Knowing Who You Are

Lately, I've come to see the value of knowing our true identity, if you don't have a strong knowing of who you are then someone can convince you that you are who they say you are. This is an important thing to know in our daily walk of life. If we waiver in our identity then we are easily swayed with the events of the day. There is no stability in our lives when we are unclear as to who we are.

I have been pondering this thought for sometime now. "Who do I think I am, really?" versus "Who do people think I am?" versus "Who does God say that I am?" It is easy to see who we are with a few labels: I am Morning Song on my blog, I am Melodye in my every day life. Who is Melodye? Well, the obvious answers are "I am the oldest of 4 in my family, a Daughter and Granddaughter of faith filled parents/grandparents, wife of my husband, mother of my children, believer in The One True God, lover of Bible Studies, constant learner, teacher to my children (we home school), friend to many, etc., etc. The list could go on and on.

"Who do I think I am?" I have come to learn that my identity, as comes from my perspective, is surprisingly skewed. I am a perfectionist, when left to my own vices, and so my perspective of myself is often way off. I see a big mess, someone who just can't quite say it right, someone who could have said that/done that/known better. Ever-achieving for better.... the elusive pinnacle of perfect, and yet I know better! I am not perfect, I don't even see myself as perfect but I strive for that. I want to do whatever I do 'THE right way'. I don't want to be slothful or inefficient. I want to be a doer and to do things well.

"Who do they say think I am?" I have little idea of what my friends see when they see me. I hope they see a considerate and kind friend who cares for them. Someone they can lean on and depend on. Someone who loves them and cares for them and wants the best for them. But, no matter what, my mistakes in relationships often overshadow the good reports in my mind (no matter how few and far between they are). This could be the same answer for my family members too.

I hope my kids see a Mom who loves them dearly and a Mom who guards their hearts and teaches them the ways of the Lord. But I often feel failed in this task too because I often mess up and feel like a dog for the bad days, when my temper leads me instead of my prayer life. I hope my husband sees a loving wife who is there for him when he needs me, the wife he needs me to be, the true help that God has called me to be and not off on my own agenda neglecting my role. The truth is, I mess that up too. I look at the things that don't matter at times and neglect what does.

So who am I? Which answer is right? My 'hope to' answer or the perspective of the many 'they's' in my life? Neither! I've come to see how important it is to see and know who I am in Christ. Because 'in Melodye' I am a mess; but 'in Christ' I am victorious. In Christ I am the apple of His eye, in Christ I am a delight to Him, in Christ I am strong, in Christ I am cherished and valued, in Christ I am a conqueror, in Christ I am given supernatural favor. But the key is to stay IN CHRIST! That takes diligence and purposed seeking of Him. In my own strength I am weak, in my own strength I am tired. In Him I am strong, in Him I am renewed when I feel weak.

When I don't know who I am - I am easy to influence by the opinion of another. The only opinion that matters is HIS. If He sees me as beautiful.... I'm beautiful. If He sees me as well pleasing to Him.... then I'm well pleasing, even when another might find my acts to be less than pleasing. If He sees me as strong...... then I am strong, no matter how scared and weak I feel. If He sees me as able.... then no matter how much I feel this is beyond me, I am able. The key is hearing and seeing HIS report of who I am.

Lately there has been a question of sorts that has been a torment to me. "What church do you go to?" This has been a source of pain to me because I know what it feels like to be where I'm supposed to be and thus far, we haven't found that fit in our church hunt. It is so discouraging and I find myself being so embarrassed when someone asks me that simple question. I feel like a failure for not finding the right place yet, I feel like a church hopper and I feel like I'm committed to nothing. I feel like I'm failing my kids. It actually makes me feel a slight twinge of ickiness every time the question surfaces.

Why? Why in the world would I have such a strong feeling towards such a simple question? What is behind this? Why does that matter so much and why in the world is our place so hard to find? I think it matters so much to me because I was raised in church. I have been a faithful attender since in the womb, with a brief break during those crazy college days. To now not 'belong' anywhere is so foreign to me, it feels wrong.

I guess it would be about 10 years ago we began attending a church that brought the whole church thing up a level for me. After attending this church I had a new fire lit within and a feeling of greater purpose was born. I felt the most alive I've ever felt. I was offered a position on staff, I gladly accepted, was going about life with no regrets and BAM..... God moved us. He moved us far away from the comforts we so easily rested in. The time after the move brought the most growth in my life, personally, that I've ever known but the church factor has been another story.

It was last weekend that I began wondering if God was not allowing me to find that fit because of this unique journey I've found myself on since the move. But why would God do that? We are supposed to be connected to the Body. I am very connected to various groups of believers but there is not a single church body that we are involved in as a family. The question hit me, this week,..... 'What if this discontent is a part of God's plan for us - for this season of our walk?' What if HE orchestrated this seeming mess to me? What if He has a greater purpose in this discontent than I can comprehend right now? What if? But why? He wants us plugged in - I KNOW that is true!

Then this weekend some friends nudged me to listen to a conference that was available online and I did. The messages were fabulous and I felt refreshed after every segment! It wasn't until the last segment that I wondered if I found my answer. If you know the story of Gideon, from Judges 7:1-7, Gideon had an army ready for battle and God said 'there are too many with you' and God stripped their army down to a small 300. The 300 went to battle because God wanted to strip Gideon of his confidence. Gideon had confidence in the ability of the many to go to war but who would have confidence in 300? That is foolish. God wanted Gideon's confidence to be IN GOD alone. So sometimes God strips us of our areas of confidence so that when He sends you into your destiny - the job is way too big for you and you are forced to lean on Him. He wants all of our confidence in Him, not in our abilities, skills or training. To take away the things we think we need reinforces our eyes to look only to Him.

Is this what God is doing in me with the church thing? That would seem foolish but... I did have much identity in my church. I was proud to be an XYZ Church attender. I had great leaders empowering me and equipping me. I leaned fully on them and looked to them for guidance. God wanted that to be how I looked at Him. God wants me to look to Him alone, not a church, or a body of believers, or a friend to be my place of trust. He wants to be my all in all!

I may be WAY off with my assessment, because I know the value of gathering together, but I just can't shake the possibility that He may be up to something in this area with me. I believe it is for a specific season but... I can't get past the feeling that this is OK for now... that is until someone asks "where do you go to church?" I want to answer the question with "I live in church! Church is my life - I'm ever at church and gleaning from Him. I don't GO to church... I'm living the church." But that sounds haughty and may offend. But that is how I feel inside. I know the value of a church family - I desperately miss it! But I know He may have a better plan that feels like loss to me and is really a gain. My job is to get through the steps He has for me to conquer now so I can get to the other side. (And I can tell you that I'm gonna wonder if someone will take the "I live church" quotes wrong and I pray no one will - but the side of me that aches to think that I may possibly offend ANYONE... friend or stranger - will toss and turn over this for a few days but... it is a part of this journey I'm on. I need to stand in my confidence IN Him and let Him work on the things that are misunderstood. Not trying to be haughty - just trying to figure this thing out.)

I need to not worry about who others may think I am during this uncomfortable season, I need to stop bashing myself for not finding that fit, I need to rest in Him and trust that He once led me to where we fit perfectly before and He will do it again... when the time is right. It is so hard to feel like something so important to me is the very area that remains in limbo. I know His ways are higher than mine. I know His plans are always way better than mine. Resting in the discomfort is hard. I find it easy to endure for a short time and then I feel a wave of panic wash over me - but then I regroup and find my place of rest, in Him, again. It is a roller coaster ride, and although I love roller coasters, I feel like this real life version is not stopping when I want it to stop. It's like the guy at the control switch just keeps it going and going and going and I'm yelling 'LET me OFF THIS THING!' But I would rather stay on until He knows I'm ready to stand tall in where He is leading me. So I regroup and rest.... again. He has the end in sight, He has the map, I must trust in Him. Reject all feelings and all doubt and trust Him because He is always good.