Walking Through Pain

When we restrict our hearts from God, we injure ourselves. We basically say 'God, I can't trust You, or anyone, with that part of my heart. So I will guard that place in my heart. No thanks, I don't need Your help. I'll take it from here.' But how can we truly guard our heart effectively? The only thing we can do is build up a wall around that injured area. Sadly there is no ointment of truth being applied and no surgery by the Master Physician in that area, so that area remains toxic - but toxic behind the isolated, self-made wall.

What happens next is that we either let NO ONE in that piece of our hearts or.... after much testing of someone - we find someone we are willing to open up to in that area. Since that area has never been tended to and is not healed - it is a matter of time before that someone will bump us in that spot and we don't just respond with "That hurt me, don't do that." But rather it is another time someone has hurt us there so we try to build an even more sturdy wall around that wound than before. It will now be a LONG time before we trust someone with that piece of us ever again!

We then become so walled up in that area that no one is allowed in that dark recess of our heart. That wound is nurtured, but not towards healing, it is nurtured with vows of 'I'll never.' "I'll never trust anyone again. I'll never open up in that area again. I'll never.... I'll never..... I'll never!" We are not bringing healing to our hearts but reinforcing a wall of lies. The lie is that we think we are able to properly care for ourselves in that area. To some that area could be unthinkable abuse, to others it could be neglect... whatever the cause of that wound - the wound has now not been cared for behind the wall self built, but it has been given toxic ointment that has now made this original pain (no matter how large or small it was in the beginning) become infected with additional issues.

We now have reinforced our pain with more pain in that area. All along God wanted us to trust Him with that spot of pain - He made us to ache for Him. So that idea of what a 'true' such and such would be like is that part of our hearts that KNOWS we were made for someone to honor us and cherish us. That someone is HIM. He made us with an ache within that can only be filled by Him and the exciting thing about that is.... there is a piece of His heart that aches for us. There is a spot in God's heart that is all mine and if I reject Him, He cannot fill that spot without me. It's not like He can fill the Melodye spot of His heart with Samantha. It's MY spot! That's the same with our hearts. There is a God spot that cries out for the true expression of love, the true value of who we are, the true loving tender care we long for.

But when we begin looking for that spot to be filled by our family or friends or children... we become more empty because our family/friends AND children combined can never fill the God spot within us. So when we reinforce the 'I don't need a God who would let x-thing happen to me.' we are now toxic in our place of injury by another AND we have a heart ache that can NEVER be filled until we say yes to God. So there we are, walled in our wall of protection, not letting anyone in and not letting God tend to our aching heart. The heart that was made for love now has a wall in the middle of it. This wall surrounds a gaping, aching, toxic, neglected wound that longs to be healed AND a spot that God wants to mend for us.

It is only when we willingly trust Him to see our pain and we willingly trust Him to apply ointment and we willingly allow Him to bandage us up.... that is when healing begins. The tender, aching, throbbing wound still hurts to the touch. It hurts to the simple glance towards it even. But as truth is applied to that spot daily, the heart begins to mend little by little. And before you know it, you have a healed wound. When we look to God to fill our aches and we seek Him to heal our wounds - we are seeking a life of truth. We are able to receive the love He has for us and that ache is gone.

Now, when someone comes along and hurts us there again, we are whole. They don't pierce our hearts with their harshness or with their neglect. We feel the sadness from the injury but it doesn't pierce our heart. No wound is formed. This requires us keeping a constant eye on Him, constantly stopping to re-group when we feel like 'was that real? Did they mean that for me?'. He remains ever near to say "No my precious one. That was a result of their walled up heart. They neglected or abused you because of their pain, it wasn't about you. Rest in me." We can then take a deep breath and let that incident pass, if it is the type of pain that we question repeatedly... He is ever near to talk us through it as many times as it takes to get us through. We are never too much for Him, He is willing to listen to our hearts cry as long as it takes! But the joy of it all is... that on the other side of an injury that we take to Him immediately - we walk out stronger and without any sign of pain.

We walk out with our heads up and with a whole heart that remained in tact, although there were moments of sadness, the heart was never pierced. Rather than the incident piercing us, and changing us, it pierced Him and He carries us through without a side effect to follow. All that remains is the confidence built in His ability to carry us through a hard time. All that remains is a faith that has grown stronger, all that remains is a precious Father's love covering us and keeping us whole. Had we jumped away from His covering and followed our instinct to self-protect we would have taken much time to heal and be willing to show Him our pain (not to mention we would have likely hurt the other person in the process). But instead we went His way - we sought Him with every.single doubt and we were refreshed immediately with truth. It washed over us and removed any residue that may have sat upon our hearts and produced anger or hurt. A whole heart in the battle. What a miracle!

This is possible. How audacious of me to consider such a thought!?! I can tell you that earlier in my life - I've been the one to take my pain and be the protector of my own heart. What a tiring job - what a lonely job - what a sad job I did of guarding myself. I've also walked through a trying time with Him and followed His way and as a result I walked out of that pain with joy unspeakable and a peace that I still cannot understand. I am still amazed at how beautifully He guarded me and protected me. I was whole throughout the entire process. Not that I never cried or felt pain but the pain was quickly washed away, with my tears being poured out to Him. As soon as I felt the heaviness of it all, the weight was gone, He lifted my burden. I didn't marinate in it and let it seep into my heart, which produces a heavy heart.

I've walked through pain both ways and I can tell you, from experience that in the self-built walls... I lived a cursed life. A toiling and striving that was never productive. It was fruitless yet the most tiring experience ever. Walking under the shadow of His wings, while hurting, was a blessing. It produced life and it showed me how I only need Him to fill me. Any extras (good family and good friends) are a blessing but I only really need Him. He is enough and He is good to me and He cares for my heart beautifully. Much better than I could myself. What a blessing pain can be when it is kept in the very hand of God. Pain hurts no matter what but the sting and toxins cannot pierce His hands!