2008 - What a year!

*****WARNING - this post is LONG and is about a difficult time in my life. If you aren't interested in hearing about the loveliness of my God you may want to skip this novella.****

2008 was a tough year for me. Looking back - it was stuffed full, the kind of full where you stuff the closet so full you need help to close the door. It was an uncomfortable year and good all at once. It was only in the looking back that I now see a method to the seeming madness. It wasn't until the very last week of December that it became clear what all happened in 2008.

The year really began without much pomp and circumstance. I began attending a small group at church for saving money and felt empowered in an area that seemed so difficult for me. In fact, the first meeting of that group I felt so overwhelmed - that it brought me to tears. God made quick work of teaching me and I began to see much learning in a short time in this area. It was God answering the cry of my heart. Sometime towards the beginning of the year (I don't know exactly when because I really wanted to forget) I received some discouraging news about someone close to me. At first I was fine because it really wasn't about me.. but after awhile I began having issues.

It wasn't issues with that person, necessarily. It is now clear (after God gave me a little glimpse at perspective the last week of Dec) that that incident was a final straw for me. It triggered a grieving process that went on the rest of the year. Everything that happened in 2008 was touched by grief for me. I was in another small group with friends and found myself a mess over many different topics. Sobbing to the point of physically shaking.

Looking back - I saw NONE of these incidents as being connected to one another but they all were. I grieved every.single.thing.that has ever gone wrong in my life. I think my main source of grief was of any and all expectations I had in my life. Grieving things that were long resolved to my head but my heart was still an oozing gooey mess (without my knowing).

In 2008 God was so gracious to allow us to visit family and friends several times. On one trip to see friends/family I decided to make an appointment with a former mentor. During that visit in June God really did some deep work in my life. I now know that meeting was my spring board for breakthrough.

Then in July my former pastor preached via DVD in our hometown, we were in the One Prayer series. His sermon caused a grief to soar up like I didn't know I could have. He spoke on "Lord Make Us Extremely Generous" and I left the service during prayer because I was sobbing. We picked up the kids and were on our way home. I was talking with Steve about how sad I was that we were ever exposed to such a life changing church as HPC if we were no longer going to be plugged into ministry the way we were trained. Our church here was great but there is just something unique about Pastor Dino and the heartbeat of HPC. I think all churches have their own heartbeat which is why we need different churches. On our drive home I was lamenting my heartbreak when I asked Steve "What is our calling now if we can't plug in like we are trained to? What are we here for? Did our calling change?" That is when the car in front of us turned into a parking lot, revealing the license plate of the car in front of them. (I must tell you that Steve and I have always felt we are called to give. It has been the truest thing we've ever known. It is like air to us.) So the license plate read: BRN2GV.

I began crying because it was as though Abba Father answered my desperate cry for help. He saw my confusion and my aching heart. He knows we have a calling and he didn't change the calling while we were in this hard place. I knew we were so out of our element here that it hurt. That license plate confirmed to me that our calling hasn't changed. We are just in a different season right now. That was when I began to mourn the feeling of being bound. I began to notice the areas that made me feel bound. The areas that we were once flowing in on a regular basis were so stifled here. It was like a spotlight showed up with me and lit up every area that once had life in our lives but was now dead. I began a mourning beyond my understanding.

I began to plug into other ministries outside of our church - anything to feel alive and anything to find answers. I went on a retreat in September with friends from back home and God really was so precious and tender to heal my heart. I felt the pain in my heart unlike anything I've ever felt. I truly felt how tender and bruised it was from over the years. Then I felt how whole I felt after the retreat. It was supernatural. I've never felt anything like that EVER!

I returned home in September feeling renewed and strong and alive. Alive like I hadn't felt in decades! The thing that confused me was I still had moments of grief. Then in November... a cry of my heart was answered. We found a church with a heartbeat that fits us. Our former church is fabulous and we have no complaints - it just never felt like home to us. We felt like we were visiting for 3 years. I can't explain why - we just didn't belong there.

We began attending the new church and it felt like life returned to our family as a unit. Steve began plugging in and it just felt right. The ache in our hearts was gone and we began feeling whole again. Truths were being revealed to us - things that were hard for us were now becoming easy. Friends began to come forth - the kind of people you can be genuine with and they will do the same. No awkwardness - just real people you feel like yourself around.

By December Steve and I felt we hit the lottery in many areas of pain. Things that felt so wrong were beyond right - they were like little pieces of heaven. God revealed much truth on why and what He was up to during that time - the answers we had been seeking for years. Many lessons were learned and heartaches healed. Although our lives are far from perfect - there is NOTHING like KNOWING God and KNOWING He's a cry away. He's been so immediate in answering the cries of our heart - it makes me realize how many times He's been there in the past but we were too busy trying to make everything right that we didn't notice.

This post is more or less a remembrance for me. A way to mark what the Lord has done for us. It is also meant to encourage you - if you are in a hard place... He is there. One thing I've learned more than anything else this year is... the times I felt SO alone (and that was most of 2008) He was gently cradling me in His arms as I cried on His shoulder. So tender and so concerned for me - his daughter. The river of tears in 2008 were gently collected - every single tear - and they are all His now. 2008 was a lonely year - one of my loneliest times yet but I began 2009 with such strength and such fullness that looking back on the pain of 2008 truly brings me joy today. 2009 is proving to be a joyous time and a time for the impossible to be possible for us. What a change a year can make - if God is allowed full access to our deepest darkest pains. I truly learned how swift.. how extremely swiftly our Lord will swoop in an answer the cries of our heart - we must cry out to Him though. He does need our permission to get involved. He lets us lead if we refuse to seek Him. He's such a gentleman - He waits to be asked before He assumes a thing. Even when He knows best. What an awesome, lovely, precious, on-time, GOOD, GREAT, God I serve. I am humbled by any good deeds He would allow to come to me. It is so good to KNOW there IS purpose in all of our pain.

A Kiss Is Not JUST A Kiss

Lately watching TV has been a humorous event. Anytime someone kisses on TV HC says "EWWWWW... why are they kissing? They're not married!!"

This noticing people kissing began one day when HC asked Steve who she would marry. Steve told her that Daddies always help their little girls find their special husbands. Steve also told HC that she is supposed to save her kiss for when she is married. So now HC wants to know if the people kissing are married and if the answer is no she says "Why are they not keeping their hearts special?"

We told HC not everyone knows about keeping their kiss and their hearts special. They think it is OK to give all of that away. They don't think sharing kisses will hurt them.

So, this all came to mind as I just remembered an incident that occurred yesterday. We were at the park with friends and as we were ready to leave her friend, MG (a sweet little girl), wanted to give HC a kiss good-bye. HC looked at me with an awkward smile and I didn't catch on why she did that until just now. She is saving ALL her kisses!!! So funny to me. She does let Mommy and Daddy and JB kiss her but I guess she is determined not to give her heart away yet. I pray she does keep her kiss until her wedding day! Wow! Wouldn't that be awesome!

So... MG - it wasn't you that HC was saying no to, she is firmly holding onto her heart and ALL her kisses.

A Masterpiece

The definition of 'Masterpiece' is a very great work of art; a person's best work or highest achievement.

I know at times the mundane daily life of staying home with my kids seems so small. It seems like it isn't big enough. Anyone could do what I am doing. What is so significant about breaking up arguments, teaching them to read, correcting the same error over and over, wiping their bottoms, cleaning up mess after mess after mess, breakfast, lunch and dinner, shopping, park time, and on and on the list could go. Where is the significance? Where is the beauty?

I just heard someone say "Your child is your masterpiece." I know that is true. It is an easy thing to forget in the daily grind of life but... every little lesson I teach my kids matters. Every tickle matters, every hug matters. They are going to eventually be on their own and participate in society. My contribution now matters.

Of course I know my part in this experience, a helper and not the true maker. I am on staff for The Most High and I must represent Him well. I am not perfect and I do not make all the right choices but... I am responsible for doing my best and trusting Him to fill in the spots I miss. He fills in where my temper is running the show instead of me. He fills in when I miss something of value to my kids, by dismissing it as a small thing. He fills in when I am a poor example of what is lovely, true and of a good report.

I must not forget the masterpieces I have in my hands right now are not finished. I am still adding to these two works daily. My masterpieces will not be all mine forever. My masterpieces will have their own agenda and freedom to choose what they do with their time. My masterpieces will not need me to do it all one day. I need to enjoy every minute before I look back and wonder when my masterpieces grew up. I just needed to remember this today. Today I plan to enjoy every minute I have with my two favorite masterpieces.

A Day of Historical Significance

Today HC and JB watched the Inauguration of the 44th President, and the 1st African American President of the United States. We would clap as all the former Presidents walked to their seats. Then we did the same for the newest President of America. HC asked "What is this?" I told her the new President would be taking his job today. She said "Bacain?" I said "No". She said "Oh... Barack Obama". I guess she heard their names so much during election time that even my sweet 5 year old knew the two choices at hand. Of course the quality of pics is not good (this was of the TV) but... we're taking in this historical moment today. Goodbye President Bush - we thank you for your leadership and your service to the United States of America. We continue to pray for you and your family.
Thank you Laura Bush.
Here is a glimpse of President-elect Barack Obama during the prayer.
Joe Biden being sworn in as Vice President.

Chief Justice Roberts swearing in President Obama.
Barack Obama being sworn in.
What an historical moment.
It is a new day! We welcome you to office President Obama. May God be near you as you walk in this new role. We pray for your safety and for the wisdom of God to lead and guide you. May God's kingdom come, may God's will be done as you lead the United States of America on this journey.
President Barack Obama giving his Inaugural Address.

I Never Thought of This Before

I just read the following statement (referring to Adam/Eve and God in the garden): "Adam's view of God was distorted because of his own disobedience, but God was not there to judge him. God simply wanted to spend time with him. Adam's perception of God had changed through his own actions. Most of us hold that distorted view of God the way Adam did: the fear that we will face judgment and punishment for our list of mistakes." (via Newsletter from Kim Clement Ministries)

Wow! That never stood out to me before. Adam changed - yes, I know.. he sinned.. yes, I know. I did not clearly see the depth of Adam's inner change toward his relationship with God. It is so amazing to see, in this first story of relationships, how we often distort things and assume other's think a certain thing about us. We even do that with God. Oh to have the wisdom and knowledge and depth of understanding that God truly never changes. He still wants to spend time with us today. We add all the other junk to it by assuming we know what He thinks of us or others. There is so much truth in that one story. So much reality. Just wanted to share a little aha moment with you. Have you thought of Adam's inner fears before?

Another strong point in the newsletter is "Your perception of God will either make you productive or unproductive in the Kingdom of God." Referring to the parable of the talents in Matthew 25:14-30. The one who hid his talent had a perception of fear of the ruler. Therefore his fear drove him instead of his faith in the ruler's goodness. In the end - he hid the talent and was unproductive. Fear is a messy little enemy. It can ruin many a good opportunity!

Prayer 101 - Go to the Lord First

My sweet daughter amazes me! At times it breaks my heart to think of how amazing she is. I know that sounds crazy but... I know my HC has a job JB will never have. HC must let me learn with her. I will learn when I am in la-la land with my thoughts towards her abilities and I will learn when I am right on track.

Recently I began noticing our reading time was becoming work again. We were doing well and then I started having to prod HC along more and more everyday. My frustrations were growing by the minute because I knew something was awry but I didn't know what to do about it.

My first instinct was to reach out to anybody and everybody with kids her age. Whether they were in school or homeschooled. I received a lot of vague answers that really frustrated me all the more. I didn't want to compare HC to those children specifically - I just wanted someone to say - 'try this'.

That didn't happen. Oh well, I picked up my big girl self and kept seeking an answer. It was then that I realized I failed to go to the maker of HC with this new issue. How I manage to forget this every.stinkin'.time. is beyond me. Who else has the key to HC and me? I guess I am a slow learner in asking THE Maker of my precious HC first. I pray I learn this lesson, and do so sooner than later next time.

So, prayer + Mom's night out with friends and a new friend (who happened to be a K-5 teacher in the public school before choosing to homeschool) = a little perspective = me choosing to make a few changes. Then my homeschooling friend MD mentioned having a bad day and that reminded me of something I read in a book over the last year. The book was "The Three R's" by Ruth Beechick. I wanted to read over that topic again and realized I never finished reading the book. Guess what was in the book - it was a little guide to help you decide if the little readers you choose are at your child's reading level or not.

I am not amazed that I had the answer to the cry of my Mommy heart all the time. Doesn't the Bible say "He knows what you have need of before you need it"? I had my own answer in my own hands all along. God is so good! He is really SO SO GOOD!

My daughter is so amazing to me - she just goes along, doing her best to accomplish what I ask her to do. She struggles with the tough stuff (even when it is beyond her abilities and beyond any 5 year old's abilities) and manages to complete the task at hand. I am so humbled by that. I am also so thankful that we, HC and I, are making huge progress over this homeschool experience. God has allowed me to goof big and to SEE IT CLEARLY AS A GOOF and I pray I remember these lessons daily. I want to teach my daughter not drag her through learning. My heart is full and broken all at once but the fullness overshadows the brokenness - Thank the Lord alone for that! I just had to share how good my sweet Abba is to me and my HC. He is ever near and always quick to lend a hand when I take the time to ask HIM! Oh that I would do that first next time!?

Introducing..... THE ANKEE'S!!!

"I'm an Ankee!" Here is JB wearing Daddy's 'Ankee's' hat. JB knows we cheer for the Ankees every year and it is fun watching him adopt the teams we cheer for. So....... lately we too are cheering for the 'Ankee's' rather than the 'Yankee's'. He will learn to say "Yankee's" in due time but for now.. we've renamed our team for JB.

The original family Ankee!
"Go Ankee's!"
"Who's your Ankee?"

We sure hope the Ankee's have a better season this year! :)

Hello Out There!

Just a little note to say I'm still alive and kicking. I know I have not posted lately but... we have been busy bees over here. There are several things stirring around in my mind and I hope to share them soon. For now I just wanted to peek back into my blog and send out a great big "Hello" to you all. Don't give up on me just yet - my lack of posting has been purposed and I hope this slump is over now.

Let me know what you've been up to since we've last touched base. I feel so disconnected from this part of my world. Looking forward to a great 2009! Check back in for a more enjoyable update soon. :)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Our New Year's Eve was so fun. We had a date night and so did HC and JB. They went to play with friends while we had dinner out. They had SO much fun on their night out - they read the Gingerbread Man and baked Gingerbread cookies (something I do not do enough of - baking). They were so excited. They were not ready to leave once the night ended. We arrived too early according to all involved. They had changed into PJ's and were getting ready to watch Frosty and partake of their cookies when we barged in and ruined the fun. It was definitely a fun night for HC and JB!
We had a great night out - we ate Thai food for the first time. I even had almost sushi and all! Great fun! The best part of all was the company - totally a fun group (we missed you and your hubby Ashley!).
The other side of the table.
New Year's 2009 was very unique for the MorningSong family. Normally our New Year's Day is a lazy day of hanging out. This year we chose to bring order to our storage unit. There are SO many things I haven't seen, with my own eyes, in three whole years. It was time to bring order and purge a bit. After the storage purging we caught a late lunch and headed to another unique event. We played our first ever game of Monkey Ball. We had never heard of the game until New Year's Eve - we were invited to play a game and we had a great time! Here's a pic of Steve and JB learning the art of throwing monkey balls.
Steve testing his skills. JB waiting for a turn.
My boy LOVES to join in the fun - all sports all the time!
HC didn't have as much skill - and she was quite OK with that!
JB trying to help me figure this game out. I lost 2 games back to back. I need to practice and who knows - I may be a monkey ball superstar before ya know what hit ya! (And yes - if I am around with monkey balls - you may want to DUCK!)
HC had MUCH more fun playing in the leaves and digging in the dirt - and basically playing with the other kids! So fun!

So far our 2009 is proving to be a bit unusual but unexpectedly FUN! I can deal with a year like this. HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL!