family. The question hit me, this week,..... 'What if this discontent is a part of God's plan for us - for this season of our walk?' What if HE orchestrated this seeming mess to me? What if He has a greater purpose in this discontent than I can comprehend right now? What if? But why? He wants us plugged in - I KNOW that is true!

Then this weekend some friends nudged me to listen to a conference that was available online and I did. The messages were fabulous and I felt refreshed after every segment! It wasn't until the last segment that I wondered if I found my answer. If you know the story of Gideon, from Judges 7:1-7, Gideon had an army ready for battle and God said 'there are too many with you' and God stripped their army down to a small 300. The 300 went to battle because God wanted to strip Gideon of his confidence. Gideon had confidence in the ability of the many to go to war but who would have confidence in 300? That is foolish. God wanted Gideon's confidence to be IN GOD alone. So sometimes God strips us of our areas of confidence so that when He sends you into your destiny - the job is way too big for you and you are forced to lean on Him. He wants all of our confidence in Him, not in our abilities, skills or training. To take away the things we think we need reinforces our eyes to look only to Him.

Is this what God is doing in me with the church thing? That would seem foolish but... I did have much identity in my church. I was proud to be an XYZ Church attender. I had great leaders empowering me and equipping me. I leaned fully on them and looked to them for guidance. God wanted that to be how I looked at Him. God wants me to look to Him alone, not a church, or a body of believers, or a friend to be my place of trust. He wants to be my all in all!

I may be WAY off with my assessment, because I know the value of gathering together, but I just can't shake the possibility that He may be up to something in this area with me. I believe it is for a specific season but... I can't get past the feeling that this is OK for now... that is until someone asks "where do you go to church?" I want to answer the question with "I live in church! Church is my life - I'm ever at church and gleaning from Him. I don't GO to church... I'm living the church." But that sounds haughty and may offend. But that is how I feel inside. I know the value of a church family - I desperately miss it! But I know He may have a better plan that feels like loss to me and is really a gain. My job is to get through the steps He has for me to conquer now so I can get to the other side. (And I can tell you that I'm gonna wonder if someone will take the "I live church" quotes wrong and I pray no one will - but the side of me that aches to think that I may possibly offend ANYONE... friend or stranger - will toss and turn over this for a few days but... it is a part of this journey I'm on. I need to stand in my confidence IN Him and let Him work on the things that are misunderstood. Not trying to be haughty - just trying to figure this thing out.)

I need to not worry about who others may think I am during this uncomfortable season, I need to stop bashing myself for not finding that fit, I need to rest in Him and trust that He once led me to where we fit perfectly before and He will do it again... when the time is right. It is so hard to feel like something so important to me is the very area that remains in limbo. I know His ways are higher than mine. I know His plans are always way better than mine. Resting in the discomfort is hard. I find it easy to endure for a short time and then I feel a wave of panic wash over me - but then I regroup and find my place of rest, in Him, again. It is a roller coaster ride, and although I love roller coasters, I feel like this real life version is not stopping when I want it to stop. It's like the guy at the control switch just keeps it going and going and going and I'm yelling 'LET me OFF THIS THING!' But I would rather stay on until He knows I'm ready to stand tall in where He is leading me. So I regroup and rest.... again. He has the end in sight, He has the map, I must trust in Him. Reject all feelings and all doubt and trust Him because He is always good.

Walking Through Pain

When we restrict our hearts from God, we injure ourselves. We basically say 'God, I can't trust You, or anyone, with that part of my heart. So I will guard that place in my heart. No thanks, I don't need Your help. I'll take it from here.' But how can we truly guard our heart effectively? The only thing we can do is build up a wall around that injured area. Sadly there is no ointment of truth being applied and no surgery by the Master Physician in that area, so that area remains toxic - but toxic behind the isolated, self-made wall.

What happens next is that we either let NO ONE in that piece of our hearts or.... after much testing of someone - we find someone we are willing to open up to in that area. Since that area has never been tended to and is not healed - it is a matter of time before that someone will bump us in that spot and we don't just respond with "That hurt me, don't do that." But rather it is another time someone has hurt us there so we try to build an even more sturdy wall around that wound than before. It will now be a LONG time before we trust someone with that piece of us ever again!

We then become so walled up in that area that no one is allowed in that dark recess of our heart. That wound is nurtured, but not towards healing, it is nurtured with vows of 'I'll never.' "I'll never trust anyone again. I'll never open up in that area again. I'll never.... I'll never..... I'll never!" We are not bringing healing to our hearts but reinforcing a wall of lies. The lie is that we think we are able to properly care for ourselves in that area. To some that area could be unthinkable abuse, to others it could be neglect... whatever the cause of that wound - the wound has now not been cared for behind the wall self built, but it has been given toxic ointment that has now made this original pain (no matter how large or small it was in the beginning) become infected with additional issues.

We now have reinforced our pain with more pain in that area. All along God wanted us to trust Him with that spot of pain - He made us to ache for Him. So that idea of what a 'true' such and such would be like is that part of our hearts that KNOWS we were made for someone to honor us and cherish us. That someone is HIM. He made us with an ache within that can only be filled by Him and the exciting thing about that is.... there is a piece of His heart that aches for us. There is a spot in God's heart that is all mine and if I reject Him, He cannot fill that spot without me. It's not like He can fill the Melodye spot of His heart with Samantha. It's MY spot! That's the same with our hearts. There is a God spot that cries out for the true expression of love, the true value of who we are, the true loving tender care we long for.

But when we begin looking for that spot to be filled by our family or friends or children... we become more empty because our family/friends AND children combined can never fill the God spot within us. So when we reinforce the 'I don't need a God who would let x-thing happen to me.' we are now toxic in our place of injury by another AND we have a heart ache that can NEVER be filled until we say yes to God. So there we are, walled in our wall of protection, not letting anyone in and not letting God tend to our aching heart. The heart that was made for love now has a wall in the middle of it. This wall surrounds a gaping, aching, toxic, neglected wound that longs to be healed AND a spot that God wants to mend for us.

It is only when we willingly trust Him to see our pain and we willingly trust Him to apply ointment and we willingly allow Him to bandage us up.... that is when healing begins. The tender, aching, throbbing wound still hurts to the touch. It hurts to the simple glance towards it even. But as truth is applied to that spot daily, the heart begins to mend little by little. And before you know it, you have a healed wound. When we look to God to fill our aches and we seek Him to heal our wounds - we are seeking a life of truth. We are able to receive the love He has for us and that ache is gone.

Now, when someone comes along and hurts us there again, we are whole. They don't pierce our hearts with their harshness or with their neglect. We feel the sadness from the injury but it doesn't pierce our heart. No wound is formed. This requires us keeping a constant eye on Him, constantly stopping to re-group when we feel like 'was that real? Did they mean that for me?'. He remains ever near to say "No my precious one. That was a result of their walled up heart. They neglected or abused you because of their pain, it wasn't about you. Rest in me." We can then take a deep breath and let that incident pass, if it is the type of pain that we question repeatedly... He is ever near to talk us through it as many times as it takes to get us through. We are never too much for Him, He is willing to listen to our hearts cry as long as it takes! But the joy of it all is... that on the other side of an injury that we take to Him immediately - we walk out stronger and without any sign of pain.

We walk out with our heads up and with a whole heart that remained in tact, although there were moments of sadness, the heart was never pierced. Rather than the incident piercing us, and changing us, it pierced Him and He carries us through without a side effect to follow. All that remains is the confidence built in His ability to carry us through a hard time. All that remains is a faith that has grown stronger, all that remains is a precious Father's love covering us and keeping us whole. Had we jumped away from His covering and followed our instinct to self-protect we would have taken much time to heal and be willing to show Him our pain (not to mention we would have likely hurt the other person in the process). But instead we went His way - we sought Him with every.single doubt and we were refreshed immediately with truth. It washed over us and removed any residue that may have sat upon our hearts and produced anger or hurt. A whole heart in the battle. What a miracle!

This is possible. How audacious of me to consider such a thought!?! I can tell you that earlier in my life - I've been the one to take my pain and be the protector of my own heart. What a tiring job - what a lonely job - what a sad job I did of guarding myself. I've also walked through a trying time with Him and followed His way and as a result I walked out of that pain with joy unspeakable and a peace that I still cannot understand. I am still amazed at how beautifully He guarded me and protected me. I was whole throughout the entire process. Not that I never cried or felt pain but the pain was quickly washed away, with my tears being poured out to Him. As soon as I felt the heaviness of it all, the weight was gone, He lifted my burden. I didn't marinate in it and let it seep into my heart, which produces a heavy heart.

I've walked through pain both ways and I can tell you, from experience that in the self-built walls... I lived a cursed life. A toiling and striving that was never productive. It was fruitless yet the most tiring experience ever. Walking under the shadow of His wings, while hurting, was a blessing. It produced life and it showed me how I only need Him to fill me. Any extras (good family and good friends) are a blessing but I only really need Him. He is enough and He is good to me and He cares for my heart beautifully. Much better than I could myself. What a blessing pain can be when it is kept in the very hand of God. Pain hurts no matter what but the sting and toxins cannot pierce His hands!

His Grace IS Sufficient!!

The puzzle pieces of my life are coming together lately. Many 'aha' moments. This morning I read the following in an email: "My grace is sufficient for the demands of today. Take one moment at a time and one step at a time and trust Me with all of your heart. Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."

As I read this email and the scripture it jumped out at me again. "God's sufficiency in the midst of insufficiency." If you've read my last two posts you will easily notice what I saw. I will explain the connection but first I must add another detail to this whole story.

There was a time in my life where I felt I had done things as I should. I was that girl. The one who obeyed all the rules and didn't notice how much of a gift that was to myself. I had my eyes focused on other things as an indicator for a successful life. I saw the fun my friends had, I saw how they lacked the guilt meter within their head that kept me from the 'fun' I saw them readily enjoying. I wanted to be brave enough to live it up too. I wanted to stop feeling like life was passing me by while I sat on the side lines watching all the fun. I didn't see how this gift of keeping myself from these sort of pleasures was truly a gift to myself. Shoulda, coulda, woulda told that girl to keep on keepin' on but... my eyes were off course and I followed the fun.

While on my trip down 'fun' lane, God began chasing me down. What happened was every.single.time I turned on the TV or radio or anything really - there would be a Pastor on TV preaching on the scripture passage of Matthew 6:33-34. It wasn't like every channel had it on but it would not fail that if I couldn't find something to watch on TV, my channel flipping would find a Pastor reading that scripture at the moment I 'tuned in'. It took several instances of this before I began to stop and listen, out of curiosity that EVERY Pastor was preaching on this scripture. The thing is I knew God all my life and I KNEW that this wasn't a coincidence. I finally began listening when I was channel flipping.

After some time I went home to visit my parents and I agreed to attend a church service with them. I grew up going to church but went my own way for about 3 years before this chase surfaced. I had a friend from high school call me and tell me of nightmares she was having about me and many other weird things. So, I go to church with my parents and on my way to church (I drove separate b/c they were in choir and Sunday School so I went alone) my tire went flat. I drove on my rim for too long because I knew I had no one to call to help me. All my connections were in my new community and I lost all contact back home. So I drove as far as I felt I could and then walked to church. I had this overwhelming fear come over me and I began to have anxiety as I almost ran to church. My Mom saw me walk in the door from the choir loft - she saw the panic on my face and came to see if I was OK.

Would you believe..... the Pastor got on stage and he said "Would you open your Bible's to Matthew 6:33-36?". O.M.G.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I knew God was at the point of this 'chase' after me that things were about to change. I was about to get back on the road I lived all my life. The three year sabbatical was over - time to get back on THE right track again. I relented and I said yes to Christ again and life began changing little by little.

Here I am today, reading a simple email, with the understanding of my latest adventure in life WITH God and finding His message to me has been the same all along. "MY grace is sufficient for thee!" "MY grace is enough!" "I AM enough!"

It's no coincidence on this day that my 222 moment and my return to the Lord moment have the same message. Everything around me is insufficient - to some degree - but HE is NEVER insufficient. It is only when I take my eyes off of Him and put them on the issue at hand that I minimize His abilities. Just like Peter, when my eyes are in full focus on Him - I'm well cared for. When I let my eyes wonder to the luxuries of life or the cares of this world - then I'm sinking before I know it. Gotta keep my eyes on Him. Gotta KNOW that He IS enough! He is sufficient and if I keep that at the center of my life then I will not ride the roller coaster of emotions; I will remain steady in the palm of His hand while chaos surrounds me. Now THAT is the kind of security I want!

Oh How He Whispers!

Last summer I reunited with some friends and they mentioned a retreat they were going to attend. I knew the ministry leader was great and I was so hungry for a God moment. I know God had been ministering to me 1 on 1 and that was EXCITING!!!! The only thing was I had a taste of the deepness of God, while under this ministry leader before, and I had not found anything like it since. To say I was excited and thrilled about this retreat was a slight understatement.

The plans were set - things were in order - I was looking forward to our time together and then... Hurricane Gustav hit. This meant that if there was severe damage to the area where we were staying the retreat was cancelled. Gustav arrived on September 1, 2008 and our retreat was on September 4, 2008, we found out that our retreat location was not affected but everyone attending the retreat was affected. They were without power, fuel and the after affects seemed to be on going for sometime. The retreat wasn't cancelled because the facilities would not allow us to postpone or refund money so... the show must go on.

We arrived and boy was it a great time of refreshing and much teaching that was truly life changing. Thankfully my husband saw the personal benefit this time was for me and when they announced their retreat in May 2009, I was able to go. Then I just returned from our retreat that was September 10, 2009. Each retreat has been life-changing for me and I am so glad to have reconnected to this source of ministry again.

I said all of that to say, every retreat there has been a unique thing that has happened on my ride home. I ALWAYS see an abundance of yellow butterflies. How crazy is that?! I know they are around before and after retreat but for whatever reason - they are everywhere I look as I drive home. I thought it unique and yet wondered if there could be more to this 'coincidence'. I believe that God is always trying to speak to us - He uses His creation as He likes to accomplish that. Whether it be a recurring number (222 for me - see last post) or a yellow butterfly.

Needless to say, I began searching for meaning behind yellow butterflies. I found that yellow represents Gift. "A gift (with feeling); gift from or of God; marriage; family; honor. Welcome home (as in "a yellow ribbon") The scripture reference for yellow:

Though ye have lain among the pots, yet shall ye be as the wings of a dove [spiritual] covered with silver [knowledge], and her feather with yellow gold [spirit of wisdom and the glory of God] Psalm 68:13

Butterfly represents freedom. "Flighty (flitting about); fragile" There were scripture references to transformation which often refers to butterflies.

And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind... Romans 12:2

So can I deduce that the wisdom gleaned at retreat is a fragile gift of God that produces freedom as I bring these truths home? I don't see why it can't represent that or it could just be about walking in the freedom attained during that time away. Either way - I'm taking it! He may even have a more personal reason than that, one I've yet to discover but that's what I love most about my God. He is ever revealing a new glimpse of truth of Himself to me. He keeps me on this adventure of my life - this chase of sorts. He chases me down with His goodness, I'm often too busy to recognize His gentle whispers toward me. If nothing else I am encouraged to see that I'm now awake to Him. I see a pattern, and yes it may take 3 times before I put things together, and I look for what He may want me to see in that silly or truly heavy situation.

He does the same when I am weary and fighting a battle too. Just yesterday I was wavering in an issue I've had to take a stand in lately. I had the urge to respond opposite how He has been leading me to respond. I was battling this thought - the just get it over with and move on feeling - when I decided to talk with a friend. I so want it to be over! It was clear to me that my friend confirmed what I already knew - it isn't time to move on. I hated that this meant this battle is not over yet. But OH how my want to was distracting me with the desire for the ease of getting this over with.

I picked up my Beth Moore Esther study and read "Sometimes God is more aware than we of just how much He requires of us. He knows how hard it's going to be for us." and then I read (in reference to Mordecai standing at the king's gate) "Mordecai's unwillingness to bow in 5:9 recalls his refusal in 3:2, but with one huge difference. This time Mordecai not only refused to bow but even to stand. Any time He calls us to die, His purpose is to reveal larger life." OK, I thought, I get it. I know when I studied chapter 3 of Esther God revealed a call 'to stand' to me. Then here I am wavering with standing, by wanting to remove this issue and move on, to only be reminded again the significance of standing when no one knows why in the world you dare to stand.

Fast forward to later that day when a fellow blogger stopped in for a visit and said hello. She shared that she felt the urge to come 'see me' after reading a comment I shared on another blog. She read it yesterday but I wrote it almost a month ago. I went back to that comment - out of curiosity and wouldn't you know it. I was sharing my revelation of needing to stand with this friend and by no strange coincidence - I reminded myself of the depth of truth God showed me back when I first posted that comment. Then I went to that person's blog to say thank you and her post was on 'Time to Take a Stand'. See.. even when things seem painful God uses multiple ways to get to us. To nudge us, to encourage us, to talk to us, to love us! He is our pursuer!! I think we miss his pursuits more than we notice!

My heart cry today is "I have eyes to see, I have ears to hear, I have a heart to know you God. Please heighten my seeing, my hearing and my knowing! I don't want to miss another whisper from You!"

Understand the Season

I love the way God does things. Last week I tried to share this story in another post but I could not remember the details. I couldn't find where I saved the email either. Wouldn't you know it that a group that often sends me email updates included this story in their email update yesterday! I love it! ;)

Now, when I first heard this story it was from the perspective of not judging one another by the one season we see that person going through. A reminder that we are all more than the one season we are going through at this time. But yesterday this story was shared with a slight change in the focus. We must not even judge our own lives too quickly - what a great message. So I hope you enjoy reading this story of seasons - I know it is a great lesson in perspective no matter how you apply the lesson.

Understand the Season

There was a man who had four sons. He wanted his sons to learn not to judge things too quickly. So he sent each of them on a quest to go and look at a pear tree that was a great distance away.

The first son went in the winter, the second in the spring, the third in summer and the youngest son in the fall.

When they had all gone and returned, he called them all together to describe what they had seen. The first son said that the tree was ugly, bent and twisted.

The second son said it was covered with green buds and full of promise.

The third son disagreed; he said it was lad with blossoms that smelled so sweet and looked so beautiful, it was the most graceful thing he had ever seen.

The last son disagreed with all of them; he said it was ripe and drooping with fruit, full of life and fulfillment.

The father then explained to his sons that they were all right, because they had each seen but only one season in the tree's life. He told them that you cannot judge a tree or person by only one season. The essence of who they are and the pleasure, joy and love that comes from that life can only be measured at the end, when all the seasons are up.

If you give up when it's winter, you will miss the promise of spring, the beauty of your summer and the fulfillment of your fall.

The moral of the story for all of us is, don't let the pain of one season destroy the joy of all the rest. Today I want to remind you not to judge life by one difficult season. As you persevere through the difficult and challenging seasons in your life, know that better times are on their way. Don't grow weary in doing right or working hard because in due season you will flourish and have success!

The More I Seek You

The More I Seek You
(Christ for the Nations)

The more I seek You
The more I find You
The more I find You
The more I love You

I wanna sit at your feet,
drink from the cup in Your hand
Lay back against You and breathe,
feel your heartbeat
This love is so deep,
its more that I can stand
I melt in Your peace,
its overwhelming

Growing

I find at times it is easy to see the journey of growing as messy. It is actually a beautiful time, or let's just say I've learned to finally see the beauty in growing. We've all heard the analogy of a blanket being made and from our view we see the knotted up ugly side of our lives but from God's view it is a beautiful masterpiece!

There have been many years of my life that I've seen every unpleasant experience as a shameful or disgraceful experience and often times wished those times away. I know that growing is not easy - when we see the beautiful sunflower in full bloom we never consider the days that turned into weeks that turned into months for that beautiful flower to grow from a hard seed into a beautiful flower with delicate petals.

At first the seed is pressed down into a dark, cold place - all alone. A place that seems a little scary even. And who knows the force or the breaking it must go through to then break out of the hard shell so that the roots can first grow downward. Without healthy roots the flower may not even break the ground above. The roots grow and the plant still is in a dark, cold place and all alone. It would be fruitless to dig up the seed after a few weeks to see why it was growing so slowly or see why it was growing down first or to see if it was growing at all. That would kill the process all together - so it takes patience and faith after planting to wait for something beautiful to come of the waiting on the unseen growth at work.

But then the first glimpse of light is there and although things may seem much brighter and better - there is still growing to be done. If the bloom would open now - the flower would rot and never become beautiful. So it is necessary for the flower to go through every stage of growth or it cannot become what it is called to be - a beautiful sunflower. Of course, I am not an expert on plant growth and who knows the many other analogies that could be made but the point being - growing is work. Growing is a process and it hurts at times but if you keep pressing onward, with hope and expectation, the journey can become fun - although still rigorous and draining.

Anytime I come to a place of understanding something new I go through the uncomfortable stages and then eventually begin to see the light of day. I don't remain in the dark cold place forever. It is just a part of the journey and I'm learning to even embrace that phase too. Why not? The better things are under the surface means the better things will be for the entire ride.

I'm reminded of a story I've read of a father sending his 4 sons out to see this one tree. Each son went alone and each son came back with a report of this tree. Each report was different because each son only saw the tree in a different season. The father told the kids "Just like that tree, we all go through seasons in our lives. The Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall seasons of our life are all moments we pass through. So don't judge a tree by the one season you see that tree in - there is so much more to the tree than what you see in that moment. So it is with each of us. We all have so much more to us than what is easily seen in a moment of life."

I do not remember the story verbatim but that is the gist. We can all choose to count someone out due to a moment we see them go through or take the time to know the whole of them. I've felt the nudge to share how God shows things to me and it has brought a few unexpected opinions but that is OK. God is still moving me forward to grow and be all that HE has called me to be. My responsibility is to honor that and I do not usually debate what God is showing me. I ask for wisdom and understanding so that I may grow and learn. I do not have all the right answers or perspectives - God uses incidents to show me truth. That doesn't mean there are not many sides to that truth but if He hones in on one area for me to see - I've come to realize that I need to see that. Not that I discount the whole picture but I look deeply into that 1 spot that maybe I've not fully seen well before. That is how He stirs me. Not so that I am only left with one view of the issue shared, but that my whole view is more in line with what it should be and not out of balance. So the 1 thing is not the whole thing. It is one spot on the Dalmatian - it is a single area of clarity that assists in the whole being better.

Learning to Trust His Heart

I will be attending a retreat soon with trusting God as the study. I've known this since June. Funny how knowing that and connecting the dots is a completely different thing. I have been feeling much anxiety this week and have felt out of sorts like I haven't felt in a LONG time.

One thing I've learned over the last 2 years is when I see little problems surface in my life - instead of falling into the 'usual trap' I've begun asking "OK God, what's THIS about?". I see the fruit and benefit of that response WAY more than the usual cycle of reacting to my issue again in the same erred way again and finding the same result again - misery.

Now, I just start asking 'What do YOU want me to see in this God? What are YOU trying to show me in this all too familiar pattern?' The crazy thing is.... He does show me! So trust is what was announced for our retreat topic and wouldn't you know it that He began pointing out 'See - you don't trust me to guard your heart here.... or you don't trust me to guard you there. You put up a wall that you didn't realize here... or you are reacting defensively there.'

In the past this self-examination would have left me feeling defeated and hurt and lonely and probably depressed. But NOW - I still go through the sadness or hurt or loneliness BUT since I know He is showing me my triggers and where He wants to heal me - now I can press through the pain versus running the other way in tears. That's what I see happening now - this is normally a private walk and for whatever reason I chose (or He nudged - starting to doubt why I went public now) to share this journey this time. It seemed like a fruitful thing at the time but now I'm doubting myself.

I saw myself as not trusting person x or y because of cause a or b. And believe me - those were smart choices I made because of the facts! It was the OBVIOUS solution. Now - I see how my lack of trust in person x or y is really my not trusting God to properly guard my heart from those people. It has nothing to do with them - not one bit at all! These sort of patterns cannot be broken over night - unless God does a miraculous work. I trust that this trust issue will be resolved because He has made an appointment with me and given me a direction that He seeks me to find freedom in. Sounds simple enough - until those trust issues bounce up and hit you in the face and/or hit you in the heart.... again. I seek to trust... I want to trust... I need to learn how to trust again.

Hebrews 13:5
".....I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. I will not, I will not, I will not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake nor let you down (relax My hold on you)! Assuredly not!" (from the Amplified Bible)

I'm holding on to this promise!

Pity Post Follow-Up

Another 'aha' moment. The pity post below has been hard for me to express effectively and I'm getting a bit more clarity as this is all being 'talked' out. This follow up is NOT meant for anyone but me. I hope if someone out there gets clarity on this as well - then they will be at peace too but this was just another piece of the puzzle I feel I can 'see' more clearly now.

So, I'm thinking some may have an aversion to the phrases 'pity party' or 'whining'. I guess I can say that I have dared to go there with people in my life - meaning join them and listen and say all the 'ahuhs' at the proper time to only find that down the road I still thought issues x, y and z were issues for them. Since those issues were REGULAR, if not daily, complaints.

As a friend who had faithfully played the role of passive listener regularly for this friend, I offered the regular encouraging words that in the past made this friend feel she could go on. Not that I said anything brilliant or worthy of quoting but these 'acknowledgements' of her pain once made her feel I understood her. Without warning the standard acknowledgements brought a SEVERE reaction of anger. Without warning this person has become an enemy of sorts, but not by my choosing. This person has shut me out of her life (and continues to do so) and doesn't seem to notice that through all of this I may have been hurt too.

The only thing I'm left with is a void and wondering of why all of a sudden the words that were soothing no longer helped. I've seen how an encouraging word - no matter how well intended can literally cut someone as deeply as a hateful word. If the one who speaks of her pain all the time is allowed to wallow in that phase too long it does harm the relationship. It does so on many levels. That person may very well become depressed and/or have a meltdown of sorts. That person may resent you for knowing so much of their 'dark' thoughts. That person may suddenly heal over the issues they've now drug you through over the years and it may be hard for you, the innocent bystander, to see things as rosey as they now do. Or that person may just change without warning and now the thing that brought peace now cuts them to their core.

So I see now why that relationship is severed AND I see why it may very well be a healthy solution now; and yet I don't know where it all went downhill - officially. I know that God brings good to all things and I see how He is trying to show me truth in all of this. I see how this topic alone has brought me to a place of feeling defensive and alone - due to feeling misunderstood, but now I see that may have been necessary for me to further dive into what God wanted me to see.

It is never good to be cut off from someone and it never feels good to think I've had a role in that but knowing God brings good to all things allows me to let this deep pain not feel so achy. To feel this rejection is hard to deal with, to feel that my good effort brought destruction makes me sad. To know I did the best I knew to do and God can make good of my mess is all I have now. But - ultimately I'm not the one who 'caused' this... I only allowed it.

I've learned to sort of shut down when I'm around perpetual complainers and I think I see why now. I've been burned by one and I don't know how to effectively listen while making them feel heard - without offering up a potential sacrifice of another relationship. I know there is a difference between healthy venting and whining/complaining non-stop... but without warning healthy venting turned INTO whining/complaining non-stop. That's not healthy and now that's what I avoid but how do you balance the 2? How do you be a friend who listens without enabling someone to their own destruction and/or the destruction of a friend?

I think in my naive effort to 'be there' for her I never realized that for this friend - she was in over her head and possibly needed professional help. Not that she was nuts but she (as I had been too) had just come out of a TRAUMATIC TIME - one that stops your life and makes you regroup. You have no choice but to face the new reality and it WASN'T what you expected it to EVER be either!

I'm realizing my heart had hidden the constant pain of this situation from me and obviously God is wanting to heal me in this area. I want to be healthy enough to know when to say STOP, but right now I don't know when that would be - so instead I panic and try to avoid the current friend I want to support or worse - I encourage them when they want anything but encouragement. So thank you all - to those who understood me and especially to those who did not. By this question percolating in my heart a bit more - a root issue was revealed. Lack of trust. God help me to trust again!

To Pity or To Encourage? - What a Question!

Lately I've been a voyeur of sorts. I've been on the outskirts of tragedy and ordinary discomforts, and of unnecessary freak outs for that matter. It has been an interesting time of gleaning. This wasn't a journey I sought out for myself, it sort of landed in my lap.

There have been people in my life who've had loved ones pass away and they've demonstrated such STRONG faith in God in the midst of their severest pain. They've shared their pain of the moment along with the confidence in God's ability to do and BE good in the midst of such loss. My time peeking into this experience has really caused me to reflect on myself and those I now see going through life's ups and downs.

This sight of such confidence and faith has made me weep uncontrollably at times and then left me feeling a desire to BE stronger. To not get so caught up in the little whining we all are prone to from time to time. It has made me unusually sensitive to the way we all tend to share a very MINOR inconvenience and present it in such a way that it appears our world is crashing down around us. It has become obvious to me, after watching all of these displays, that we all sometimes fall into the trap of wanting everyone around us to pity us for something that we should clearly deal with! It isn't THAT bad!

I've also witnessed another family go through the same road of grief and go into the 'why' phase of grief. (I'm sure the strong family will go through this phase too but I'm just sharing what God has shown me in all of this.) Hearing their heart cries of why and the feeling of desperately aching for that loved one is so easy to understand. To see their hearts literally ACHE makes my heart ACHE and I desire to hold them tightly and take their ache away.

I'm learning that some of our ordinary whining is another form of grief, some is warranted and some is not. Grieving the death of a friend or family member is a worthy journey in grief but grieving the loss of sleep or a phase of life with our kids/marriage (as a random example) causes a grief of sorts too. But it does often cause those who've been there before us to offer a common story to encourage you that it will get better. I've become very aware of watching those who share those minor hiccups of life continuously, they welcome (eagerly welcome) all of those who say 'You have such a hard life. Poor you.'. Sadly, the moment someone offers the teeniest bit of advice to encourage their friend they are silenced by the whining friend. The whining friend then tends to discontinue any further discussions on that topic. They don't say it but they are not allowing the person with the practical reality check to enter in the conversation. Well, they aren't WELCOMING them to talk because they are opposed to the reality check.

This whole observation has brought me MUCH understanding. I'm one who likes to encourage my friends when I see them crying out from a life experience. Sure, I know their world is not REALLY crumbling but I want to offer something to show them I care. There have been MANY times I've done such and I've pulled back my outstretched hand of friendship to find my hand was slapped. I've left these scenarios feeling "What did I do wrong? Did I offend them?". As a result, that relationship feels distant and I feel I must stifle myself around that person because I didn't know how I messed things up.

After watching these situations God has really shown me that there are seasons that people do NOT want any help or advice. They WANT pity they don't want an encouraging word or a cheery smile. They want to roll around in the 'poor me' world as long as they can get away with it. I'm ALL about a pity party! I can truly throw down in a pity party when they arise. I just think we are all better served if we advise our friends that encouragement needs to be left at the door for now due to an unplanned pity party. That way we aren't hurting one another without knowing.

The family who was not in the place to be encouraged through the death in their family - I respected their stance SO MUCH more because they said "I know so and so is in a better place but I just want them here now. I know that isn't fair or right but that's how I feel." Knowing they knew this made it so much easier to let them go 'there' with their cries because you knew where they stood. They were in that unreasonable phase and THEY knew that! (I of course would NEVER consider this experience of grief to be whining, by ANY means. So please do not mistake my use of whining and this example as being one in the same. This example was just one God used to magnify the examples in daily life. This family was authentic with where they were in the process, unlike many in ordinary places of pain.)

I've learned that there is a time and a place for an encouraging word now and I see that those friends who've basically slapped me for daring to encourage them felt insulted by my encouraging word. I'm learning through all of this to guard even an encouraging word, or let's say I will still give it but the instance I am slapped I will stop trying to comfort them for that moment, and realize that their unnecessary slap was really them just saying 'no thank you' to a friend lending an ear/encouraging word. It isn't personal - it is only where they are right now. That allows me to not get my feelings hurt and fall into the pit of wondering about the entire friendship. Now I can offer grace by being quiet knowing they are content, for now, in their misery (they have the Eeyore syndrome).

Think-cation

I'm thinking of taking a think-cation.
I'm thinking I just may think too much.
I need to be/do more and think less.
"Should I call so and so?"
"Did so and so REALLY mean such and such?"
"Should I have said that in a different way?"
"Did that offend someone?"
Unnecessary apologies abound.
"I hope I didn't sound stupid."

The list could go on and on and on and on. I try to be SO politically correct sometimes that I feel I'm not free to be me. "Does so and so believe in God? Will they be offended if I say 'I'll be praying for you?'" I also wonder if I interpret my internal dialogue versus really seeing what is going on around me. Like I think back to being younger and feel I was so meek and when I think about how I was with my friends... that is the LAST thing I was. I over thought myself so much that I felt meek (which translates into I was scared to say what I wanted to say b/c too worried I would be misunderstood) but I really wasn't ALL THAT MEEK. I was quiet and wanted to hear what others thought first, so I wouldn't offend them, but I was opinionated too and I wasn't a total wall flower.

I think I thought I was what I thought I was..... now THAT'S saying something... don't cha think?

So... all that to say - I am thinking of taking a think-cation. No more thinking. I will plan and be wise but I ain't thinkin' no more! I care about my friends and I care about my family.... if I say something that you don't agree with and/or misinterpret.... I'm expecting you to let me know. (But please be gentle with me when you tell me because I'm coming off one LONG binge of thinking and don't want to fall back into my addiction.) I'm done thinking that you think badly of what I say or do - unless you directly tell me so! So if you catch me thinkin' when you are near.... remind me of my 'think-cation'. This will be a tough thing to DO for a think-aholic. I will need your gentle reminders way more than I care to think about. So.... here we go.... think-cation starting.... NOW!

The Yearning for Peace

We've been having behavior issues around our house lately. I've tried to be considerate of the many changes we've recently gone through (moved, kids now sharing a room, baseball practice/games added to schedule for JB - which has been hard for HC to endure, 10 days away on a road trip, still unpacking boxes in our house). In my efforts to give my kids time to adjust, I've allowed some behaviors to slide. Now here I am, over a month later, with no end to the bickering in sight wondering when/if this new war would end. Some of the more annoying issues we were dealing with daily - really every minute - were direct disobedience and constant fights over the most ridiculous issues.

We were due to begin school in early July so I was hoping this would help them settle down, because a schedule does tend to squeeze out some unnecessary fighting around our house. School began the first full week of July and we are seeing no change in the fighting/disobeying. We were having a play date with friends yesterday (I thought maybe my kids were in need of friends around) and that is when I realized that I could no longer give grace to my sweet kiddo's. It was time to correct this matter with no more hesitation. They were very mean to their friend - even seeming to gang up against this one friend. I was devastated! I was overwhelmed with this act of pure mean-ness (although I did actually think - well they ARE getting along with each other now. but this was VERY fleeting.). They've ALWAYS been glad to be with friends and they've ALWAYS reacted well to time with friends - this disturbed my heart to no end!

Once I put the kids down for their naps I could finally let all of the mornings activities sink in! I felt like I had just run a marathon - my energy was zapped, my head was POUNDING and my neck was a ball of tension. What on earth would I do to change my kids hearts now? I feared I let them have time to adjust for too long and had created monsters. Sure, all kids have bad days but this had grown into an unending war by now. I felt defeated. So I did what any other desperate mom would do - I shared my woes via facebook.

Many friends offered ideas to assist me and I was so encouraged. It surprised me that I had forgotten certain basic tools we once used without thinking. Now, in my distress these ideas were long gone. I started to pray and think 'God, what now? So many great ideas but what will work with my kids now?' I started thinking about what I should/could do. Should I not sign HC up for ballet this year? Should I cut out all friend play time? Should I take every toy they own and sell it on ebay? Should I put them in a chair and make them hold hands until love oozed out of their pores for one another? WHAT SHOULD I DO!?!???

Then it hit me, since moving we've put the kids in a room together and left one room as their play room/TV room. I could start with disconnecting that TV. So, when the woke from their naps I told them that their behavior caused me to take their TV. That they would not have ANY TV time until they began to obey right away AND learn to play well together again. No more fighting. In fact, if they continue to fight then I will take HC's baby dolls away and JB's cars away. This will serve to show them that they are hurting one another when they fight and that bad choices do have consequences. This brought tears for about 10 minutes and then suddenly they were playing together. The rest of the evening was full of giggles and playing. I was shocked.

This morning HC and JB began to argue with one another and so I told them to go bring me a doll and a car. JB was QUICK to obey (although he did so with tears) so he only had to bring me 1 car. HC brought me every junk doll that had no value to her so after 3 dolls of this I told her she now owed me 3 dolls for not obeying right away and because she didn't bring a special doll as I asked. After this incident, I decided today would be a PJ day and the kids climbed in bed with me and we just loved on one another. We had fun playing and laughing and tickling and hiccuping and now the kids were going to go play together in the play room.

As I reminded them of the rules, I heard these words flow out of my mouth "If you love Mommy, then show kindness to one another." {Gulp} Wow! I know - this is THE commandment that God has given to us. Matthew 22:37, 39, 40 Basically - love the Lord God with all your heart, soul, mind and love your neighbor as yourself. So if we love God properly we will love ourselves and others properly. I know this but it is hard to do, and I know it is/will be hard for my kids to accomplish this too. But I've never before understood the heart cry behind this scripture until going through this battle with my kids. My heart truly YEARNS for them to love one another. I KNOW they love me but it pleases me most when they show love to one another. I am humbled by this ache and I desire for the toxic areas of my heart to be fully purged so that I can properly love as God YEARNS for me to love. God have mercy on my very soul!

Being Different

Last night I found myself caught up watching Science TV. This is NOT a regular occurrence around my house. We just flipped through and didn't find anything we were interested in watching. The show that originally caught our attention was one about "The Real Rain Man". Maybe on a normal day this alone would not have drawn me in but after visiting with friends and bringing up quotes from the movie "Rain Man" we were interested in watching for a little bit.

Before we knew it we were watching the entire show. It ended with a great quote (from Rain Man himself - sorry didn't recall real his name) "You don't have to be handicapped to be different. We're all different."

This stuck with me. During our conversation at dinner, my friend and I discussed the woes of high school. I shared how looking back I was so meek and doubted myself more than I care to really remember. I thought every embarrassing incident was on the big screen of life for all to see. I cared about who my friends were and did not want to be different.

All this combined - the remembrance of my insecure self and this movie - really made this quote shout volumes to me. As a mom I LOVE that my kids are different from one another. If both of my kids had HC's personality I would be a little loopy by lunch rather than late afternoon. If both of my kids had JB's personality then my day would not have near the adventures that HC can provide on a moments notice. The energy and the passions of both are so different and yet they are similar enough in some basics that they are usually really great buds.

Why is it that we get sucked into this thought of being the same as everyone else? We start conforming as school kids and maybe continue conforming all through adulthood. What is wrong with being unique and different. I LOVE my friends who tend to be found listening more than talking because they allow me to share what is burning within my heart and I feel like a million bucks because they are there - fully engaged in listening. And yet I LOVE my friends who are of that "who cares" mentality - not in a rebellious way but in a live life and enjoy it mindset. They love living an exciting life and they push me forward to try things I may never try if left to my own internal dialogue. There are many more personalities of friends that I find MUCH good in; yet I see the tendency for us to all try to decrease our differences so that we are all more alike than we are different. (I do understand the core want of being around like-minded people but I'm talking about how we hide our unique qualities in an effort to be 'normal'.)

WHY?!? Life is not the same nor as fun if we are all quiet as a mouse and life is too chaotic if we are all loud and boisterous and living to our own pleasure alone rather than to the rule of law. Being the same should not be our goal in life. Even the real Rain Man tried to conform. He learned that if he used 1 of 4 standard compliments to others then they were more receptive to him than if he remained in his raw state. Clearly we all need a good middle ground to start from but seeing the authentic rain man was really interesting. He brought an air of acceptance and freedom with him because he accepted his role in the room. No one treated him like some crazed monster but appreciated him as he was and learned from what he brought to the table. The information they gleaned from him was amazing. Why do we try to knock one another when we are different rather than care enough to learn from one another. I'm as guilty, as it seems we all are, in trying to conform. I think that I've grown MUCH in this area but I still fight the urge to blend. This show really made me want to just be myself more readily, without reservations - wondering if others would accept or reject me as I am. In fact, I was recently in a scenario that led me to see how much I have grown in this area this week - although there is much more growing I can do. Today I'm thanking God that I am no longer the self-doubting shell I once was. I think that all humans have their moments of self-doubt; but a lifestyle of self-doubt is not a fulfilling life.

I think God in heaven enjoys our differences and likes what He sees. He didn't want robots - He wanted people who are different and make life more fulfilling. It made me wonder how God reacted to someone like Albert Einstein (which happened to be the show to follow the Rain Man story).

They said Einstein approached all his discoveries with the thought of "if I were God how would I do x". He desired to know God's mind - not be God. I could imagine, as I watched, 'I wonder if God would just sit and watch Einstein (as he was pondering, figuring, writing and questioning) with the most HUGE-EST smile ever; LOVING this burn within Einstein to know Him more'. Einstein even focused on this solitary goal so much that he missed many discoveries, like quantum physics, that changed the way we live today. But Einstein was content to seek after the mind of God instead of what the 'normal' scientists were seeking after.

I couldn't help but wish I cared less what my peers thought of my way of approaching this walk of life. Wishing that because I was doing/being what I KNEW I was supposed to be doing/being that that would be enough for me. What audacity - to be confident in your seeming foolishness!? What courage!? What a truly AMAZING ride of your life! I WANT to live an AMAZING life and not worry about the crowd; but my humanity calls me to that very boring ride even against my own internal will. Thankfully the urge to resist is much stronger these days - may the ability to resist blending in, to my detriment, grow ever stronger! Now that's truly living! It reminds me of that scripture, in 2 Samuel 6:22, where David says "I will become even more undignified than this!". May I live a life that is constantly moving towards 'becoming even more undignified than THIS!' That is an excitingly, unpredictable and fulfilling living without reservation or apologizing for what one has been called to do!

Let FREEDOM Ring!

"Let freedom ring
Let the white dove sing
Let the whole world know that today is the day of a reckoning
Let the weak be strong
Let the right be wrong
Roll the stone away
Let the GUILTY pay
It's Independence Day"

Hear Ye Hear Ye - all citizens of this once great country! May we rise up and return to our freedom once again! May the many races of America rise up as one people - all agendas (including racism) and limits be removed once and for all! May the political parties cease and unity reign. May ALL CAREER politicians be removed and may true pioneers - those with real vision for the betterment of us ALL rise up and be seen as true warriors for our nation. May the 'us them' mentality be forever gone and may the majority rise up for the rights our founding Fathers fought so dearly to preserve for us. May the ultra liberal and ultra conservatives lose their voices so that the majority may speak and be clearly heard!

May the rich have compassion and be stirred to reach out and lend a hand to the poor but may the government NEVER enforce this! May the sole enforcer of this tender compassion come solely from our creator - the one who DID create us ALL equal! May the poor be cared for properly - with dignity and with the agenda of carefully teaching them to fish so their dignity may be restored rather than teaching them to expect a check. Someone with dignity will far surpass someone trained to look for the meager rationings thrown at them. It is the fight to survive, that is within us all, that stirs us on - not the fight to sit and wait for charity.

May the sick be well cared for, and once again may it be that they are cared for with dignity. Not in such a way that bankrupts them and causes them to lose all they have for the simple pleasure of breathing clearly another day! May this not be done with an iron fist that limits the best we can be but with a hand of tenderness and compassion that causes a Doctor to not watch a family suffer due to not having $ or insurance. May the doctor patient relationship be restored and may true freedom reign within this field once again. May the drug companies and insurance companies get their hands off the doctors so they can properly diagnose medical issues and not throw a pill at us when we aren't well!

May the church rise up with compassion and love. May the church be Christ - rather than another business entity looking for who's the best among their peers. May the church return to it's first love and seek God's face, rather than His hand. May the church lose it's haughty way of looking down on those whom stir the very heart of God. Those who act out in such crazy ways but are ultimately seeking love. Those who've been wounded by the hand of another - they need the one true solution to the ails of their lives and not a judgmental glance from the 'holy'.

May America be TRULY FREE again - Father God heal our land!

Hear Us From Heaven (by Jared Anderson)

Verse:
Lord, hear our cry
Come heal our land
Breath life into these dry and thirsty souls
Lord, hear our prayer
Forgive our sin
And as we call on Your name
Would You make this a place For Your glory to dwell

Chorus:
Open the blind eyes
Unlock the deaf ears
Come to Your people
As we draw near
Hear us from heaven
Touch our generation
We are Your people
Crying out in desperation

Lord hear our song
Your children worship
As we sing out Your praise
Would You make this a place for Your glory to dwell

Bridge:
Hear Us From Heaven,
Hear Us From Heaven,
Hear Us From Heaven (4x)

The Weird Factor

I was talking to a friend last night about this whole on again off again blog issue I tend to go through. I know it is a bit weird but I cannot fight the urge to go private when the urge hits me. Thank you for your patience with my weird factor. I sometimes have to regroup and think through WHY I am blogging at all. When I get into that mode I tend to want to think it all through without being an open book to all of the world. (I know the entire world is NOT reading but there are strangers lurking about - which on a 'why' day feels like the whole world.) So that is what was up, in case you were wondering and still reading my blog! :}

His Love is so Deep!

Today I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with love. Love for my sweet Lord and Savior. What an amazing thing to be flooded with LOVE. The pure love, not the tainted "if then" stuff but the "I love you because you are precious to me" stuff, that sends me spinning into the open arms of my Lord.

To know that even when I'm at my worst - He stands there with open arms hoping I'll choose to run to Him with my disappointments or hurt rather than another. When I feel the most alone He gently carries me so that I do not have the added burden of walking through those dark and lonely days alone.

This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand. I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming.

He is holy, amazing, precious! He's my provider! He's my strong tower! He's my savior! He's my ABBA! He's perfect and good! He's gentle and tender! He's strong and powerful! He's so GOOD! He's patient! His eyes shine with love for me! Forgiving! Redeeming! Restoring! He's ALWAYS on time! The Lifter of my head! Romancing! Pursuing One!

No Worries

I do believe I will remain private this time. If I choose to go public again it may be via a new blog. I will use this blog as a fun outlet for family/friends to keep up with the kids but not for public consumption again. There's no real reason for this change, except I do not want my kids to be on public display for all to see anymore, and I really use this blog to keep our family/friends informed of things going on in our lives. So that's the scoop - for what it is worth. I realize that by doing this I am excluding some people without meaning to do so. Hopefully they will email me and let me know they cannot log on anymore so that I can add them to the list who can view. Anyway, no worries. Just feel the need to keep my kids lives less public.